Monday"We're having a heatwave, a tropical heatwave ..." or so the song goes and we'll be singing the song a lot more according to the latest CSIRO report on drought. Get ready to take your martinis dry and your landscape drier as things get warm and crinkly.
Meanwhile the Group of Eight high-falutin' countries fail to agree on cuts to carbon emissions but have a super lunch together and look forward to an even more delicious dinner. Next on the conference agenda is world poverty.
The latest estimates for World Youth Day have the equivalent of the populations of several small South American countries arriving in Sydney later this week as pilgrims.
Tuesday
A spokesman for World Youth Day expects the portaloo queues to stretch from here to eternity. "They can make the sign of the cross as they cross their legs; patience is a virtue and pilgrims need extra inspiration - it's the spirit of World Youth Day."
The comment comes as estimates for attendance at the Sydney event now stretch to the equivalent of the entire western hemisphere.
Canberra ponders its future: one of its favourite pastimes. Does it have one? What does it look like? Will we still be living in cute detached cottages or high-rises stretching towards the sun?
As usual the citizenry is divided. Some want that Manhattan lifestyle but others tell them to stop watching Sex and the City.
Wednesday
Over a particularly verdant lamb of loin with a cream of antelope sauce and Arctic greens, the Group of Eight insouciant nations agree that, yes, they will cut carbon omissions "soon" (this century) and decide to admit Greenland as a member and "last resort".
The World Youth Day spokespilgrim admits that there won't be enough Opus Dei service booths to cater for the burgeoning numbers of faithful now scheduled to be in town for the big event. Big isn't the word, actually.
"We're expecting Asia, or the equivalent anyway. And don't think they'll be going home any time soon either," a chorus of heavenly figures intones.
Morris Iemma gets out the branch membership forms.
Thursday
The eggs were simply fried but the flecks of gold leaf gave them an indefinable air. Breakfast saw no advance on the Group of Eight mates' stance on carbon emissions. A gallic shrug here, Gordon Brown looking into space and whistling over there, the Canadian trying to remember his name after too many krugs the night before having a little sit down. "Cuts, for sure. We're crazy for cuts. You go first."
"Any fears of an emissions crisis are unfounded," the World Youth Day spokespope says while acknowledging that Sydney is in danger of sliding into the sea under the weight of pilgrims heading its way.
Friday
With the whole world now heading to Sydney for World Youth Day, the show's spokesgod reassures the world that the second coming is not nigh and that the Group of Eight will save the world after agreeing to swingeing cuts to carbon emissions after a recovery party that knew few bounds. "Put it this way, that Kevin Rudd knows how to party. The blowtorch trick's a riot," He says.