Monica Dux, co-author of The Great Feminist Denial, wrote this week of the need for mothers to "equip themselves with a robust sense of entitlement and articulate their demands accordingly". She was writing about the so-called "mummy wars", recognising that while most of it was "media hyperbole", there did seem to be, as Dux discovered once she became a mother, real tensions and resentment among many mothers.
I'm over the mummy wars. It's a conflict somewhat like those in the Middle East that will continue for eternity without anyone really knowing why anymore. Don't get me wrong, like Dux I believe that these "tensions" do exist, afterall women need something to bitch about once they've exhausted the faults of their husband/child's teacher/sports coaches who don't recognise the innate talent of their child. Why not target other women? We've been doing it for years. Our best girlfriends were always our best targets. We've envied and resented those closest to us for the best part of our lives.
Perhaps, as Dux suggests, it's time for us to band together instead. Her talk of entitlements and demands got me to thinking that while most occupations are represented by a union, motherhood is not. Is it time for a Mothers' Union?
What entitlements should we ask for? At least four nights of uninterrupted sleep a week in return for four hot dinners cooked from scratch? A weekend away with the girls in return for all the sport we let our husbands play? A backrub for every dirty nappy we change? Where to start?
What about demands? I'd like a pay increase. Actually I'd just like to be paid. And in cold hard cash, not some wishy washy clause that says I'm being paid in cuddles and kisses. I can't buy magazines with those. I'd like the children to actually listen to me, at least once a day, and follow through on what I've asked them to do. Negotiating hours of work might be tricky, it is a 24/7 sort of job but really is what you have to tell me at 3.27am really that important that it can't wait until at least eight? Holidays? I'd settle for a couple of Friday nights with my husband where he's cooked dinner. As for sick leave, well we all know that mothers just don't get sick. And if we do, he's always feeling worse.
Sure it could all backfire if performance-based appraisals were written into the agreement. What if my dinners aren't up to scratch or I'm lagging in the bedroom somewhat? What happens if I'm not as fast as the other mums in the athletics carnival mums' race or my grasp of 5th grade maths is loose? It would be an interesting time around the bargaining table to be sure.
While we wait for some other enterprising woman to organise the MU (I'm not going to do it, I have trouble organising a lunchbox) perhaps we could all get about negotiating our own entitlements and demands, making sure we lock in the most important clause, one of fluidity. Just because you were the one doing all the vacuuming because you were at home with a new born baby doesn't mean you want to vacuum forever, especially now you're back at work and the kids need ferrying to every weekend activity under the sun. And just because you're at home full time doesn't mean it's your job to do every single chore to keep the house running smoothly.
Or maybe it does, if they're the terms you've negotiated in your family.
In the end it comes down to choice. Every woman should be entitled to make a choice that best suits her, regardless of what anyone thinks. If you don't like the fact that your neighbour has chosen to stay at home or bottlefeed or cosleep then really it's none of your business. Bitch about her shoes instead.