Illustration by Jim Pavlidis
5 OBSERVATIONS FROM ... THE WEEK RATTS GOT MICKED
1 Why do players always turn up to see their coach get sacked, when if they'd turned up when it mattered he'd still have his job?
2 Wonder if Brett Ratten's thinking there's a lot of ordinary blokes saying what a good bloke he is?
3 Discounting Stephen Kernahan and Greg Swann, it doesn't feel like there's too many Carlton folk who've got a warm inner glow at the prospect of Mick coaching them.
4 Once Mick's cured the Blues, perhaps Robert Doyle could hire him to finish that stupid ferris wheel down by the docks?
5 All of this Mick-related malarkey aside, we shouldn't lose sight of the happy fact that it's now September, which means it must nearly all be over.
ARMCHAIR FOOTY BINGO
Did you crack up when you read of Paul Roos that “Carlton directors believe money could change his mind“? Get a dose of fiscal footy reality with a game of Armchair Footy Bingo. Rack up more points than Ratts is getting easy dollars next year, and you win!
This weekend's targets:
Having read No.5 of the above observations, the AFL puts out a media release declaring that it's September today, and Gold Coast and GWS are both playing, so ner, ner, ner, ner, ner, we told you they'd be a success — 4 points.
Remembering what happened the last time Carlton went after a coach who'd been a legend at another club, Mick Martyn and Digby Morrell dust off their boots and start hanging around Princes Park playing kick-to-kick in the coach's car parking space — 6 points.
The football media can offer only blank news pages, test patterns and the sound of crickets chirping on radio after a whole day passes in which Eddie McGuire fails to say anything provocative about Carlton or Mick Malthouse — 8 points.
Publicans are rocked by the annual dose of “Mad Monday Flu”, which results in mass sickies being chucked by bar staff unable to face hordes of footballers playing drinking games and attempting to ride Esky lids along the bar — 10 points.
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
Six steps from Mick Malthouse to Don Bradman:
1 Mick Malthouse is a former coach, for now, who doesn't like the media, unless they're family members or paying him, and who's about to be the first Collingwood man to coach Carlton, which as firsts go is a mountain almost as big as the one that was climbed by ...
2 Edmund Hillary, who Mick would like because he was an adventurous bloke who would probably have got the best out of Travis Cloke, but let's not be churlish, because there's so much of that in this little soap opera that it could be a remake of the War of the ...
3 Roses, the flower that people who read Fifty Shades of Grey think is real pretty, and is also the name of a Collingwood coach who everyone loved, but come on, this is about winning, not being nice, and if you want to get all soppy and lovey go and listen to ...
4 Air Supply, the Melbourne duo who played soft rock and were called something that rhymed with that, and who were big back when Mick was playing in grand finals or missing them with a bung shoulder, which he unfortunately couldn't fix by banging it against a locker like ...
5 Mel Gibson, who seemed like such a nice boy when he was Tim or Max, and then there was the racism and sexism and drinking and stuff, but to some it doesn't matter that he's really American, he's still a bloody Aussie legend mate, although not as big a legend as ...
6 Don Bradman, who people reckoned still had his first lunch money and even though he'd been the main man of an Australian sporting institution and had the runs on the board there wasn't exactly a queue of people lining up to give him a hug, just like Mick Malthouse.
A short, sharp shot from the publican who reckons the only good Blue happens in the carpark of someone else's pub:
“Just to prove that the nice cardboard people are giving Carlton too much money, next year they're going to pay for three coaches and a fitness bloke who will be at someone else's club. Plus, they'll get Travis who can't get a kick and Uncle Mick for a squillion. And even luckier, the Blues have got all that nice poker machine money to fall back on if it doesn't work.”