US election a creature feature for the Twitterati

This awesome gif was not the comedy highlight of yesterday’s US election*. For premium lulz I loved the sustained performance piece that was the #Romneydeathrally hashtag on Twitter. A mass re-imagining of the campaign and ballot day in the form of a Lovecraftian saga, chiseled onto the dead grey bones of Cthulhu in 140 character epigrams.

“A ghastly pale moon, enormous and pockmarked, rises behind Romney as Rush Limbaugh disrobes onstage… In his moon base Newt sips a martini as he continues to watch the devastation spread.  "Pity... I liked some of them.”

I turned the whole thing into an epic Norse saga over at my personal blog, if that’s how you roll. Seemed a bit much to run it here.

It was a great example, however, of how much more cutting and savage and dead-on-damaging the anonymous Horde can be than those of us who get paid to share our fascinating opinions of the world’s doin’s and a-goings-on with you. Sometimes I wonder why you even bother. When you look at how crackbrained and biased and just plain wrong we are most of the time you’d probably be better off getting your political coverage from Jon Stewart or John Clarke or just some smart arse with a Cthulhu complex on the interwebz. (Or you could just do the math, like the NYT's Nate Silver, the real winner yesterday). Can it be more than a few minutes before somebody draws out the lessons of the US election for the coming Gillard-Abbott showdown. Or Rudd-Turnbull? Or whatever?

One of the more interesting analyses of yesterday's vote came from Der Spiegel’s Jakob Augustein, who argued that although it was a vote, it wasn’t truly democratic, because the real power has long ago shifted from Washington to Wall Street. There were problems with Augustein’s argument, which we picked apart in minute detail at the Burger while waiting for the next installment of the Deathrally tweet saga (What can I say? I love a good Presidential election, we should try it here one day). 

But long story short, Augustein thought that the vote itself was little more than empty theatre because the shattered husk of state power in the US is nothing more than a thin cover for the much deeper and more potent machinations of corporate power which lie beneath it.

In the end politics is the brutal business of dividing up the spoils. For all that we allow ourselves to be distracted by hysteria and bullshit, politics remains the struggle over who gets what and who gets to do as they damn well please. Autonomy and  resources - nothing else really matters. The business interests which have all but captured the political process in the US understand that. It’s why they pour so many hundreds of billions of dollars into working the system in their favour, while the rest of us are reduced to sniping and snarking from the fringes.

On which note, what the hell. Here's the #Romneydeathrally as epic saga.

The #RomneyDeathRally is now real. The blood gates have opened.

“A faceless quivering mass has taken Missouri. Please, take shelter in your homes.” Then the feed went out.


Romney raises his hands as pillars of fire frame the stage.  “We have such delightful things to show you!”, he bellows at #RomneyDeathRally

A pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque and scaly body with rudimentary wings… all disguised within a single man

“Those lucky enough to have your lives, take them with you. However, leave the ballots you’ve lost. They belong to me now.”

“Can you smell it?!” Paul Ryan screams at the assembled. “Can you smell your fear made flesh?!”

“Hollow, hollow,” the crowd wails, “The Romney’s laughter fills us, but we are hollow.”

Glenn Beck gibbers insanely after his lips and eyelids have been removed as punishment for his failures

“You will grovel,” Romney demanded to the woman, “Or suffer The Binder!” The crowd chants: “The Binder!”

Mitt opens one in front of us; it alights to pray on the women. He has boxes more, & they will feed…

Lo, the NecRomnomicon was opened and six upon six women sprung from the binder, declared to be First Wives of Armageddon...

In an awkward coincidence, Meatloaf is devoured by a bat out of hell.

Sarah Palin bursts into tears, which immediately burst into flames at #Romneydeathrally. Her hair grows, emerging as screeching crows.

A ghastly pale moon, enormous and pockmarked, rises behind Romney as Rush Limbaugh disrobes onstage.

In his moon base Newt sips a martini as he continues to watch the devastation spread.  “Pity… I liked some of them”

Romney whispers in gutteral tones, echoed by the mewling hordes: “Where we’re going, we don’t need eyes to see”

Romney plunges his hands into the flames. Feels incredible power. But he has not cast the right spells. Dark gods laugh.

He falls on his knees. “Give me Ohio and my sons will serve you.” The earth shudders. Ravens circle the Cleveland skyline.

A thousand souls at Fox News cry out in horror as the ritual goes dreadfully wrong

“The swing states do not swing,” Romney gibbers. “With no pendulum, whither the denizens of the pit?!”

Rupert Murdoch crushes dozens beneath his massive paws as he stomps onto stage. “VOTER FRAUD!” he screams! “It’s all fraud!”

Drones draw closer to the scene, payloads ready to wipe the grisly scene from the face of the earth

“I can be slain by no man,” Romney bellows, breath of rot and sulfur. Hillary Clinton raises her sword. “I am no man!”

Romney grins “what would save YOU, mortal?” Obama smirks and hits the button “Co-workers.” The sky darkens with drones…

Tears of bubbling pitch fall from Romney’s eyes.  He wipes them with a hundred dollar bill. The fire melts skin off bones

Briefcase bulging with unmarked ballot papers, Ryan shouts over his shoulder, “Ruuun! Get to the choppa!”

Obama surveys the wasteland,”He hasn’t given a concession yet”. Biden snorts,”Hell, he still hasn’t given tax returns”

As the sun rose, all who had touched the hem of his robe became translucent, fading, melting away.

* Actually, the gong for dark comedy highlight has to go to the American voter for maintaining the balance of power in the House of Reps, and thereby stomping on the accelerator as the country's economy, with the world in tow, races towards the fiscal cliff.


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