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The AFL's dirty jobs

Date

Will Brodie

Scariest job in footy right now? A finalist is the shoulder tap man for Ross Lyon. You try telling him when to shut up.

Scariest job in footy right now? A finalist is the shoulder tap man for Ross Lyon. You try telling him when to shut up. Photo: Sebastian Costanzo

Despite being a multi-million dollar industry, the AFL still depends on lowly-paid or volunteer labour, stalwarts filling vital but unglamorous roles. But there are a few footy jobs not worth having for love or money.  

Shoulder Tap Man

The coach is in full flight at quarter time, urgently delivering his speech to the players, but the sirens have sounded twice, and umpires are blowing whistles. It is time, once more, for the recklessly brave shoulder-tap-man to hazard another alert. Not daring to verbally interrupt the bosses’ words of wisdom, he forcefully prods the top of the coaching shoulder with the end of the fingers. This specific, unmistakeable gesture says 'this time you really do have to shut up and let the players go back to the game'. If this pre-arranged code fails, the STM has to save the club from a fine by resorting to the emasculating power of speech. The best STM’s have season word counts in single figures.

The interchange steward

Bench man. Now there's a job.

Bench man. Now there's a job. Photo: Joe Armao

Where do clubs find persons masochistic enough to try to administer and record the random, simultaneous movements of 22 distracted, exhausted athletes desperate to get off or on the playing field as soon as possible, whilst risking the wrath of a psychotic coach if a red flag is produced by a self-righteous pedant wearing trakkie-daks? Part valet, part bouncer, part train-spotting clipboard-bearing statistics recorder, a person who enjoys such work could only be found by accident, or by scouring the ranks of cast-off transit cops and the bossiest accountants.

The third man (umpire)

Gets to hang out the red flag, if it's a big night. But the rest of the time he is the eunuch at the orgy, doing nothing, at least nothing interesting enough for anyone watching the game to care about. And he gets to look like a dag not doing it. (The trakkie-daks).

MCG car park attendants

Third umpire. Not a good look. Or a good job.

Third umpire. Not a good look. Or a good job. Photo: Joe Armao JAA

This should be a thankless job – shunting the cars of thousands of preoccupied footy fans into available, rather than preferred spaces, but this unique breed actually love their job too much. Yelling at each other from close range, waving contemptuously in the vague general direction of vehicles, and usually at odds with each other, these masters of maouevering assume every driver is a deaf, dumb and blind simpleton, and exude a greater job satisfaction to work undertaken ratio than any other employee in Victoria. Their heyday? Waverley in a cold, dark, wet season. Hundreds of acres filled with cars stuck in mud and traffic jams. For hours. The bliss! The power!

MCC security guard, May 2012

It is hard to imagine that a Melbourne man in his late-50s, who works in the MCG press box on AFL match day, would not enjoy footy. But such a man exists. On this night, the superfluous chair-filler turned his back on the arena, put his feet up on a table, and gave his full attention to (loud) re-runs of Gilligan’s Island.

Dedicated professional got all those cars parked.

Dedicated professional got all those cars parked. Photo: Paul Rovere

The speccy bag man.

The padding looks adequate, and sometimes it is a relatively high-profile and well-paid assistant being jumped upon by the club's high-flyers. But this job should be farmed out to those who need punishing, like sportswriters and forwards who miss set shots from point blank range. In the battle between the spring-heeled lairs and big men and the bag man, it is the latter who ends up with the chiropractor’s bills. Surely it is the victim of dares and loser of bets that gets landed with the schoolyard ignominy of being club stepladder.

The MCG security guard (who loves footy)

My security guard never turns his back on the action.

My security guard never turns his back on the action. Photo: Ken Irwin KEN

Our bay of standing room is governed benevolently by an attendant with an unkempt beardy Catweazle look, the only man in history made a more impressive figure by the donning of a bright yellow overcoat. He leans against the perimeter pillar, supposedly overseeing our behaviour, but apart from occasional furtive glances in search of a boss, he spends his entire game barracking, hard, and laughing at us. His only admonishments come when our barracking contradicts his fanview, which is that bad things should happen to every team except Geelong. Given how hard he laughs when teams make mistakes against the Cats, I figure he will forgive us our minor breaches of decorum in the occasional anxious moment.

The bar staff, Etihad Stadium

Nothing is more likely to make you feel like you are an overbearing consumer, a wannabe rich bastard, or old, like waiting for service from the charming, but sport-ignorant crew on the ground floor at Darklands. With no-one in the bar, except eight smiling, chatting staff members, you enter full of hope that your beer pit-stop will be mercifully brief. But the eight of them keep chatting and smiling, doing approximately nothing to help you get and pay for your alcohol. It is a miracle that so many well-intentioned, seemingly articulate and reasonable young people can’t get the idea between them that persons entering a bar might want a drink, ASAP, so they can return to watching the game. The game being that blurry moving thing out on the green expanse which seems to be making thousands of people make noise. The game being the thing which kind of, like, means they are here in the first place. Oh yeah. Remember the drill: tell them what to do, nicely, and be grateful when it eventually happens, after you've missed the goal of the year. It’s like training a puppy – the modern approach is to encourage, not berate.

Bag-checkers

"Do you have a nuclear warhead in your bag?" No. "OK, you can go through." They do sort of check for cans of soft drink, but I really wish these entry-point, anti-terrorism agents people did their job a little more thoroughly, I suppose the reality is that if bags were checked properly none of us would ever get into a game. On the other hand, if you dare smuggle a can of drink into the footy, don’t expect that contravention of sponsor’s rights to go unpunished. Because there are...

Nameless faceless video police

Bag man. How's your health insurance?

Bag man. How's your health insurance? Photo: Sebastian Costanzo SCZ

They are watching you. Everything you do and say. And yell. In my case, that means there is hundred of hours of footage of me screaming like a deranged hyena, dry-retching with nervousness, hunching foetally, and roaring frighteningly in moments of triumph, hugging strangers. The only solace is that anyone dull enough to prefer monitoring the crowd’s behaviour rather than the footy itself has not got the imagination to use said evidence for purposes of life-ruining blackmail.

AFL 2015

Round 1
Thu, 02 AprTimes shown AEDT
CAR 78vs RIC 105 Report Stats
Sat, 04 AprTimes shown AEDT
MEL 115vs GCF 89 Stats
SYD 72vs ESS 60 Stats
BRI 74vs COL 86 Stats
WBU 97vs WCE 87 Stats
Sun, 05 AprTimes shown AEST
STK 78vs GWS 87 Stats
ADE 140vs NTH 63 Stats
FRE 75vs PTA 68 Stats
Mon, 06 AprTimes shown AEST
HAW 123vs GEE 61 Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 2
Fri, 10 AprTimes shown AEST
WCE 131vs CAR 62 Stats
Sat, 11 AprTimes shown AEST
RIC 66vs WBU 85 Report Stats
GWS 101vs MEL 56 Stats
COL 63vs ADE 90 Report Stats
GCF 76vs STK 104 Stats
PTA 44vs SYD 92 Stats
Sun, 12 AprTimes shown AEST
GEE 60vs FRE 104 Stats
ESS 78vs HAW 76 Stats
NTH 133vs BRI 51 Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 3
Fri, 17 AprTimes shown AEST
COL 140vs STK 66 Stats
Sat, 18 AprTimes shown AEST
CAR 84vs ESS 105 Stats
ADE 80vs MEL 55 Stats
SYD 111vs GWS 90 Report Stats
NTH 105vs PTA 113 Stats
BRI 58vs RIC 137 Stats
Sun, 19 AprTimes shown AEST
HAW 127vs WBU 57 Stats
GEE 105vs GCF 96 Stats
WCE 81vs FRE 111 Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 4
Fri, 24 AprTimes shown AEST
RIC 51vs MEL 83 Stats
Sat, 25 AprTimes shown AEST
STK 81vs CAR 121 Report Report Stats
ESS 49vs COL 69 Report Stats
GWS 119vs GCF 53 Stats
PTA 99vs HAW 91 Stats
FRE 74vs SYD 60 Stats
Sun, 26 AprTimes shown AEST
BRI 65vs WCE 118 Stats
GEE 67vs NTH 83 Stats
WBU 125vs ADE 68 Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 5
Fri, 01 MayTimes shown AEST
CAR 45vs COL 120 Stats
Sat, 02 MayTimes shown AEST
RIC 76vs GEE 85 Stats
SYD 73vs WBU 77 Stats
GCF 118vs BRI 54 Stats
NTH 70vs HAW 130 Stats
WCE 120vs GWS 33 Stats
Sun, 03 MayTimes shown AEST
MEL 50vs FRE 118 Stats
STK 80vs ESS 82 Stats
ADE 91vs PTA 115 Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 6
Fri, 08 MayTimes shown AEST
COL 59vs GEE 100 Stats
Sat, 09 MayTimes shown AEST
NTH 109vs RIC 74 Stats
WBU 87vs STK 94 Stats
GWS 108vs HAW 98 Stats
GCF 78vs ADE 119 Stats
MEL 50vs SYD 88 Stats
FRE 80vs ESS 52 Stats
Sun, 10 MayTimes shown AEST
CAR 75vs BRI 84 Report Stats
PTA 68vs WCE 78 Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 7
Fri, 15 MayTimes shown AEST
ESS 82vs NTH 93 Stats
Sat, 16 MayTimes shown AEST
ADE 119vs STK 73 Stats
HAW 155vs MEL 50 Stats
CAR 57vs GWS 135 Stats
SYD 120vs GEE 77 Stats
WCE 135vs GCF 43 Stats
Sun, 17 MayTimes shown AEST
WBU 88vs FRE 101 Stats
RIC 105vs COL 100 Report Stats
BRI 102vs PTA 65 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 8
Fri, 22 MayTimes shown AEST
GEE 140vs CAR 63 Report Stats
Sat, 23 MayTimes shown AEST
STK 78vs WCE 131 Report Stats
GWS 108vs ADE 84 Report Stats
GCF 63vs COL 132 Report Stats
HAW 69vs SYD 73 Report Stats
FRE 115vs NTH 42 Report Stats
Sun, 24 MayTimes shown AEST
ESS 136vs BRI 78 Report Stats
MEL 103vs WBU 64 Report Stats
PTA 43vs RIC 76 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 9
Fri, 29 MayTimes shown AEST
SYD 122vs CAR 62 Report Stats
Sat, 30 MayTimes shown AEST
HAW 93vs GCF 40 Report Stats
MEL 54vs PTA 115 Report Stats
WBU 113vs GWS 68 Report Stats
RIC 72vs ESS 59 Report Stats
ADE 57vs FRE 68 Report Stats
Sun, 31 MayTimes shown AEST
BRI 86vs STK 108 Report Stats
COL 112vs NTH 95 Report Stats
WCE 120vs GEE 64 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 10
Fri, 05 JunTimes shown AEST
FRE 70vs RIC 97 Report Stats
Sat, 06 JunTimes shown AEST
CAR 90vs ADE 99 Report Stats
GCF 41vs SYD 93 Report Stats
ESS 53vs GEE 122 Report Stats
PTA 100vs WBU 62 Report Stats
Sun, 07 JunTimes shown AEST
GWS 97vs BRI 67 Report Stats
NTH 85vs WCE 75 Report Stats
STK 69vs HAW 132 Report Stats
Mon, 08 JunTimes shown AEST
MEL 85vs COL 110 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 11
Fri, 12 JunTimes shown AEST
PTA 69vs GEE 92 Report Stats
Sat, 13 JunTimes shown AEST
GCF 46vs FRE 53 Report Stats
WCE 96vs ESS 46 Report Stats
NTH 75vs SYD 91 Report Report Stats
Sun, 14 JunTimes shown AEST
COL 119vs GWS 77 Report Stats
STK 85vs MEL 83 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 12
Thu, 18 JunTimes shown AEST
ADE 85vs HAW 114 Report Stats
Fri, 19 JunTimes shown AEST
RIC 70vs WCE 90 Report Stats
Sat, 20 JunTimes shown AEST
CAR 110vs PTA 106 Report Stats
GWS 61vs NTH 117 Report Stats
WBU 146vs BRI 74 Report Stats
Sun, 21 JunTimes shown AEST
GEE 89vs MEL 113 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 13
Thu, 25 JunTimes shown AEST
FRE 80vs COL 73 Report Stats
Fri, 26 JunTimes shown AEST
SYD 77vs RIC 95 Report Stats
Sat, 27 JunTimes shown AEST
HAW 114vs ESS 76 Report Stats
BRI 69vs ADE 82 Report Stats
STK 56vs WBU 62 Report Stats
Sun, 28 JunTimes shown AEST
CAR 103vs GCF 69 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 14
Thu, 02 JulTimes shown AEST
SYD 94vs PTA 84 Report Stats
Fri, 03 JulTimes shown AEST
COL 91vs HAW 101 Report Stats
Sat, 04 JulTimes shown AEST
RIC 78vs GWS 69 Report Stats
GCF 125vs NTH 70 Report Stats
WBU 64vs CAR 53 Report Stats
MEL 60vs WCE 114 Report Stats
Sun, 05 JulTimes shown AEST
ESS 52vs STK 162 Stats
ADE vs GEE 15:20Adelaide Oval
FRE 84vs BRI 48 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 15
Thu, 09 JulTimes shown AEST
PTA 66vs COL 63 Report Stats
Fri, 10 JulTimes shown AEST
RIC 71vs CAR 41 Report Stats
Sat, 11 JulTimes shown AEST
ESS 69vs MEL 60 Report Stats
WBU 95vs GCF 73 Report Stats
NTH 120vs GEE 79 Report Stats
WCE 147vs ADE 91 Report Stats
Sun, 12 JulTimes shown AEST
GWS 84vs STK 49 Report Stats
HAW 115vs FRE 43 Report Stats
BRI 49vs SYD 70 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 16
Fri, 17 JulTimes shown AEST
NTH 93vs ESS 68 Report Stats
Sat, 18 JulTimes shown AEST
GEE 72vs WBU 64 Report Stats
GCF 79vs GWS 94 Report Stats
COL 56vs WCE 87 Report Stats
SYD 57vs HAW 146 Report Stats
FRE 95vs CAR 53 Report Stats
Sun, 19 JulTimes shown AEST
MEL 60vs BRI 36 Report Stats
PTA 113vs ADE 116 Report Stats
STK 73vs RIC 89 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 17
Fri, 24 JulTimes shown AEST
CAR 35vs HAW 173 Report Stats
Sat, 25 JulTimes shown AEST
GWS 42vs GEE 69 Stats
ADE 125vs GCF 80 Stats
RIC 78vs FRE 82 Stats
ESS 116vs PTA 129 Stats
BRI 38vs NTH 110 Report Stats
Sun, 26 JulTimes shown AEST
WBU 104vs COL 86 Report Stats
MEL 46vs STK 83 Report Stats
WCE 103vs SYD 51 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 18
Fri, 31 JulTimes shown AEST
HAW 53vs RIC 71 Report Stats
Sat, 01 AugTimes shown AEST
GEE 113vs BRI 57 Stats
COL 54vs MEL 91 Report Stats
SYD 117vs ADE 65 Report Stats
CAR 54vs NTH 118 Report Stats
GCF 83vs WCE 83 Report Stats
Sun, 02 AugTimes shown AEST
PTA 112vs STK 49 Report Stats
ESS 40vs WBU 127 Report Stats
FRE 84vs GWS 63 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 19
Fri, 07 AugTimes shown AEST
ADE 88vs RIC 52 Report Stats
Sat, 08 AugTimes shown AEST
COL 105vs CAR 87 Report Stats
WBU 128vs PTA 64 Report Stats
BRI 100vs GCF 114 Report Stats
GEE 95vs SYD 63 Report Stats
WCE 74vs HAW 88 Report Stats
Sun, 09 AugTimes shown AEST
MEL 92vs NTH 127 Report Stats
GWS 93vs ESS 61 Report Stats
STK 59vs FRE 96 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 20
Fri, 14 AugTimes shown AEST
SYD 87vs COL 76 Report Stats
Sat, 15 AugTimes shown AEST
ESS 59vs ADE 171 Report Stats
NTH 120vs STK 83 Report Stats
PTA 111vs GWS 90 Report Stats
GEE 85vs HAW 121 Report Stats
BRI 131vs CAR 67 Report Stats
Sun, 16 AugTimes shown AEST
RIC 138vs GCF 55 Report Stats
WBU 153vs MEL 55 Report Stats
FRE 80vs WCE 104 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 21
Fri, 21 AugTimes shown AEST
HAW 86vs PTA 108 Report Stats
Sat, 22 AugTimes shown AEST
COL 56vs RIC 147 Report Stats
GWS 44vs SYD 133 Report Stats
GCF 97vs ESS 95 Report Stats
STK 97vs GEE 97 Report Stats
ADE 131vs BRI 44 Report Stats
Sun, 23 AugTimes shown AEST
NTH 94vs FRE 83 Report Stats
CAR 78vs MEL 55 Report Stats
WCE 162vs WBU 85 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 22
Fri, 28 AugTimes shown AEST
GEE 62vs COL 110 Report Stats
Sat, 29 AugTimes shown AEST
GWS 132vs CAR 51 Report Stats
HAW 134vs BRI 62 Report Stats
NTH 73vs WBU 96 Report Stats
ESS 47vs RIC 74 Report Stats
GCF 51vs PTA 88 Report Stats
Sun, 30 AugTimes shown AEST
ADE 126vs WCE 69 Report Stats
STK 38vs SYD 135 Report Stats
FRE 108vs MEL 54 Report Stats
View All Fixtures
Round 23
Fri, 04 SepTimes shown AEST
RIC ($1.29)vs NTH ($3.60) 19:50ES
Sat, 05 SepTimes shown AEST
GEE ($2.50)vs ADE ($1.53) 13:05SS
BRI ($4.50)vs WBU ($1.20) 13:45G
PTA vs FRE 15:50Adelaide Oval
HAW ($1.01)vs CAR ($17.00) 16:40MCG
SYD ($1.04)vs GCF ($11.00) 19:20SCG
WCE ($1.04)vs STK ($11.00) 19:40Domain Stadium
Sun, 06 SepTimes shown AEST
MEL ($3.20)vs GWS ($1.36) 13:10ES
COL ($1.28)vs ESS ($3.70) 15:20MCG
View All Fixtures
AFL 2015
Overall standings
Team P W L D % Pts
Fremantle 21 17 4 0 125.10 68
West Coast Eagles 21 15 5 1 143.00 62
Hawthorn 21 15 6 0 156.77 60
Sydney Swans 21 15 6 0 124.11 60
Richmond 21 14 7 0 121.39 56
Western Bulldogs 21 14 7 0 116.76 56
Adelaide Crows 20 13 7 0 119.10 54
North Melbourne 21 13 8 0 109.08 52
View all
 

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