The Reverend Nile, 78, is famous for being anti-choice, anti-gay and anti-Muslim immigration; and is the assistant president of the NSW State Legislative Council, where he represents the Christian Democrats. Not my cup of politea.

Nearly two years ago, his wife, Elaine, died of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. It was just six days from diagnosis until she died - and that must have been utterly horrifying. No time to get used to the idea that the two of you would have no further time.

Now, the Reverend Nile has announced that he will marry again; to Silvana Nero, a woman 23 years his junior. His children are furious.

In the Sun-Herald, the children of the Niles are quoted as saying they are "hurt and angry" at the speed with which their father has recovered from the grief of losing his wife.

''I have a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach,'' one of the children, who did not wish to be named, said. ''The family and extended family are not happy about this relationship, not least the idea of marriage and the closeness in passing of our mother.''

I know how they feel. When my sister died unexpectedly, my brother-in-law repartnered in less than a year. First, I was shocked, then extremely upset. Really, I wanted to kill him and also wanted to kill his new girlfriend. Or at least make their lives a misery.

How could he desecrate my sister's memory this way? Why wasn't he at the altar of bereavement, bending his head 10 times a day?

Oh, I lay awake in bed scheming for ways to embarrass and hurt the both of them. Maybe you don't lie in bed plotting; I commend it to you. You work through a lot of stuff without having to talk about it to anyone.

But I was wrong about wanting to kill them; and I was wrong to be critical of the speed of the new relationship. Here is why.

I met and moved in with my spouse in the space of about six weeks. My entire family was furious. What did I know about him? What could I possibly know about him in such a short time? How could we know our values were similar? And - AND - he was the wrong religion. Recipe for disaster, at least in the minds of those around me.

It didn't take all that long for my family to realise my new partner was actually nicer than me - so the whingeing was replaced with, "When are you getting married?"

It is, of course, more complicated for the Reverend Nile because his marriage to Elaine lasted 53 years; and they had four children. Even though these children are adults, Canberra psychologist John Corcoran says the issue is really about stepmothers.

"Children of any age have difficulty engaging with a new mother figure and I'm assuming the primary attachment would be with their biological mother and that would be threatening at any age," says Corcoran, who has been a practising psychologist for 20 years. "It's the depth of connection with their biological mother which makes it difficult."

In other words, the Nile children are mourning the loss of their mother, rather than recognising this new relationship may help their father get over his grief.

There isn't a right time or a wrong time to repartner after your spouse has died - and anyone who says otherwise is still dealing with their own struggles. The Nile children are the ones who need help; and not their father.

Grief can be incredibly complicated and those of us who grieve respond so differently. The little motto which says you have to get yourself together before you can find a new spouse ignores the idea that maybe the person you have found will help you get your life in order.

"Rebound relationships might be exactly what you need," says Corcoran. Because it's not a "rebound" relationship, it's just a relationship; and positive relationships can help you recover.

Relationships Australia relationship educator Ruth Taylor, who specialises in stepfamilies, says her advice to the Nile children would be to get them to recall what is really important to them.

"One of the things which might show up is that their relationship with their father is vital," she says.

Of course, they will be hurt and angry and many other feelings in between.

"But there is also something around their loyalty to their mother, thinking: 'how can he do this?'"

Taylor says in most families there will always be one or two kids who go with the flow and empathise. They'll say: I will support my dad, I need to just be more in the moment and let go of the past."

Might take some doing - not just for the Nile children but for all of us. And very good advice.

Twitter @jennaprice

or email jenna_p@bigpond.net.au