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Finding the perfect Avenger for you

Chris Hemsworth portrays Thor, left, and  and Chris Evans portrays Captain America in a scene from "The Avengers".

Chris Hemsworth portrays Thor, left, and and Chris Evans portrays Captain America in a scene from "The Avengers".

I’m going to assume we’ve all seen The Avengers by now, because it was released yesterday and you have no excuses. Unless you live in America where, apparently, the collapse in the National Awesomeness Index means they won’t getting to watch Joss Whedon’s masterwork for a little while yet.

Allow me to laugh like an evil super villain. Muwhahahahaha…

And so, on to the film or rather the whole point of Whedon making this film, which was to pose to me the most important philosophical question its ever been my thinky pleasure to conjur with. If I was going to be an Avenger, which Avenger would I be?

Mark Ruffalo plays The Hulk in <i>The Avengers</i>.

Mark Ruffalo plays The Hulk in The Avengers.

Now, lets not rule out Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow, immediately, just because she’s a chick. After all, she has some awesome kung fu and she is an unstoppable killing machine of death, both of which are big ticks in her favour. But then again she is a chick and I’m not so that’s kind of insurmountable.

Of the other superheroes we can probably scratch The Hulk straight away because the big green angry machine comes with a lot of guilt, and as a totally lapsed Catholic I had to give that up. Plus, Bruce Banner’s not really in control of his mojo and there’s no point having the ability to punch out a skyscraper if your anger management issues are so chaotic you can’t actually focus on the right skyscraper to reduce to rubble under the relentless bombardment of your pounding Hulk hands.

So. Thor? He’s popular with the ladies and he is like a God or something which would definitely have it’s privileges, especially with the ladies, but I get the impression that when Thor isn’t smiting dudes with that lightning hammer life’s just a whole heap of paperwork and meetings to take and time sheets and monthly billables and all the bureaucratic chickenshit that goes with being a godking. So no, not Thor.

Hawkeye? He’s cool, and being able to shoot down alien Harley Davidsons with an explodey bow and arrow would be double plus awesome, but it’d also get a dull after a while. And you’d run out of arrows. And what are you then? A somewhat stoppable killing machine of death. Cool but no cigar.

Captain America? Pfft. I have to fly down to Sydney today to sit in the US Consulate for about eleventy hundred hours to get my W7 IRS form stamped. No they won’t fax it. No they don’t do email. Yes, Mr Birmingham, you must present yourself at the Consulate to collect your special rubber stamp even though it’s like a 2000 mile round trip. If they jerk me around this badly over one lousy tax form how bad must it be for full-time US citizens? Bad enough that the makers of The Avengers can’t even be bothered releasing the film there yet. They’re probably still sitting in a queue somewhere waiting for a tax stamp.

And that brings us to the obvious choice. Tony Stark. Iron Man. Sure he needs the suit to reach his awesome best, but what is he without the suit? The billionaire genius playboy philanthropist dating Gwyneth Paltrow that’s who. And he gets the best jokes.

So I know which Avenger I’d want to be.

120 comments so far

  • I think you've identified a nice new rule of thumb: Never travel to a country that requires you to go 1000km out of your way just for a visa. Seems faintly odd that they have no consulate in Brisbane. Perhaps it's because a place called "Queensland" couldn't possibly be real?

    Date and time
    April 26, 2012, 7:02AM
    • Kinda like the time I had to travel 1000 kilometres from San Francisco to LA just to have my Aussie visa 'evidenced' in my passport because, wait for it, there was no Australian consulate in SFO. Trust me pal, we are just as culpable as the Yanks in bureaucratic idiocy.

      Date and time
      April 26, 2012, 2:50PM
  • Thor. I love a good hammer, and I would get a minion to do the paperwork. And when the minion betrays me, I can have yet another adventure.

    Date and time
    April 26, 2012, 7:49AM
    • I'm The Hulk. But that's o.k. The green will wash off eventually. At least, I hope so - or I may get very angry.

      You won't like me when I'm angry.
      Date and time
      April 26, 2012, 7:54AM
      • JB

        Half a century ago, we laughed at the Chinese as they eked out a living in blue Mao suits. Times have moved on for the Chinese.

        Now, they smirk at us. "Puppets of the US" they say.

        Given your adulation for American Crap, I suggest they have a point. Fortunately, not all Australians fawn like you - apparently grafted to the US media industry.

        US media can produce wonderful product. Sadly, the formula driven churn dominates. While the publicity machine spends up big to entice you into the smelly chair, the overly loud and colour saturated junk asks you to suspend credibility. Why? I suspect it's so you can bleat to others about how you are first to see another episode of crap - something that hardly has an emotional or cognitive impact, and soon will become just another wasted arvo.

        And, I thought you were too smart to suspend your intelligence on animated drivel.


        Date and time
        April 26, 2012, 7:59AM
        • No you didn't.

          Date and time
          April 26, 2012, 8:29AM
        • But what Avenger would you be? O_o

          chewing salty razors
          Date and time
          April 26, 2012, 8:48AM
        • That should be what Awhinger, Raida.

          Geoff Edwards
          Date and time
          April 26, 2012, 9:35AM
        • You're right, Bongingham isn't too smart by half, or even a quarter for that matter. Even his airport trashy novel "books" are based on video games nowadays too. He is a total sell out and Amercian lackey like most Australians these days. It is all a result of the ongoing cultural inferiority complex many Aussies still feel. Quite pathetic really.

          the beach
          Date and time
          April 26, 2012, 12:14PM
        • Hey, JB, looks like you've picked up a coupla new fans in Dalliance and Treeman. I bet neither have seen the movie or read your books.

          Date and time
          April 26, 2012, 12:31PM

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