Amid the fallout from the Four Corners report on footballers and sex, I can't help thinking of the young women whose lives have been changed forever.
Unfortunately, for those of us at the NSW Rape Crisis Centre, the story told by "Clare" - of going to a room with two men, only to find the two became 12 league players and staff, and she had sex with six of them - is all too familiar.
It may not have been criminal sexual assault, but there is no doubt what happened in that Christchurch hotel room was utterly unethical.
Each month we respond to about 600 calls from those whose lives have been hurt by sexual violence. I have no idea how many more could not get through because the lines were too busy. The difference between people who report sexual assault to police - recorded in official crime statistics - and those who the ABS reports saying they were sexually assaulted indicates as many as 3000 people every month in NSW experience sexual violence and decide against going to the police.
It is unfortunate that Matthew Johns did not find time last week to extend some sympathy to Clare. It is more unfortunate that even on his subsequent appearance on A Current Affair he had to be prompted to make an apology. He had an opportunity to make a clear public stand on violence against women, but did not. He focused on himself and his family, who are undoubtedly suffering, but surely his attention should have been on Clare.
I only hope this event is another reminder that there are no winners from unethical sex.
That is part of the message I have been providing to NRL players since 2004. Every year we go to rookie camp training and speak to new players. Every year we go to each of the first-grade clubs. We have helped create rules for players to avoid these incidents, and protocols for managers to deal with them when they do occur - without codes of silence.
It is work that has great value. From where I stand, I see nothing that leads me to question the commitment of the NRL to changing a culture accepting of such degrading treatment of women. Nor can I question the attitude of many young players we have worked with. If we are going to prevent unethical behaviour towards women we need good and ethical men to lead that change. With the approach taken by the NRL, I think we are on the right track.
But it is also clear that given the effect of 6000 years of women being considered as second-class citizens, and a long history of a small minority of men taking sexual advantage of women, it takes considerable time and effort to turn this cultural ship around.
Women who choose to complain to police of sexual assault have to go to extraordinary lengths to defend themselves, their conduct and their families from the judgments and attitudes of others.
Few of us know the details of what happened in Christchurch on February 15, 2002, myself included. But the inescapable conclusion from the harrowing Four Corners report is that a woman's life has been shattered.
New Zealand police concluded their investigation in the way that so many have been concluded before, there and here. There have been many improvements to the way the legal system deals with sexual assault, but the effect of the basic principle of our justice system - that a crime be proven beyond reasonable doubt - is often confused with a declaration of innocence. Sexual assault is notoriously hard to prove. An absence of criminal charges does not mean something unethical did not happen.
In our work with footballers we promote ethical behaviour, respect for women, and importantly, the need to understand what informed consent is and ensure you have it before sex.
A person must freely and voluntarily give their consent before sex. They must be able to give consent. They cannot be drugged or drunk. Consenting to a kiss does not mean consent to intercourse, and consenting to have sex with two men is not consent to have sex with 12.
Essentially, all of this is about not taking advantage of people, about not making assumptions and about checking in on people.
Early on in my work with the NRL some commentators scoffed at the efforts of people such as myself, Wendy McCarthy, Kath Albury and Catharine Lumby by saying that it was a waste of time to try to teach footballers respect for women. Some scoff still.
In fact the NRL was pretty brave to open itself up to feminists, and allow us women working to reduce violence against women to talk with its players.
People have blamed fame, football and even cheerleaders (surely we have moved on from blaming sexual assault on what women wear), but we have found the players themselves to be open and looking for answers. I will continue to work with the NRL for as long as it shows a determination to change the game's culture. Don't for a second think we will not see further headlines, but I know the NRL is trying to do something.
Part of me would like to see the same public outrage expressed about the conduct of Matthew Johns and his teammates, expressed about what happens to the hundreds of other women who ring the Rape Crisis Centre each month but whose assailant did not play league.
The work we do every day at the Rape Crisis Centre tells us there is a need for cultural change not just within league, but across all levels of society. If we want to reduce violence against women we need the silent majority of ethical men to take a stand. We need them to say the jokes about women, the mistreatment, and the violence are no part of being a man. We need them to say to unethical men that it is all utterly unacceptable.
Karen Willis is manager of the NSW Rape Crisis Centre.
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