Alphie... on the Sydney Harbour. Photo: Don Arnold
Like a younger brother trying to imitate his older, much cooler sibling, on Friday Sydney will launch Alphie, an inflatable turtle and pale imitation of Canberra's mighty Skywhale.
Clocking in at a puny 15 metres (the beloved Skywhale is more than double its size), the "Alpha Turtle" or Alphie is coloured in black and white and designed to inspire Sydney-siders to think about reef health.
Is Skywhale greater than Alphie? Photo: Alex Ellinghausen
The only thing it makes me think about is the Zonkey that was born in Crimea this week - because it too was a godless creation not fit to feel the warmth of the sun.
In comparison, artist Patricia Piccinini's wondrous Skywhale (blessed be) was designed to make us think about the very origins of life.
"My question is what if evolution went a different way and instead of going back into the sea, from which they came originally, they went into the air and we evolved a nature that could fly instead of swim," she said.
Reef health? Try alternate timelines and the Origin of Species, you turtle-shaped fraud.
In an article on Thursday, the creator of 'Alphie' (also known as Sky Fail) said everyone was going to relate to the artwork, with the writer comparing it to Canberra's miraculous sky beast.
Let's get one thing straight guys; Alphie is the moon to the Skywhale's radiant, buxom sun - just a pale imitation that only reflects its beatific glory.
There's only enough room in this country for one beloved 'oversized inflatable creature' and that spot is taken.
No vacancy, mate.
Put simply, if this were a Warner Brothers cartoon, the Skywhale would be Spike the Dog, chased around by tiny, white Alphie incessantly asking, "Hey Skywhale, you wana play? You wanna? Huh? Skywhale? Yeah? We're best of friends aren't we Skywhale?"
So when this 'Beta' Turtle floats free and enjoys its moment in the sun, just remember the true queen of outrageous publicly-funded art sleeps soundly in the bosom of the Australian Capital Territory.
As she takes to the sky once more, the wind will blow through her ten, enormous mammaries and whisper her name - Skywhale... Skywhale...