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Vegan pets expose a hierarchy of herbivores

Date

Question: what's the only thing missing from a vegan pet food diet?

Answer: a meat lovers pizza and a carton of chocolate milk.

Bada bing! Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

No, really. I've done actual studies on this. I only bring it up now because of this fantastic story on the site yesterday, about a line of vegan pet food.

To clarify, that's pet food for cats and dogs not made out of vegans – think Snappy Tom's Soylent Green – but rather pet food made out of whatever it is that vegans eat.

Well, some vegans anyway. Having mused on Twitter yesterday about this topic I was rushed by one panicky vegan who didn't want the crazy rubbing off on him.

“Nooooo!” cried @mattheworbit. “Don't think we vegans endorse this! It's crazy-talk! Cats are carnivores.”

(It's off-topic, sort of, but this confirmed to me something I always suspected about the leaf-n-twig set; it appears to be possessed of a caste-based hierarchy that could teach the old Shogunates of Japan a thing or two about caste-based hierarchies. At the very bottom of the, ahem, food chain you'd have your fishytarians and my odd, 'virtual vegan' friend Maria who's happy to pour meat sauce all over her minty peas (big bowls of minty peas are 90 per cent of her diet) as long as the meat is strained out first. I always thought vegans sat at the top of this feudal system, but now I find out that even they have their own hierarchy, with crazy cat ladies forcing stewed eggplant into their poor pussies, perched atop the throne).

OK, so, gratuitous mockery and Mrs Slocum jokes over, unfortunately, the pet food story did remind me of the time I was actually asked to house-sit for a couple of friends who insisted their cat was vegetarian. Just so you know, these guys also used to wrap bottles of water in different colored layers of cellophane because it focused the rainbow goodness of the sun into the old H2O, apparently. Imbued the water with magical powers 'n' stuff.
So you can understand my skepticism about their lentil-loving feline. Didn't look to me like he was getting any wood over the bowl of pre-mulched mushrooms and carrots and crap I served up on that first night.
But old Puss and I, we bonded something fierce when I let him share the dinner I was having. A chocolate milk and a meat lovers pizza. The poor little bastard hooked into that like a hungry raptor.

I can't imagine he'd be impressed with this new line of 'super vegan' pet food. Not unless the super vegans really committed to the cause and volunteered to go into the can themselves when their time was up. Sort of like a Soylent Green and Logan's Run crossover.

When the pizza and the chocolate milk ran out I'm sure that cat would've licked his whiskers at the prospect.

“Mmmm. Full of vegan goodness!”

126 comments so far

  • On those special occasions when their Mummies allow them out at night, the nocturnal activities associated with a Herbiphobia Attack is used as an attractant for primary consumers like PorkyPynes too.

    Commenter
    Geronimo
    Location
    Yippee Yi Yo
    Date and time
    May 03, 2012, 7:00AM
    • Stand by for a heaping helping of that famous vegan sense-of-humour.

      Commenter
      stevo64
      Location
      Central Coast NSW
      Date and time
      May 03, 2012, 7:03AM
      • Sorry Stevo, in the face of withering, desperately unfunny diatribes from unhealthy middle-aged writers, we prefer smugness to humour.

        *sighs*

        As I sit here patting the head of Big Fido Style, the two of us admiring the unclogged bowels and winning complexion of the other, I chortle at the rampant insecurities of the meat-eater, as they inexorably - and willingly! - choof down on their cancer-causing enzymes, and try in vain to convince themselves that this is what they were "designed" to do.

        *rolls eyes*

        I'm heading into the back garden presently, to admire my roma tomatoes, King Edward tatties, running beans, snow peas et al, cultivating organically in the vege garden. Toodle-oo.

        *whips dressing gown theatrically around self and stalks off*

        Commenter
        Big Willie Style
        Date and time
        May 03, 2012, 7:48AM
      • @Big Willie Style - If it is unclogged bowels your after, you should try my Bordeaux-tarian diet. You can't get much more street cred with the enviromentalist ethical espresso set than actually pooping green.

        Hows breakfast everyone?

        Commenter
        Rastus
        Location
        Brisbane
        Date and time
        May 03, 2012, 8:21AM
      • "unclogged bowels" Big Willie Style

        I hope you aren't referring, other than in an ironic way, to the myth that meat eaters have "40 pounds of undigested meat in their bowels' the most specifc internet version involving John Wayne's autopsy? Hate to break it too you but people who consume high amounts of fibre are more likely to have large quatites of material in the bowel at any one time.

        Commenter
        Barnesm
        Location
        Melbourne, watching, waiting , prepared
        Date and time
        May 03, 2012, 9:31AM
      • I'm an ex-vegan for a bunch of reasons, but the one thing it really does do is streamline your digestive system. If you're an even vaguely health-conscious vegan the regular helpings of fibre really do wonders for your digestive system. I *never* felt ill or had stomach problems when I was vegan. This is probably what he's referring to.

        Commenter
        emage
        Date and time
        May 03, 2012, 10:08AM
      • @ BWS - it's not really about the food. It never was and it never will be.

        But you with your smugness, sighs, chortling, rolling eyes, use of the words 'presently' and 'Toodle-oo', and general dressing-gown theatrics are why we all hate vegans. Too many of you just plain suck as people.

        Thank goodness I'll die of cancer to escape the charade of lofty rightousness that pours out of your mouth like the stuff pouring out of a vegan cat's mushroom hole.

        Commenter
        TC
        Date and time
        May 03, 2012, 12:59PM
      • @ TC ...oh dude. So good. Haha. Hear, hear! Although I detected some fairly heavy irony there in BWS' post. That could just be my optimism though. Seriously though, I am not an insecure meat eater, as I am not threatened by vegans doin' their thing, even if that includes palpable smugness and self-congratulation.

        Commenter
        IrvingWashington
        Date and time
        May 03, 2012, 3:59PM
      • @TC 12.59pm

        Whoa! Let it all out, TC! Any more pent-up rage you need to expel, big guy? Not sure what I've done to make you "hate" me, although lashings of verbal dexterity looks to be the main reason. Mummy didn't hug you enough? Got picked on at school by marauding gangs of vegans? Here, eat this Portobello mushroom, it'll make you feel better.

        Commenter
        Big Willie Style
        Date and time
        May 03, 2012, 4:26PM
    • "to wrap bottles of water in different colored layers of cellophane because it focused the rainbow goodness of the sun into the old H2O" -seriously! Such people exist? I guess the Enlightenment was just something that happened to other societies.

      Presumably at the top, or bottom depending on your point of view of this hierarchy must be 'Inedias' and 'breatharians' who think human beings can survive on air alone. At least it gives the diehard vegans someone to look down on.

      Commenter
      Barnesm31
      Location
      Melbourne
      Date and time
      May 03, 2012, 7:20AM

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