Bettina Arndt's call to arms made a lot of sense to me. Colleague Jenna Price got it right when she said sex was like going to gym, once you were there you actually enjoyed it, it was the physical act of getting there that was the problem. Not for one minute do I believe that women should be coerced or forced or feel obliged to have sex they don't want. But if you're not wanting sex with a man you love, a man who makes you laugh, who's doing a good job with your kids and working hard to bring home the bacon, then there are bigger problems in your relationship than no sex. Not having sex is different to not wanting sex. Too often it comes down to a case of waiting for all the stars to be aligned, the kids are in bed without any hassles, no work has been brought home, a joke's been told during the evening that reminded you of why you married him in the first place, and neither of you are too knackered that all you want to do at bedtime is fall asleep. It rarely happens. But you would think not having it a situation more readily fixed than not wanting it.
Over the past couple of weeks leading sex therapist Dr Laura Berman has been discussing her new book on Oprah. Real Sex for Real Women (available here through Dorling Kindersley/Penguin for $45) is a practical handbook to achieving intimacy, pleasure and sexual well-being. It's been an interesting discussion. She's been working with couples to "live their best life" when it comes to sex - this seems to be Oprah's little plan for 2009, to get us all living our best lives - by getting them to open up and finally talk about why their sex life isn't quite up to scratch. There are couples who have stopped having sex altogether, couples where the wife admitted she's been faking orgasm for 25 years, couples who are so buried in routine they've given up. Whatever is happening in your own relationship it's been a reminder that it's completely normal and there are probably hundreds of couples suffering through the same thing.
She has five simple steps for better sex:
1. Tell the truth.
2. Ask for what you want.
3. Let go of all the negative messages.
4. Go to the doctor.
5. Make sex a priority.
The key to number five was scheduling in a sex night. This could change America, Oprah said in a typically Oprah moment. Perhaps she could get her good friend Obama to write it into the constitution or something. But it made a lot of sense.
"In the beginning of the relationship it's easy for sex to happen spontaneously," Dr Berman was telling Oprah. "You can't get enough of each other. But if you wait for that to happen in a long-term relationship when you know each other's dirty laundry, you have a mortgage, you have kids, you have distractions, you have stress, if you wait for it to happen spontaneously, it never happens."
Get a hold of the book, get on to www.oprah.com (there's some fun homework that Dr Berman would like us all to do), and start saying yes.
Who knows, you might start enjoying it too.