Hit in the hip pocket: coffee prices to rise.

Hit in the hip pocket: drinking coffee can be costly. Photo: Peter Schofield

I wasn’t always like this, you know. I didn’t shake so much when I was hanging out for it. My head didn’t hurt when I went a day without a taste. I wasn’t always looking down back of the couch cushions for coins to pay for my next hit. There was a time, a long time ago now, when I didn’t even touch the stuff. Didn’t understand people who did. Thought they were weak. Thought they were losers. But I spent over $4000 on store bought coffees this year, so who’s the loser now?

And that four grand? It doesn’t even cover the shots I brewed up at home. Or little snacky-poos and sweet treats I washed down with my liquid gold. 

Four thousand dollars and God only knows how many calories. I could have bought eight premium gym memberships and not gone to the gym all year for that sort of money. Calories I saved not drinking $4K of flat whites and short blacks or eating all those damned blondies would’ve kept me happily off the treadmill until, oh, I don’t know, the heat death of the universe.

How did it come to this? Not just me, but all of us. If there’s, say, 10 million grown-ups in this country and they’re all knocking back the java at the very very modest rate I do of three to four double shots a day, that’s like $40 billion we just blew on coffee!

It doesn’t sound right. It can’t be right. It must be Hockeynomics! But omigod I spent four fkn grand on store-bought coffee this year and I can’t be the only one. Each of those damned cups cost me more than just money and inches of pud around the waistline too. There’s a solid half hour of downtime every time I venture down the hill to get Anna or Mitchie to make up my regular.

Hour and a half a day!

Do you know what I charge for my time? A helluva lot more than it’s worth, let me tell you! And there’s another eleventy billion dollars down the national gurgler.

And before my regular horde of mouth-breathing stalkers starts up about bloody caffe lattes NONE OF THEM WERE CAFFE BLOODY LATTES.

But I’m so distressed by this realisation that I’m gonna have to go get me a coffee right now to calm down. And maybe a blueberry muffin.