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The truth about cats and dogs

Date

I don’t know why anybody has cats. I've got three, and I still don’t know why. Actually, that’s a lie. We have cats because we have no choice. They’re like your nightmare flatmate, the one who schemes and connives his way into the house via the backdoor, almost always on someone else’s ticket. And then the pathfinder moves out, and before you know it, your virtual flatmate is an actual flatmate, jumping up onto the kitchen table stealing the rib eye steak, rubbing its wormy arse all over your pillow and spraying its ‘scent’ into the corner behind the couch.

This is an actual guy called Billy I’m talking about, but cats are almost as bad.

Dogs on the other hand? Man’s best friend. Woman’s best friend. Best mate to the little kiddies and orphans and neglected old folk of the world. A dog will give its life for you. A dog will rub your feet, run your bath, pour you a double whiskey and responsibly post your blog copy for you when you just can't be bothered. A dog will always be there, gazing up lovingly with those big ol’ doggy eyes, waitin’ for the love.

Cats? Ha! Do you know where your cat is 23 hours a day? No. Because details of what goes on in North Korea are sketchy at best. But you miss a single feeding and those little hellions will be up in your face, chewing it right off your skull while you sleep.

Sure, they might be good at keeping the vermin down. (Although I’ve met plenty of lazy arse cats who’ll sneer at you like you’re a crazy man for even suggesting they might have a go at the fat, slow moving mouse that’s currently flat out on its back in the kitchen, slowly drumming its paws on a grossly distended belly full of imported French cheese). But mostly when they do actually deign to get up and do their bloody job it’s purely because as a species they’re a bunch of Hannibal Lector style psychopaths who love nothing more than taunting and teasing their victims for sport, just before they eat up their brains with a bowl of fava beans and a nice chianti.

Do I sound bitter? Because I am bitter. Three of these little raptors we’ve allowed into our house and the only time they’ll give you the time of day is when they’re hungry and suddenly they’re all “Do you know what time of day it is, mate? We’re huuuuungryyyyy. And we’re gonna eat your face if you let another hour go buy without filling our damn food bowl”.

(Exasperated sigh).

Cats.

Biggest mistake we ever made letting them in the back door.

114 comments

  • According to my Local Mixologist, every woman should have four pets in her life...A Mink in the closet, a Jaguar in her garage, a Tiger in her bed and a Jackass who pays for everything.

    Commenter
    Geronimo
    Location
    Yippee Yi Yo
    Date and time
    April 17, 2012, 6:32AM
    • Funny, but I have neither cat nor dog so therefore I am in the best position to comment on this post.

      For wandering the post apocalyptic wasteland it has to be a dog. The don Johnson movie, based on Harrison 'A boy and his dog', the Fallout series of games, I am legend, Mad Max 2, Gordon R Dickson's 'Iron and Wolf. In these stories -.all dogs.

      Can't think of a single story with a cat, I like to think that the CATastrophe that leads to the apocalypse wipes them out, more likely they evolve even greater mind control powers and enslave mankind.

      Commenter
      Barnesm
      Location
      Melbourne
      Date and time
      April 17, 2012, 7:20AM
      • Video games, is there anything they can't teach us?

        Commenter
        JB
        Date and time
        April 17, 2012, 7:55AM
      • Try Gordon R Dickson's Time Storm.

        Admittedly, the cat is a leopard.

        And where can I get myself a Catperson like Nastasia Kinski in that movie? I can't imagine a Dogperson being quite like that.

        Post-apocalypse, I think you need a cat for the rats and a dog for the zombies - although post-Apoc dogs often form wolf-packs and zombie dogs are nightmares (or at least they were in Resident Evil).

        I've even heard dogs are zombies and cats are possessed of devils.

        See also the Cat's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse (http://pawcurious.com/2011/11/guest-post-the-cat%E2%80%99s-guide-to-surviving-a-zombie-apocalypse/).

        PS. I prefer dogs myself.

        Commenter
        Aelred
        Location
        Rievaulx
        Date and time
        April 17, 2012, 9:37AM
      • yes, an astute observation, maybe this exception proves your rule: 'harry and tonto' with art carney

        Commenter
        leeland
        Date and time
        April 17, 2012, 11:20AM
      • Thanks Aelred, I haven't come across that link before. Brilliant.

        Commenter
        Barnesm
        Location
        Melbourne, watching, waiting , prepared
        Date and time
        April 17, 2012, 11:52AM
      • @Barnesm
        Robert Anson Heinlein - "The Door into Summer"

        He also said "How we behave toward cats here below determines our status in heaven".

        And of course there's Greebo from the Discworld novels.

        Dogs may survive Armegeddon - but cats prevent it.

        Commenter
        Anthony
        Location
        Victoria
        Date and time
        April 18, 2012, 10:21AM
    • We tolerate cats because they represent a challenge. Can I get this aloof, graceful, sinuous, selfish, cruel but beautiful creature to *like* me? Will it deign to curl its toxoplasmosis-riddled body on my lap and infect me? Puncture me, my clothes and the furniture with its entirely optional claws and reward my grooming with a purr? Dogs are just easy.

      (Deadlines on the other hand are a bugger.)

      Commenter
      Greybeard
      Location
      Scurvy Dog Tavern & Book Depository
      Date and time
      April 17, 2012, 7:29AM
      • There's one good reason to own a cat when you are young - they teach you all you need to know about women in their 20s.

        Commenter
        mint slice
        Location
        sydney
        Date and time
        April 17, 2012, 9:22AM
    • They got to you - read about cat brain control parasite. True. Cats transfer a parasite to humans that change their behaviour.

      Commenter
      tqft
      Date and time
      April 17, 2012, 7:33AM

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