Keep kids away from men on planes? Yes please!

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Maybe I don’t want to sit next to Tracey Spicer's kids on a flight. Hell, I don’t want to sit next to my own kids on a flight. (S’okay, kids. You know Daddy loves you. But we only had the money for one business class seat, and mum gets lonely back there in economy so someone had to take that bullet).

Flights, especially long flights, are awesome. All that time to catch up on unwatched TV and movies and unplayed games, and maybe a little nap, and some free drinks, and  maybe some more free drinks, and then a little rough-housing with the paramilitary forces of Indonesia when you mistake the cockpit for the dunny. It’s all good.

The last thing any bloke wants is to be parked next to some mewling brat for half a day on the way to Bali or Honkers.

Trace – we’re Twitter-pals, I can totally call her Trace – wrote here yesterday about not wanting her brats sitting next to any men in flight. Not just weird men. Any of us. She cited the case of a flight in 2012 when Qantas crew “forced a male nurse to swap seats with a female passenger, because he was sitting next to an unrelated girl travelling on her own”.

Trace, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say nine times out of 10 you won’t need to force anyone, male or female, to move away from an unaccompanied kid on a flight. They’re gonna spill their juice on you. They’re gonna make with the sad eyes until you give them your pathetic little Cadbury milk chocolate ration. And if they’re in the middle seat, you might as well just give up and spend the entire flight standing in the aisle waiting for them to either go to or come back from the latest of three hundred and twenty-seven toilet visits.

Oh, and good luck enjoying your window seat if you get one. The little bastards won’t rest until you give it up for them, along with the goddamned Cadbury. In fact the only thing worse than sitting next to Tracey Spicer’s children in flight is sitting in front of them while they kick the living bejesus out of your seat back.

So Qantas, be advised, the next time these little hellions, or any of their age cohort, travel you can feel totally free to move me the hell away from them. I'm begging you. The further forward and the closer to the premium drinks cart and the nice pastry trays the better.