I wish to announce today my intention to nominate for Liberal Party preselection against Bronwyn Bishop in the northern beaches seat of Mackellar.
But why, you ask, would a columnist for the green-left-nanny-state-anti-freedom-love-media who's not even in the Liberal Party want to nominate for a safe Liberal seat?
I've always wanted to ride in a helicopter. Duh.
Mostly, though, I believe that too many politicians today do not understand the Mackellar beachside lifestyle because they come from ... the western suburbs.
By that I mean all places west of a line running north from Mascot airport, up Southern Cross Drive, along Pitt Street in the city, up Military Road, over the Spit Bridge, up Pittwater road, out to Scotland Island and up to Lion Island.
We the people of the northern beaches have put up with Bronnie for far too long. She is, after all ... a Westie.
Bronnie grew up in Roseville. Her childhood girly-bro was the billionaire helicopter pilot Dick Smith. And now he's threatening to run as an independent against Bronnie if she hangs around.
Tony Abbott and Mike Baird have written references for a Liberal mate, Walter Villatora, who's looking to challenge Bronnie as well as some sort of payback for her switch to Malcolm Turnbull.
My grudge with Bronnie is more basic. She should have dumped Abbott much earlier because, too, is ... a Westie.
Abbott comes from Forestville. He has to drive to the beach. That means sand in the car. Quelle horreur.
At least Premier Baird comes from North Curly. He walks around in bare feet or designer thongs. He knows where to build a new public-private hospital, too – out in the western suburbs, at Frenchs Forest, near Abbott's house. That way all the sick people can stay up there and don't infect us near the beach.
Wait you say, what about saving Mona Vale Hospital?
I have a plan:
Health. Sell all the hospitals near the coast and use the proceeds to reduce the budget deficits. Negatively geared investors will only be allowed to build multimillion-dollar mansions with neutral colour schemes but given extra verve with bright throw rugs and cushions.
Education. Far too many prime sites on the northern beaches are occupied by low-achieving public schools. I will sell them. As a Liberal, I am all for choice as well. So let's allow private schools to buy the land to establish satellite campuses on the grounds of, say, Barrenjoey High School and Narrabeen Lakes Public. Why should any child be denied the right to do surfing as a sport just because their parents send them to western suburbs schools like Knox or Abbotsleigh?
Global warming. What tosh! This summer it was quite cool and relaxing under the pergola at the yacht club.
Coffee shops. Red tape and high taxes deter agile and innovative business people from opening new cafes. At last count Avalon Village had only 15 within 200 metres of the main intersection. If elected I will introduce legislation mandating minimum numbers of coffee shops in select beachside villages.
Suburb names. Only locales with the right vibe will be allowed to call themselves "villages". Manly Village and Cronulla Village? No way. Too many westies.
Public transport. L90 buses bring people into Mackellar from god knows where. They're wearing sandals and socks, ready to soil our golden sands. I will lobby to restrict L90s to one an hour and stop them at Brookvale so the "bus people" can shop at Warringah Mall instead.
Roads. Dedicated four-wheel-drive lanes on all major thoroughfares. No speed limits for BMWs or Audis. Harsh penalties for any mechanic who passes a 1997 Toyota Starlet for registration.
Border protection. Regular patrols at Terrey Hills to ensure only those cars with Pittwater parking stickers proceed east past Kimbriki tip. A toll of $10 for every non-Mackellar car on Bilgola Bends.
Leftie loons. Previous governments have allowed the likes of former Herald columnist Mike Carlton and Labor speechwriter Bob Ellis to infiltrate Avalon and Palm Beach respectively. Ellis even ran against Bronnie in 1994. He almost won! What disaster awaits should Dick Smith take on Bronnie this year and win? Will we have to eat his homegrown "Ozemite" instead of goose-liver pate with our mini-toasts? It's enough to drive you to drink – at 6pm, usual spot under the pergola, after a nice surf at Palmie.
Such is life …