Illustration: Jim Pavlidis
5 THINGS WE THOUGHT OF ... WHILE WAITING FOR THE TOW TRUCK
1. Given some of the stuff that's been suggested to "save" the game, it's probably not a great time to spout that footy's winning the war against drugs.
2. God bless Mr Demetriou for admitting they didn't sell that "given half a chance we'll bend you over and ... more tea, vicar?" ticketing thing quite as well as they might have.
3. You bought a Jeep? Nope, just borrowed the girlfriend's and ploughed it into a street's-worth of parked cars. Marginally cheaper, and much more rock'n'roll.
4. And while we're at it, there's probably a more tactful way of putting such a mishap behind you than, "I just want to move forward as quickly as possible."
5. Did somebody say drugs?
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
Six steps from Ross Lyon to George Washington:
1. Ross Lyon is the coach of Fremantle and before that he was in charge at St Kilda and he's been in a few grand finals without winning any but that's still better than playing for Fitzroy but, hang on, who are you calling a loser, pal, and whaddya mean by that question, buster, and next thing you know we'll be boxing on like ...
2. Rubin Carter, who left us this week after fighting the good fight and he was the man the authorities came to blame and how can the life of one poor man be in the palm of some fool's hand and one time he coulda been the champion of the world because his was the story of the Hurricane, although not the one named Harry in ...
3. Cool McCool, the cartoon crime fighter who took on The Owl and The Rattler and Dr Madcap and Greta Groul and Jack-In-The-Box and beat them all because danger was his business although you never see him at a Ross Lyon press conference and now we're sounding a bit obsessed but not in a way that would recall ...
4. Glenn Close, who's been in loads of stuff even if most people only remember her character who put bunny boiler in the Oxford dictionary in that film where Michael Douglas played a bit of a shit and, yes, you might say that doesn't even narrow the field down as much as before and after photos of our Treasurer ...
5. Joe Hockey, and aren't we all looking forward to that first budget almost as much as we're doing handstands about the prospect of having to work until we're 70 just to have enough money to get us through our 60s but don't worry because Joe's so all over this money stuff he could have his head plastered on it like ...
6. George Washington, who was the first president of the US of A way back before they had interns in the White House or cowboys or halfwits for that matter but George was the real deal because he fessed up to his Dad that it was he who'd chopped down the cherry tree, unlike Ross Lyon, who would have blamed the umpires.
ARMCHAIR FOOTY BINGO
Can you think of several Kardashians who do a better job of keeping a low profile than Buddy? Did you hear they're finally going to put cameras in posts on the goal line and think, "Wow! They'll be paying a free kick for out of bounds on the full next!" Put a hard tag on your cynicism with a game of Armchair Footy Bingo. Rack up more points than you can count rolling mauls and you win!
This weekend's targets:
- After the "execute Brent Macaffer" campaign gave way to the "football's rooted" saga, the game plumbs new depths when no talkback caller, media outlet, commentator, blogger, or even Finey on SEN can come up with a suitable crisis to dominate round seven - whatever will be do now points.
- A sharp visitor from Mars notes the contradiction in people trumpeting Australian rules football as the best sport in the universe, and simultaneously decrying it as an ugly mess that you wouldn't cross the road to watch - bad for the brand points.
- The "football world" time travels to 2043, where no one is still prepared to admit that Carlton ignored Mick's game plan and decided to kick it up the guts, Tasmania is still being treated like crap on your shoe, Gill McLachlan is still tipped to be the next AFL chief executive, and some complete and utter idiot still thinks there's life in the international rules series, whatever that is - take your head out of your bottom points.
From the bloke who thinks it's worthwhile remembering you can't do much with a footy you're not holding:
"So the rules have gotten bumpy and cries for the whistle have taken a hysterical turn, but if you're first to the footy, get it and use it properly you'll probably still win. Despite what everyone else is doing or, for that matter, saying."