Comment

SATIRE
Save
Print
License article

Don't worry if you're struggling, a raffle will save you

Maybe we should stop seeing gambling as the crippling and destructive social problem it is and start seeing it as the only acceptable solution to all our ills!

Show comments

As everyone knows, we are definitely not in a housing bubble and prices will increase forever and ever and ever and ever and everyone will win. 

Even so, wage growth over the last decade has proved rather more stagnant than house prices - which have inflated rapidly almost like a dangerously unstable bubble WHICH IT IS NOT, OBVIOUSLY - meaning that houses are now available exclusively to people who already have them. 

Up Next

What locals love about Broadbeach

null
Video duration
01:24

More Domain Videos

Inner-city Sydney terrace to be raffled

'Yourtown' launches a draw worth $1,602,497 that includes an inner-city Sydney terrace.

Naturally a solution has been found that will fix everything: raffles. 

Domain reports there has been a dramatic uptick in people entering raffles where houses are the prize. For example, the RSL Art Prize made a cool $10 million from hopefuls buying up big on $5 raffle tickets to potentially win a $1,575,000 place in Camperdown. Fellow predatory investors, take note: maybe the raffle bubble is our next big thing?

Half of the raffle purchasers were between 33 and 53, according to the report, presumably because they realised that a one in two million chance was significantly better odds than were otherwise available for getting a foot on the Sydney property ladder.

And while it does seem a little cruel to essentially make people pay a levy on their desire for shelter, there's something poetic about making home ownership a literal lottery rather than merely a metaphorical one. 

Advertisement

But why stop there? Sure, gambling can unflatteringly and accurately be seen as a dire social ill that preys on the poor and desperate run by a cabal of unscrupulous operators callously and deliberately targeting children by forging an early association between professional sport and gambling apps - but on the other hand, shut up.

Clearly this house-raffle game is a model that can be applied to pretty much everything we could fix through legislative means and carefully crafted policy, but can't actually be arsed doing. 

So let's start doling out $5 tickets for…

Welfare!

The government was recently stymied by notorious socialists like the Nick Xenophon Team and One Nation from forcing through a raft of cuts to unemployment benefits and other welfare payments. But maybe we can fulfil the dream of Social Services Minister Christian Porter and finally turn welfare into the profit centre that Australia's taxpayers deserve, until we then immediately privatise it.

Let's stop giving handouts and encourage a more excitingly hands-on form of welfare by encouraging our unemployed swap their below-poverty-line stipend for the possibility of walking away with literally thousands of dollars, plus the opportunity to get a Sunday casual no-penalty-rate job with a cafe near a frontbencher's house?

And sure, there are those who might say "but isn't giving people a small amount of money to live the whole idea, as part of the social contract of our nation?" but those people are obviously Marxists. What, you want to disincentivise aspiration?

Also, this latte is lukewarm. I'm not paying for this. 

Life saving surgery!

Medicare is cumbersome and expensive - and, as many a conservative commentator has asked, why should they pay fractions of fractions of fractions of cents for emergency death-defying medical interventions they might not even use? 

Given the high drama inherent to this life-or-death struggle, maybe this is a competition that would be better presented as a reality show - working title Who Wants To Be Able To Filter Waste Products From Their Blood? - with contestants given a series of zany challenges until one of them is selected by audience vote to receive a kidney transplant.

It'd basically be It's A Knockout, only with about 15 per cent more urea. 

Determining the status of endangered species!

Once upon a time we decided what species were at risk of extinction through stupid methods like getting so-called "scientists" with "experience" and "knowledge about the species being investigated" to do time consuming and boring stuff like checking if there were any left and if so, counting how many there were. Yawn!

A far better way would be to put all the names of the species we might want to not wipe off the face of the Earth in a hat - a nice hardhat, maybe, from a helpful and generous logger - and letting a respected community member like Barnaby Joyce pull them out. After all, we could absolutely trust him not to quietly tear the the paper up if it said, just for example, "Leadbeaters Possum", right?

The best part is we'd also be improving the quality of evolution by giving a key survival advantage to species that are intrinsically lucky. You're welcome, natural selection!

Civil marriage rights!

While the extension of marriage rights to Australian citizens is technically the exclusive responsibility of the Australian parliament, it would be more fun to decide it - or, if the result is unpalatable to the political party in power, to not decide it - by making it a competition where people choose to rule on the rights of their fellow citizens by filling in a ballot saying whether they the agreed to continue clear and unjustifiable discrimination or not, and posting it to the government. 

Actually, no. That last one is too cumbersome, deliberately opaque and downright ridiculous to even consid… wait, what? 

The latest edition of The Double Disillusionists podcast is out now through iTunes and Omny, with Andrew P Street, Dom Knight and special guest Mark Humphries (SBS's The Feed). Tickets are now available for the Double Disillusionists live at Giant Dwarf on Tuesday 4 April with guests The Chaser's Chris Taylor and Sydney Morning Herald's Jacqueline Maley.

0 comments