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From pistols to pistons, the time is right to buy!

Political staffers don't have very easy lives. They work extremely hard for people who are at best demanding and at worst megalomaniacs. They hardly ever see their kids. And when their boss is demoted or chucked out by the electorate, or caught in flagrante delicto with a goat, they lose their jobs just like that. But at election time, they do tend to have the advantage of insider knowledge.

Now that you can pretty much place a wager on anything from Tony Abbott's end-of-campaign BMI to who gets the longest Labor launch ovation out of Hawke and Keating, there are smart bucks being made by apparatchiks with betting accounts. But why should they have all the fun? Changes of government bring - apart from hangovers and awkward climb-downs for all the people who insisted they would emigrate to New Zealand if Tony Abbott became prime minister - a huge rearrangement of national priorities.

Which, dear reader, means investment opportunities. And I'm about to cut you in on the deal. Here's my list of top tips for canny sharemarket flutters, in light of Election 2013:

Stationery This is a no-brainer. Thirty new ministers plus God-knows-how-many rearranged federal departments equals a ferocious and Canberra-centric spike in demand for new letterheads. Ambitious players may want to expand into the promising growth area of Bureaucratic Merchandising, which within weeks will see vast tottering piles of Climate Change Department golf umbrellas torched, to be replaced by Direct Action monogrammed shovels, with which carbon opportunists can earn handy pocket money by burying carbon pellets in their own backyards in return for direct federal subsidies. It's all upside, punters. Get into it. BUY.

Cycling brands A human mobile billboard for cycling-related merchandise has just been handed the keys to The Lodge. Was there ever a more opportune time to sink some resources into Lycra? BUY.

High-end baby gear Within a year, the government's paid parental leave scheme is scheduled to roar into life, allowing working parents to be valued appropriately for the work they do in the home.


Or, as one Rooty Hill audience member put it to Tony Abbott during the campaign: ''Taxing Mount Druitt forklift drivers so a pretty little lady lawyer on the north shore earning $180,000 a year can have a kid.''

This scheme is pretty much a direct fiscal stimulus to the neonatal sector. (Has anyone looked into the shadowy links between the Abbott campaign and Big Babyccino?)

Buy into anything that will benefit from a national fleet of cashed-up mums: Fuzzy Felt, prestige prams, seven-seater vehicles, sauvignon blanc, ballet flats, Mad Men boxed sets … use your imagination. BUY.

Ergonomic chairs A key theme of the Coalition campaign, in which crushingly dull Coalition advertisements featuring Joe Hockey and a PowerPoint display were enlivened only by the promise that an Abbott government would not spend $180,000 on studying ergonomic chairs. It's probably best to take them at their word. SELL.

Indonesian fishing vessels A unique investment opportunity. Move quickly; one senses it will not last. BUY.

Militaria, sporting and automotive memorabilia In view of the new Senate, where Tony Abbott will make headway only at the pleasure of two Palmer United Party senators, a car fancier, a surprised sporting buff, a gun-control opponent and sundry other random lucky-door-prize holders, it's reasonable to expect that successful legislation will need to be greased through the Senate with liberal applications of special-interest sauce. So anything to do with pistols or pistons is a BUY. But if you have holdings in alternative energy or Leadbeater's possum: SELL.

Copper wire About to get fashionable again. BUY.

Any business based in the Northern Territory These stocks experienced an unforeseen spike during Campaign 2013, when former PM Kevin Rudd surprised the nation (and the vast majority of his colleagues) with the announcement that the NT would get its own bargain-priced company tax rate. Now that the electorate has decided not to proceed with that plan, we restore these stocks to: SELL.

The world's poor These holdings looked like a canny buy in recent years, with both Australian major parties promising that foreign aid would increase to 0.5 per cent of GDP. But when, about 36 hours before election day, the Coalition decided to abandon that commitment in light of domestic priorities, it became clear that for the time being there will be no joy in this sector. Get the hell out of poverty now; you'll thank me for it later. SELL.

A final word on political stocks. Obviously, Tony Abbott - a pretty rough little start-up four years ago - can now be considered blue chip. I'd buy Turnbull, just in case. And on the Labor side, the introduction of a party ballot should see smart investors going long on Albo, and short on Shorten. Don't mention it.


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