Illustration: Jim Pavlidis
5 THINGS... WE THOUGHT OF IN MEXICO ...
1 We must be only a twist or two away from discovering that Hirdy's real name is Diego Escobar and his grandfather was actually president of Colombia, not Essendon.
2 That might have seemed fanciful, right up until the revelation that AFL footballers were injected in the guts with a drug bought in Mexico and left behind at a South Yarra chiropractor's by a bloke with muscular dystrophy.
3 People keep mockingly using that stat about there being more accredited media covering footy than politics, but when there's journos simultaneously camped out at Hirdy's house, at Windy Hill, outside the AFL eating pizza and ice cream and hanging around down at the local chemist just in case, it doesn't leave many of us sitting in the office pondering our navel lint.
4 Brisbane will soon learn that the best way to knife a coach while no-one's looking is to give someone the title of "general counsel" and have them announce it at 7.30pm after everyone's gone home.
5 Got any drogas, por favor senor?
ARMCHAIR FOOTY BINGO
Have you been so out of your mind you've only just heard the new collective noun, “a Hird of drug-takers”? Do you reckon it's a fair indication the needle's been stuck on the record when people seem to actually care who'll be the next coach of the Lions? Do some due diligence with a game of Armchair Footy Bingo! Rack up more points than Roosy's had missed calls and you win!
This weekend's targets:
* Interest in the Boxing Day Test increases dramatically as the MCC announces that it's not just installing two enormous new video screens, they'll be showing a replay of the August 26 AFL Commission meeting on a loop so you don't actually have to watch the cricket - 3-0 down already points
* Essendon's finals hopes nosedive further when half the team can't finish the game against North Melbourne because they swallowed the worm in the bottle of tequila at three-quarter time - 666 points
* Mick has a happy 60th - 1995 points
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
Six steps from Andrew Demetriou to Ally McBeal:
1 Andrew Demetriou is the big boss who's having a big year but not so big that he hasn't squeezed in a couple of big trips but let's get back to the big issue because he's having a big barney with the Bombers and he was getting ready to hit them with a big stick but now he's got a big headache because of people like ...
2 Perry Mason, who was a lawyer in movies and books with titles like The Case Of The Scandalous Scoundrel (and a big hello to Hirdy) and The Case Of The Ruthless Reporter (good morning, Caro), and he always seemed to get a courtroom confession, which seems highly unlikely unless someone can dig up ...
3 Atticus Finch, who was an unflappable instrument of truth and justice and integrity and all that's good and right, which would make him stand out like dogs' whatsits in this particular courtroom drama, but let's not get distracted or next thing you know we'll have jumped from one of the greatest fictional heroes in history to ...
4 Tom Cruise, who's played lots of schmaltzy characters including Lieutenant Dan Kafee, and you guessed it, he was a lawyer, and one of A Few Good Men which is a few more than are left in footy these days but wild horses couldn't drag you away from seeing what happens next, which is almost one of the bands fronted by ...
5 Tex Perkins, who's been Johnny Cash and the bloke with Don and Charlie and a Thug and a Beast and bobbed along on a Cruel Sea, and footy inspired him to invent a new sport but you won't find Stephen Dank infiltrating Zoneball and if he does then you'd better get a lawyer son, better get a real good one, but not ...
6 Ally McBeal, who worked with that woman from Grovedale who changed her name and married Ellen although Ally was more interested in men, and shoes, and if you kept seeing dancing babies you'd have to be on drugs, which brings us back to why all these lawyers have steam coming from the ears of Andrew Demetriou.
From the publican who's been watching with the sound turned down:
“I never want to hear someone say 'football factory' ever again. Nor any mention of 'from the logo', 'paint' 'fat side' or to the bloody 'hot spot'. I want to bring my elite run and carry to get, go and thread these clowns through the traffic and into space. Outer space. Then maybe they could be replaced with some people who would just tell us what's happening during the game, because I don't care for what, or to whom, they're currently talking.”