An Open Letter to Clive Palmer, il capo de capo, Palmer United Party.
As you know, today is the last day for nominations for September’s national sausage sizzle of democracy and I noticed late last night that you’ve come up short one senatorial candidate for South Australia. I find myself favourably disposed towards being a Senator from South Australia and would herewith like to flop my old fellow out on the chopping block of public opinion for you to consider my ample qualifications.
Yes, I know, you have your website where anyone can nominate as a candidate for PUP, and I applaud you for adopting such an open and inclusive approach when both the major parties turned me down on character grounds. (The Nats are still having a think about it, just so you know, probably best not to tarry.)
Anyway, I would totally fill in the web application to be a Senator, if only because I’d like to forge a Super Friends League with Dio Wang and Chamonix Terblanche from your WA Senate team. I feel that with two such providentially named candidates we could do some awesome things and if necessary I’d be willing to change my name to Handsome La Chance for the purposes of fitting in, fighting crime and being awesome.
(Also, with the Senate Super Friends League in mind, I’ll shoot through some plans I have for a secret space base/orbital weapons platform I’ve been designing for some time now. There’s a Lego model too.)
I have one problem, however, not being resident in SA, which is why, with the deadline for nominations looming at noon today, I decided to approach you through this channel. I understand that with so many candidates nominating there’ll probably be all sorts of shenanigans with some candidates not getting their forms filled out properly or choosing suitable Super Friends names. (If Glen Lazarus is one of those affected thus, I’m ready to step into his shoes for the top Queensland Senate spot, and by that I mean his metaphorical shoes because, you know, eeww!)
I don’t think the fact I currently don’t live in South Australia should exclude me, because someone on Twitter last night said I could leave some PJs and undies and stuff in their garage up in the Adelaide Hills and that it would be all right if they were a little bit ‘soiled’. In fact, they sort of insisted on that, which should help establish my bona fides as a resident of the serial killer state.
Clive, I would make a kick arse Senator.
On your website site, when spruiking for candidates you asked everyone to make at least one policy suggestion but I have two! These include but are not limited to making the Senate all Toga all the time, and building hundreds of giant fibreglass dinosaurs along the national highway system, at random distances from each other, with every fourth or fifth dinosaur to be animatronic. This would encourage families to use the highways again for holidays as the kiddies would be fully engaged in guessing when the next megapod might appear and whether it might be one of the moving ones. A bold nation building project I’m sure you’ll agree, with many benefits to be shared between the capitals, where the dinosaurs would be manufactured behind mighty tariff walls, and rural-n-regional Australia where they would mostly be deployed and could, if hollow, provide housing for the refugees we’ll be flying in under your forward thinking policy of letting refugees fly into the mining regions to work.
Also, togas. I’m very excited about the togas.
Anyway, if you could see your way clear to giving me that Senate spot in South Oz I promise to use this, my nationally syndicated column to campaign shamelessly for a very Palmer future of togas and dinosaurs.
(Senator-to-be Handsome La Chance)
JB's electoral office office can be found at cheeseburgergothic.com