Illustration: Jim Pavlidis
5 OBSERVATIONS about ... THE WEEK JOEL FORGOT TO DUCK
1 Buddy's a shareholder in the company whose T-shirts he's been wearing for years, but their depiction of women doesn't represent how he feels about women. Juddy makes money out of an investment in pokies but doesn't want anyone to know he's the sort of person who'd make money out of pokies. Jeez, it's so much easier when these blokes just stick to playing footy.
2 Due to “inconclusive footage”, the jury remains out on whether it's harder to be Jack Watts, or harder to be Melbourne.
3 You know you've been spoilt when you get to boo 'Milney' in the middle of the week, too.
4 Obviously this push to get marijuana off the banned list is just smoothing the way for a sponsorship deal with Krispy Kreme donuts.
5 Nobody ever complained about footy on the telly in Doug Heywood's day.
ARMCHAIR FOOTY BINGO
Are you a goal umpire who suddenly can't see past the end of your nose? Or perhaps you're a bong-head who reckons Sam Newman has trashed your brand? Take a deep inhalation with a game of Armchair Footy Bingo! Rack up more points than there were good, old days and you win!
This weekend's targets:
Subiaco's “Bark In The Park — Bring Your Dog To A WAFL Game” initiative (no kidding) attracts Little Gary's attention, prompting him to tweet that Fremantle has been bringing Ryan Crowley to the footy for years. 2 points.
Sticking with the theme of photoshopping Travis Cloke into other people's outfits, the Herald Sun runs a picture of Collingwood's in-demand forward wearing a fitted jacket with wide lapels matched to a dark skirt, generously tailored at the hips, next to a story speculating that he might be the next Prime Minister. 4 points.
The AFL dumps its groundbreaking microchip-in-the-ball project when data from the “talking footy” reveals that nobody in western Sydney cares, the rest of the world isn't going to buy it either, and you could stick Stephen Hawking's brain inside a Sherrin and it still couldn't tell you how Cyril kicks those goals. 6 points.
Carlton continues to insist it isn't being disrespectful to GWS despite making three more late changes for tomorrow's game, naming Bruce Mathieson at full-forward, Megan Gale in the ruck and Jeannie Pratt to play a roaming, Bryce Gibbs role in defence. 8 points.
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
Six steps from David Cloke to Rupert Murdoch:
1 David Cloke is a former footballer with a big moustache who's fathered lots of sons who play footy, one of them really well, the one with the same name as a band from Scotland, but not the one fronted by ...
2 Bobby Gillespie, a Glaswegian who's had his troubles and used to be a drummer with a mob who sounded like they might have been in the bible, and who's got a son named Wolf, but not the one played by ...
3 Hugh Jackman, the boy from Oz who can sing and dance and host the Oscars and who's got big muscles and a wife with a double-barrelled name that sounds like an oven, but not the sort used to make muffins by ...
4 Nigella Lawson, the luscious Pom with the posh voice who loves sweeties and is always licking sauce off her fingers but swears her pantry isn't full of double entendres, a denial that would never wash with ...
5 Eric Cartman, the fat little $@! from South Park who says $@! and %&# a lot and laughs when they kill Kenny and demands that everyone respect his authorit-ah!, which toadies have been doing for decades around ...
6 Rupert Murdoch, the media mogul who some people doubt is fit to be in charge of something that's big and powerful and black and white and makes a lot of money, a position just like the one occupied by David Cloke.
Another startling “shout” of revelations as plain as the glass on the bar:
“Footyhead has established that you can't get rubbed out by inconclusive footage, unless you hit them back and do it properly. And that the goal review system is great when you get a goal and crap when you don't. And when Eddiewood offers blokes more money than their clubs can afford it's OK, until other clubs start doing it to them. And remarkably, Milney tells a goal umpire he'd kicked a point and still they didn't believe him!”