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Hands off my breakfast

Date

What is it about the festive season that brings these miserable bastards out of the closet? There I was contemplating a nice run of holiday breakfasts starting with ham on thick, fluffy white toast, perhaps a poached egg, melted cheese and barbecue sauce on Christmas morning, before settling down to the serious business of getting in half dozen or so mega café breakfasts involving staggering tonnages of bacon, pork sausages, black pudding, baked beans, fried mushrooms, enough hashbrowns to build a fort with which I can defend my breakfast haul from wandering fingers, a couple of avocados, because I heard they lower cholesterol or something, some fried bread, maybe a Christmas muffin, a couple of buckets of full fat milky coffee, some orange juice, because you have to stay healthy, and maybe just another sausage because I find with breakfast sausages they tend to be a bit undersized.

I'm sitting there, drumming my fingers on a belly which is already taut and groaning in anticipation, when my relaxed contemplation of seasonal engorgement is ruined by a posse of wretched naysayers and punishment freaks riding over the hill waving their sticks of celery and puckering their disapproving lips at me so fiercely that I can only imagine they've been giving the prune juice a terrible hiding.

Hands off that banana bread, shrieks Women's Health magazine in its most recent issue after commissioning research into the 'hazards of breakfast'. Don't you realise that banana bread contains more kilojoules than a KFC Zinger Works Burger? Whoa, back off, fitness bitch, I reply. First of all, bananas are very healthy. Chimpanzees are like seven times stronger than your average man* and they eat heaps of bananas. And secondly, I'm a bloke, so Women's Health is of no interest to me anyway. My metabolism was forged in the evolutionary, err, forge of the savage tundra where my ancestors needed tectonic slabs of banana bread just to stay ahead of the saber toothed tigers with whom they were competing to race to the top of the food chain, where those rat bastard chimps had hidden all the sausages.

Now now, John, scolds the Dietitians Association of Australia, did you know that hot chocolate adds 15.5g of fat to your calorie count? Ha! I scoff. You're forgetting about the bag of marshmallows I brought along to tip into it.

"Step away from the muffin!" shouts dietary busybody Dr. Rosemary Stanton. You should be ordering raisin bread."

But I am Doc, I plead. Here, I've got a big buttered slice between these two pieces of banana bread.

God's bollocks I will not stand for it I tell you. Do these people not realise how much alcohol I drink at this time of year? How on earth am I supposed to survive that if not by mopping up the rancid grog in my bloodstream the morning after with mounds of greasy bacon and scrambled eggs?

And... damn, I forgot to order the scrambled eggs.

_____

* Stated fact may not actually be true.

96 comments so far

  • birmin'am, your "big buttered slice between two pieces of banana bread" for some reason conjures up images of muffin dukes and stollen tribadism.
    pz.v.

    Commenter
    virtual
    Location
    sharpening the scissors of discrimination NOT
    Date and time
    December 22, 2009, 6:25AM
    • Drugs are bad, alcohol is bad, pizza is bad, smoking is bad, shooting people who s*it you is bad, what's next, 8 hour stretches on the Xbox is bad?.

      Good grief, and pass the salt.

      Commenter
      Moko
      Location
      Stalking a coffee
      Date and time
      December 22, 2009, 6:57AM
      • Mmmm sausages.

        Commenter
        Abe
        Location
        Queanbeyan
        Date and time
        December 22, 2009, 7:08AM
        • I agree with everything. What they said in the referenced article is also very misleading and only highlighting 'worst case scenarios'. For example, CHOICE.com.au found typical banana bread to have only 1400 kJ, and there are recipes as low as 530 kJ.

          I hate it when journalists take a fact and knowingly mislead people simply for sensationalism.

          And besides - is eating the problem, or the lack of exercise people also do?

          Commenter
          btboz
          Location
          Melbourne
          Date and time
          December 22, 2009, 7:11AM
          • Bloody fun police! Spend years telling us we need Brekky, it's the most important meal of the day.... no it shouldn't consist of black coffee and cigarettes.... yada yada yada. Then when we do as we're bloddy told, we're still not doing it right. Brekky apparently should be the most BORING meal of the day!

            Commenter
            Mayhem
            Location
            In a hash brown fort, eating my way from the inside out. Pass the bacon!
            Date and time
            December 22, 2009, 7:27AM
            • it's amazing how attitudes change though after the first bout of chest pain!

              Commenter
              robbie
              Location
              melbourne
              Date and time
              December 22, 2009, 7:45AM
              • John you forgot the deep fried Mars bar. One must have dessert at breakfast after all.

                ___

                JB: I 'angs me 'ead in shame, sir.

                Commenter
                Peter
                Location
                Northern Adelaide
                Date and time
                December 22, 2009, 8:07AM
                • It's all true, look at the evidence - we're dropping like flies, the western population is decreasing by the day, we're not livnig until we're 90!

                  oh wait..

                  We're fine. If weren't we'd be dying a lot more and last time I checked a world population of 6 billion+ doesn't sound like we're really under threat.

                  Commenter
                  Max
                  Location
                  Mad
                  Date and time
                  December 22, 2009, 8:10AM
                  • I say again, it's well past time for a "Leave Me the @#$! Alone" Party. Its platform (which could use some work) : All Hedonic Optimisation, All the Time.

                    Commenter
                    Sturt
                    Location
                    outer western spiral arm
                    Date and time
                    December 22, 2009, 8:12AM
                    • http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

                      Commenter
                      Andrew McIntosh
                      Location
                      Glenroy
                      Date and time
                      December 22, 2009, 8:19AM

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