Researching Wednesday's story on the largest and smallest tanks ever built, I accidentally stumbled across the perfect vehicles in which to negotiate Canberra's maze of roads and roundabouts safe from the growing hordes of desperadoes driving the latest Urban Assault Vehicles.
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One is the Maus, a WWII German tank commissioned by Adolf Hitler [who else?] that remains the largest vehicle of its kind ever made.
More than 10 metres long and weighing in at 188 tonnes, the Maus may not be fast but does have the advantage of being unstoppable.
And, in the event of an ugly road rage incident with an irate hockey mum on her way to the latest "pop up", the behemoth, which has been described as "a semi-mobile blockhouse", is billed as "impregnable".
If underpasses are an issue and you hanker after a little bit more speed then the Tiger pictured on this page is the perfect alternative.
Capable of 37km/h, it could break the ACT's proposed new school zone speed limit with kilometres an hour to spare and also fits in nicely with the fetchingly Soviet-bloc style militaristic theme that greets visitors flying into the Canberra airport.
While there is less room for billboard advertising from Thales, Lock-Mart and other major players in the military industrial complex than the Maus would offer, this loss of potential revenue has to be offset against a lower carbon footprint thanks to the lighter vehicle's superior fuel consumption.
Running with a Tiger as your tank doesn't mean you need to stint on your weapons systems however.
While fiscally challenged would be's if they could be's will settle for the standard 88mm cannon, the sky is the limit with these if you really want to pimp your ride.
My personal choice would be the Sturmorser. This came with a breech-loading 380mm (15 inch) mortar. The mortar fired a high-explosive, rocket-propelled projectile capable of ending even the fiercest dispute over whether or not you deserved that parliamentary triangle parking ticket.
Prestige is built in at no extra cost. The Maus ran a Mercedes V12 while The Tiger used an even more upmarket Maybach V12 developing 512 kilowatts. Stick that in your Landcruiser V8 diesel and smoke it!
For commercial inquiries contact your local army museum or war memorial.
Note: The print version of this article stated the Maus weighed 188 kilograms. That is actually the weight of the cup holders.
