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The night I seduced some almonds

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought it would happen to me but… Actually, no, scratch that, like most men I always think it could and should happen to me all the time but I’m neither a plumber nor a pool maintenance man so my opportunities for random sexual encounters with hot frustrated house wives and sexy college lesbians with a taste for hairy male plumbers or the smell of chlorine are sort of minimal. But being a world-renowned chef there are compensations.

Why just the other day I was alone in the kitchen sipping lonesomely on a long cool glass of alkalised water with apple cider vinegar, thinking to myself, damn, this water tastes like crap. Who put all the effing vinegar in? Not even a banana and blueberry smoothie could wash the taste away. Especially after some jerk spiked it with a big ol’ honking shot of spirulina which, believe me, tastes every bit as nasty as it sounds.

So anyway Penthouse, I always thought your letters were made up until this happened to me because really, in real life what sort of cultured vegetable gets a face full of spirulina without asking for it? But spitting out the nasty water and ruined smoothie I looked up and there they were… the almonds. Dark, sultry and almond shaped, just like the dark almond shaped eyes of a pair of sultry Penthouse style lesbians; you know, the ones who are totally into men.

Playing it cool I sidled up to them. Now wasn’t the time to whip out a pair of pendulous emu meatballs. Now was a moment for quiet reflection, for style and sophistication. The sort of moment that might just lead on to a root. A liquorice root, of course. Bathed in warm water and poured all over a fiery mound of ginger.

“Well hello, my nutty little friend,” I said. They were silent. Because almonds don’t say much as a rule.

But they responded, oh how they responded, when soaked in a soaking balm of spirulina-free store-bought water. Would it be boastful of me to say, gentlemen, to say that by the time I was finished with them, those almonds were well and truly activated?

Why not join JB in the hottub at his personal blog? Cheeseburgergothic.com. He's got nuts.

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