So the Queen wants workshy Kate Middleton to get a job, possibly with an "animal charity" before becoming engaged to Prince William.
Note the word "wildlife" wasn't mentioned, so she’s clearly not being steered toward a blue-blood organisation like the World Wildlife Fund, which is something of an old family firm for the British royals.
Prince Phillip is its vice-president emeritus, after a retiring from an 18-year stint as international president and Prince Charles recently fronted a gala dinner to back the organisation’s efforts to save the world’s rainforests. The panda-brand also has stalwart support among the Dutch, Norwegian and Jordanian royals, so a twenty-something socialite flirting with aspirations to be a fashion photographer isn't going to cut it as a conservation ambassador with such an uppercrust crowd on her princess-in-waiting credentials.
According to sources quoted by the Daily Mail, the Queen "has made it known that she feels Kate should get involved with a charity, possibly an animal charity, where she can be seen to be doing something proactive and something entirely safe."
Well, that rules out PETA (People For Ethical Treatment of Animals), but they've already had a red-hot go Kate for "dabbling in blood sports" after she turned up at deer hunt in Scotland, wearing camouflage gear and toying with a bolt-action hunting rifle. Besides, PETA can, and do, have their pick of funky film and music celebs - sultry actress Alicia Silverstone and her naked vegetarian video, vegan pin-up Joaquin Phoenix (he insisted on wearing fake leather for his role in "Gladiator") or hot Latino heart throb Nicholas "Sea of Dreams" Gonzalez, who posed with his dog Jack for an anti-fur ad. Gonzalez is a Stanford University lit graduate, who won a scholarship to Trinity College Dublin to complete his honours thesis on James Joyce's "Ulysses", so it's a fair bet he'd have the conversational edge over clotheshorse Kate at a gala charity dinner fundraiser.
And which chick would pull more donor cheques for the cause? Alicia's already got a head start in the eco-cred stakes with an organic veggie garden, solar powered home and a posse of shelter-rescue dogs cavorting in her Los Angeles backyard. Pity about that bolt-action rifle, Kate.
But where did Buckingham Palace get the notion animal welfare charities were a safe work option? Even if Kate signd up for something as innocuous as Ann Widdecombe’s donkey rescue charity, how long before a red-top tabloid runs a headline on her work ethic - "Kate, move your ass." Dogs? Well, there's the b-word to contend with. If she speaks out on a dumping or desexing, could the tabloids resist "Kate’s latest bitch about Britain." Cats? "Kate in cat fight" or maybe "Kate’s moggie meltdown."
But there’s always UK Hamster Rescue. They’re so cash-strapped and profile-poor their website apologies for not being able to scrape up the funds to be a registered charity. And they’re really grateful for any donated toys or food bowls. Atta-girl, Kate, this one’s got your name all over it. Ain't nothing more hardworking than a hamster on a treadwheel.