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Keep kids away from men on planes? Yes please!

Maybe I don’t want to sit next to Tracey Spicer's kids on a flight. Hell, I don’t want to sit next to my own kids on a flight. (S’okay, kids. You know Daddy loves you. But we only had the money for one business class seat, and mum gets lonely back there in economy so someone had to take that bullet).

Flights, especially long flights, are awesome. All that time to catch up on unwatched TV and movies and unplayed games, and maybe a little nap, and some free drinks, and  maybe some more free drinks, and then a little rough-housing with the paramilitary forces of Indonesia when you mistake the cockpit for the dunny. It’s all good.

The last thing any bloke wants is to be parked next to some mewling brat for half a day on the way to Bali or Honkers.

Trace – we’re Twitter-pals, I can totally call her Trace – wrote here yesterday about not wanting her brats sitting next to any men in flight. Not just weird men. Any of us. She cited the case of a flight in 2012 when Qantas crew “forced a male nurse to swap seats with a female passenger, because he was sitting next to an unrelated girl travelling on her own”.

Trace, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say nine times out of 10 you won’t need to force anyone, male or female, to move away from an unaccompanied kid on a flight. They’re gonna spill their juice on you. They’re gonna make with the sad eyes until you give them your pathetic little Cadbury milk chocolate ration. And if they’re in the middle seat, you might as well just give up and spend the entire flight standing in the aisle waiting for them to either go to or come back from the latest of three hundred and twenty-seven toilet visits.

Oh, and good luck enjoying your window seat if you get one. The little bastards won’t rest until you give it up for them, along with the goddamned Cadbury. In fact the only thing worse than sitting next to Tracey Spicer’s children in flight is sitting in front of them while they kick the living bejesus out of your seat back.

So Qantas, be advised, the next time these little hellions, or any of their age cohort, travel you can feel totally free to move me the hell away from them. I'm begging you. The further forward and the closer to the premium drinks cart and the nice pastry trays the better.

148 comments so far

  • Brilliant response! and so very true.

    Commenter
    Noodlebat
    Date and time
    April 29, 2014, 1:59AM
    • What is brilliant about it? The writer copied some comments from yesterday. Men should stand up for their rights not try to be funny.

      Commenter
      Haggis
      Date and time
      April 29, 2014, 8:47AM
    • "Trace" is concerned about her children's safety to the point that it doesn't cost her any money and doesn't impact on her schedule. She would fly with them if she was concerned about their welfare, rather than outsource the care and expect the airline and its paying passengers to accommodate her unfounded fears.

      Commenter
      JC
      Location
      Brisbane
      Date and time
      April 29, 2014, 9:31AM
    • I agree with Haggis - I was looking forward to reading the article but unfortunately I think John Birmingham missed an opportunity to make a meaningful reply

      Commenter
      Nick
      Date and time
      April 29, 2014, 9:49AM
    • How could anyone find what Tracy said offensive?

      She said she knew most men weren't child sex predators - she just reserves the right to treat all men as potential child sex predators.

      Perhaps she could extrapolate this to parks, shopping malls and cinemas.

      Breeding grounds for these potential child sex predators and their nefarious planes to sit next to your children because they are forced too.

      Perhaps Tracy could encourage "potential child sex predator" free days where men were simply barred from going anywhere they may come into contact with children.

      Commenter
      The brown note
      Date and time
      April 29, 2014, 9:59AM
    • I was disapointed that you have not ripped into the elephant in the room here. I too enjoy Johns sentiment here very much, but I think there is an issue not being addressed which is Spicers article was a new low for fairfax and there should be a public apology. How can she ever expect to have a shred of credibility after such rubbish......its obviously offended many and is not in any way of benifit to anybody. For shame Tracey and come on John stick the boot in why dont ya.

      Commenter
      nut
      Location
      Brisbane
      Date and time
      April 29, 2014, 10:12AM
    • This is yet another example of a parents expecting someone else to deal with their choices.

      You must slow down to 40km an hour because I cant watch my kid, you must fence all pools in the world because I can't watch my kid, everyone one needs to go home early because of our young 18 year olds who have never been taught to look after themselves as kids, you must change your airplane policy to make sure all men do not sit next to my kids when they fly alone unsupervised because I cant watch them.

      This world is getting worse as we speak.

      Commenter
      SICK OF IT
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      April 29, 2014, 12:22PM
    • @ JC - you've hit the nail on the head. As much as I agree with the thrust of John's article, if an airline steward asked me to move away from a kid, I'd tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine, on principle. If he pressed the matter, I'd threaten legal action for defamation.

      Spicer's original article read as though she believes the majority of men are paedophiles, rather than that the majority of paedophiles, a vanishingly small percentage of the population, are men. If she's happy for her kids to be sat next to a female, it obviously never occurred to her that women are very regularly involved in child abductions. Because, of the two, I would be more worried about my child being abducted than molested on a plane. Mind you, I wouldn't be putting my kids on a plane by themselves unless/until I had faith they could handle either of those situations.

      Commenter
      Motormouth
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      April 29, 2014, 12:44PM
    • Why should only men be lucky enough to be moved away from unaccompanied minors??? When I'm travelling sans my own kids, I don't want to be stuck next to someone else's!!

      Commenter
      Di
      Date and time
      April 29, 2014, 12:46PM
    • Children should not fly without a parent or caregiver

      Commenter
      G London
      Date and time
      April 29, 2014, 3:18PM

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