MondayHe’s a man in white and on a mission, the divine catholic greenhouse abatement society is holding a big show in Sydney, bringing abatement pilgrims from across the world to the city of dreams in a carbon neutral kind of way.
Flying into Sydney, the man in white, the chief executive officer, indicates it’s time the oldest corporation in the world actually and finally entered the business for which it was named, that the one true abatement society start reducing its carbon footprint.
“That’s why I wear the red shoes. Shoes, footprint, get it?” he says.
“From now on when you see the red shoes, you’ll think footprint. You’ll ask yourself the question: what am I doing to save the planet?”
Tuesday
< p>The man in white enters the retreat set up for him to rest at before his big day out later in the week. The retreat has its own solar panels, wind turbine and composting toilet.
Inspired by this man’s crusade, the banks put up interest rates.
“It’s all about the footprint,” says a bank spokesman. “By increasing interest rates, householders with mortgages have less to spend on carbon emitting activities, their carbon footprint, like driving, using electricity for heating, buying food - which we know are all responsible for emissions,” he says.
“We all need to do out bit and the red shoes just say it all really.”
The spokesman then charges a fee for the interview.
Wednesday
Cadel Evans’ footprint is pretty small. The champion cyclist will ride around France on no more than some lubrication for his bicycle chain, a succession of really big pasta meals and several leg massages.
In the Prime Minister’s office, red shoes and Cadel Evans come together in a flash of inspiration.
“What we need,” says an adviser, “is a stationary bicycle in every home, hook them up to the mains and pay a feed-in electricity tariff. We’ll fix climate change and obesity with one measure.”
The adviser grins at the minister, thinking this is the angle that will be a winner later that day at the National Press Club. Senator Wong has one of those moments when she wonders why she bothers.
Thursday
< p>The coal industry meeting is tossing around ideas for alternative uses for the stuff they dig out of the ground, now that burning it is going out of fashion.
“It’s black, it’s shiny and it’s very, very dirty,” says one industry heavy weight, “kids would love it. How about we get together with Lego to market a line in black building bricks, coal bricks.”
There’s silence around the table as the meeting thinks back to the good old days when coal was king and everyone wanted to be their friends.
Friday
Thinking about footprints and red shoes and such, Qantas decides to do its bit.
“There’s good news and bad news,” a spokeswoman says. “The bad news is - at this stage - we can only cut 1500 jobs, we’d like to do more but we can’t because we still do need people to fly the planes, sell the cigarettes in-flight and repair any punctured tyres on the landing gear and so on.
“The good news though is that those 1500 people, now jobless, will be doing their bit to reduce the company’s carbon footprint. Without jobs they won’t buy food and other so-called essentials – which produce greenhouse gases in their production.”