"Do we have to go to school today?" the kids whined, all tangled in the doona, little arms and legs sticking out, still warm from sleep. Dad had snuck out early on a flight to Sydney for business and it was just the three of us, up, or awake at least, a little later than usual. Why is it that the kids always sleep in when dad's on that early flight but never sleep in on a weekend?
"Nooo, you don't have to go to school!" I said. "Let's go and hang out at McDonalds all day instead."
Their faces lit up. "Can we?"
Sarcasm, like youth, is wasted on the young.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because mum has to go to work. Mum's got a job too you know."
"We'd have more fun at home," they countered.
"That's probably true. But we can't."
"Pleeeeeeease muuuummmmy."
"No."
And with that I bribed them with the television saying if we got out act into gear and ate breakfast, cleaned teeth and made beds without delay they could watch a bit of ABC Kids before we went to school. Usually a no, no. It worked. We were at school well before the bell.
Which got me to thinking that perhaps the job I'd really be best suited to was a hostage negotiator or something.
"If you release a hostage you can watch Playschool and I'll buy you a milkshake."
I think it would work. It does for me. Television, time on the computer, a new book, doughnuts. All good bargaining tools. What parent doesn't resort to bribery? Or perhaps we should call it by a more politically correct term like "reward system". When you think about it, what spouse doesn't resort to bribery too? Although in this case, in my life at least, it's more a case of silent internal bribery. If he helps pack the dishwasher after dinner I might just make him a cup of tea later on, you're thinking while you run the kids' bath.
I know it's not great parenting, nor great wifing (is that a word?), but it works for me. And that really is what parenting is all about. Do what works for you.
Anyone who caught the ABC series Bringing Up Baby, screening Thursday nights at 8.30pm, would soon realise that. It was fabulous, scary fabulous, but fabulous. Particularly the Truby King parenting style so-called expert Claire Verity whose regimen included four-hourly feeds then sticking the baby out in the garden with the foxes until the next feed. She was hand to the mouth ohmigod scary. I can watch Dexter plunge a knife into a man's chest without flinching but this woman really scared me.
"I can't understand why anybody wants to cuddle a baby or pick a baby up," she said in the first episode. "A baby doesn't want to be touched all the time. All they want is to be left alone to grow."
There was such an outcry, the ABC was forced to investigate the subject matter and background of the program. The ABC will continue to screen the program but with "advisory notes" on each episode.
There were some good comments on Strollerderby, a parenting blog Hellonathan applies the "death and future life rules" to every parenting situation: playing with deadly snakes? Don't allow it. Having the odd lolly? Allow it. Leave baby outside unattended? Don't allow it. Play on swings at park? Allow it.
Will bribing my children with milkshakes and Playschool impact on their future? Probably not. Allow it.
And hey if they become terrorists it might even help.
Hand over the hostages and you can look through the round window.