Let's be frank: our children aren't always entirely honest with us. But, at this time of year, particularly if they just completed their first semester at university, the risk of deception may be particularly high. There's a chance your beloved offspring will fail one or more subjects in their first year – and you will never know. So more a sin of omission than commission.

Your child went to university with a bunch of expectations and an idea in her mind about what tertiary education would be like and it hasn't turned out like that. It's not Legally Blonde. Not A Beautiful Mind. Not Mona Lisa Smile. It's not The Social Network. She discovered that, in many instances, it's not very social at all. The lovely safety of year 12 – which was stressful, no doubt – did not in any way prepare her for what was to come.

University students drop out. They also fail. It's not the end of the world and there is no epidemic of attrition. Most finish a degree within nine years. By when they will still be in their mid-twenties with 50 years of work ahead of them.

As the Higher Education Standards Panel's discussion paper, released earlier this month, reported, despite the moral panic about university admissions, there is no spike in drop-outs despite increased diversity. To repeat: no spike in attrition. As the panel reports: "The facts do not support these assertions."

But parents could do more to ensure their children are as well-prepared for university as possible.

Your child is used to going to school for 30 hours a week and, mostly, in classes with people she's known for six years. She's shared friendships, fun and formal dress shopping. She's used to being coaxed and cajoled even when tired and grumpy. And she's become accustomed to a one-on-one professional relationship with her high school teacher, who not only is confident of her name but knows a lot about her. Also, if she's not feeling 100 per cent, she can send an email to that wonderful secondary educator who will be understanding of her circumstance and get an extension.

Then she meets me and the thousands of other tertiary educators across the country who will never have that luxury. We will, on the whole, know the names of our students. But we just do not have the time to duplicate the extraordinary connection that high school teachers have with their students. Our cohorts are vast, our classes are huge and we may never see your child again after first year. We can't grant extensions because there are deadlines for marks to be entered into the great machinery of tertiary education, which will ensure a student is enrolled into the right subjects for the next teaching period.

Something's missing in the way we prepare young people for university. Some students enter tertiary education and are so poorly prepared we don't see them after the first week. Or they come until census date and then disappear. Or they don't hand in their final assignment worth 50 per cent.

They have little concept of what independent study really means. They want fully worked answers to every possible question and are unprepared for what brilliant philosopher and educator Donald Schön called the "swampy lowlands" where they might need to develop their own questions and also find the methods that best answer those questions. That's how we develop imagination and new knowledge.

And because we can't rely on schools to do everything to educate our children, it's up to parents to do some of that work. Expose them to careers, sure, but also expose them to the kind of thinking that will help them define new ways of work. Ask them what they want to achieve in life instead of what job they want to do.

So I asked my first years what advice they would give to those coming next year. You won't like it. You especially won't like it if you are one of those parents who hovers over your child's shoulder as they come to talk to me on university open day.

The No. 1 tip: take a gap year. The research says that those who take a gap year are likely to do better in their studies.

And those who take a gap year are easier to teach. They have learned to rely on themselves a little more. If your child is not absolutely sure what they want to do as a career, a gap year gives them time. I loved this advice from one of my students: "Don't dive in if you don't feel ready. Starting behind your friends when you're fresh-faced and able is a lot better than restarting behind them once again because you failed too many subjects!"

(I have no idea whether her parents knew she failed – but she's not failing any more!)

Said another who is new to the degree in which I teach: "I didn't take a gap year for two reasons: first, I was a high achiever at high school, so I felt that I had to rush straight into uni and 'prove myself', and second, I simply felt that going to uni fresh out of high school was what everyone else did, so I should do it too.

"As for my other degree, I came to realise that I wasn't passionate about it. I went to all my classes but I didn't really care much about the work I produced or the things I was learning – which is no way to feel about the field you're working towards a career in!"

Another said: "Once you're stripped away from the cushy comfort of your friends, family and life at home, you realise what you're really about."

Still another told future students to ignore their parents' desires.

"Don't rely on what other people think you'll be good at when choosing a degree. Don't force yourself into the degree just because you want to prove something to your parents or anyone. Also, when I was choosing, I'd often hear 'but there are no jobs'. Just do what you want and, if you're really passionate, you'll invent a job! So don't let that stop you. Oh, and in terms of transitioning into uni, don't expect to find your BFF straight away. Uni ain't like that. Get used to being independent."

I told you you wouldn't like it.

Jenna Price is a columnist for The Canberra Times and Daily Life and an academic at the University of Technology Sydney.

Twitter: @JennaPrice

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