The murder of Tara Costigan in February 2015 was the first in a string of four family violence related murders that same year in the ACT.

Since that time, a raft of changes to laws, services and funding have been implemented to address the scourge of violence in the community.

The most significant and profound shift has been in the conversations around the issue.

But looking forward, experts in the field are coming to realise that children have been lost in the system that is focused on supporting the primary victim and not the family unit as a whole.

ACT co-ordinator-general for family safety Jo Wood was appointed to the newly formed position in late 2016. As part of the design of a Family Safety Hub, she spoke to victims of domestic violence to find out what was missing in support services for these women.

The key insight was that the government wasn't listening to what people were telling them they needed or wanted, Ms Wood said.

"We don't have the right responses for everyone," she said.

"A really clear message is that a standard offering of a domestic violence response, where the victim goes one way and the perpetrator goes the other way and maybe a domestic violence order is put in place and family separation is the outcome, that's not what a lot of people want.

"They want the violence to end, not the relationship. Until we have things to offer people who want that, they're not going to come forward for help."

Part of the solution, Ms Wood said, is the training of all of the government's frontline staff in identifying and addressing domestic and family violence.

"We would like there to be a silver bullet, but we know that's not the case."

Ms Wood said one of the outcomes of the consultation for the Family Safety Hub was the realisation that children were missing out on crucial support services.

"Children get lost in the response to domestic and family violence and there is not sufficient focus on the trauma they experience or the impact on them," she said.

"The exposure to violence as children has potentially intergenerational consequences. For some children exposed to violence they might go on to use violence in their relationships, but actually the much more likely scenario is that if they're exposed to violence they may go on to become a future victim of domestic violence as well."

Ms Wood said the response couldn't be a one-size-fits-all approach for children. Some would need trauma counselling, others financial assistance to access "normal activities". She said there were programs in the ACT that work with children, but there wasn't a systematic response.

"Children get a bit lost. We don't make sure every child in those families is fully considered in what their needs might be," she said.

"People often think about a child protection response, but actually for many kids that is not appropriate because they have at least one parent who is trying to do all the right things."

An extraordinary meeting, convened by the Domestic Violence Prevention Council, will be held in April to address the issue.

Domestic Violence Crisis Service executive director Mirjana Wilson said traditionally there were separate systems working to address different parts of the issue, but they weren't connected.

"There has been some attempts at joining up and working together, but it's not as cohesive or collaborative as it could be," she said.

Ms Wilson said moving forward, the issue needed to be looked at and addressed from a whole-of-community perspective.

"We're still a bit stuck on this," she said.

"Not everybody comes to the specific sector for support, they might disclose [the violence] to a GP, a social worker, a teacher. So how do we, as a community, make sure that wherever they disclose they're going to get the appropriate response."

Ms Wilson said since the "horrendous" deaths in 2015, the community has had to look at the issue in a way they hadn't had to previously.

"I think what has come from that is a raised awareness in the community around what constitutes domestic and family violence."

She said the challenge now was to provide services to victims who don't want to escape, and families who don't want to go through the legal process.

"What we've had traditionally in terms of responses to domestic and family violence came from a model about 40 years ago, around women needing to flee," Ms Wilson said.

"Some women still absolutely need that response, and we need to make sure the people providing those services are still doing that because that might be the safest thing for that family, but we've evolved and we need to provide more than that."

Ms Wilson said similarly to the legal responses created to address domestic and family violence, while it's a part of the complex puzzle, it's not enough.

"We need to look at what do we do and how do we work with people who use violence. How do we respond to women who want to stay, but want the violence to stop."

"That's what we're grappling with now. How do we do that, making sure we're keeping people safe."

Legal Aid ACT head of general practice Heidi Yates said part of their strategy was to offer victims seeking help the support that suited them.

"There's not just one response which is 'go and report to police and we'll solve it through the criminal justice system'," Ms Yates said.

"It is essential that victims can get the information so they can decide what they really need. At that time it might be a health service, help with accommodation or help in relation to parenting, or their safety.

"I've done a lot of work with people who haven't ever disclosed the violence to someone prior to a conversation with me and that may have been going on for six months or sixty years, quite literally," she said.

"People often need a lot of information about what might happen if they do make a report to police or they do disclose, before they're willing to consider it."

Ms Yates said there was an increased understanding now that domestic and family violence could take many different forms.

"It's not just about black eyes and broken arms, it's about economic and psychological abuse and patterns of coercion and control that can be paralysing."

But the challenge that comes with a spotlight on the issue is the increased need for services to support more and more people coming forward.

"The risk of services being unable to respond quickly is that people won't reach out for help again."

Women's Legal Service executive director Elena Rosenman said the public understanding of what constitutes domestic violence has evolved, but there was still a way to go.

"We still have some way to go to actually get the public to understand that idea of coercive and controlling behaviour as a signifier of violence and to move away from the idea that physical violence is the line in the sand."

Ms Rosenman said it was crucial to provide support before a crisis to help stop it escalating, as well as after a crisis to resolve matters, particularly legal matters, as soon as possible so women could move on with their lives.

She said while plenty had changed in three years, there was more that needed to be done.

"The increase in public conversation is excellent and very welcome. It comes after decades of neglect at a policy level and of services. Federally-funded services were essentially running underfunded for years, and the changes that we've made we could only make because there had been investment in our services."