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With respect ... Meh, here's a few of Adam Zwar's pet hates

Date

Adam Zwar

My hopes for this year are nothing special - play more golf, lose weight and never again hear the word ''sweet'' in response to something I've said. Not everything is ''sweet''. And nothing is ''sweet as''.

And while I'm complaining, don't call me ''dude''. I answer to ''mate'', sometimes ''buddy'', but never ''dude''. I'm not a ''dude''. And neither is your wife. Who calls their wife ''dude''? Lots of people, it turns out.

You're right if you think I've got ''issues''. But I'd rather you called them problems. And no, I'm not ''done''. Here are the words and phrases I'd like banned for 2014:

With respect … The worst of the platitudes. Not only does it not soften the message, it warns the listener to prepare for something disrespectful.

Just sayin' I know, you just said it.

Epic Are you sure you know what the word ''epic'' means?

It's all good Well how come I'm not convinced?

No offence, but … Too late. I'm offended.

I'm not going to lie to you Why would I think you'd lie to me?

And then there's ''literally''. As in, ''I literally worked my arse off.'' An interventionist god would make that literally come true.

And when I go back to work, I don't want to get ''super-excited'' about anything. I'm happy to contact people, but I don't want to ''reach out'', have ''meaningful dialogue'' and ''build relationships''. I also don't want to ''touch base'', ''prioritise'' or ''maximise'', present people with ''solutions'' or even worse, ''deliverables''. And I'll never respond to a request by saying ''too easy''. ''Too easy'' sounds dangerous. I don't want to end up in hospital for attempting something ''too easy'', particularly after literally working my arse off.

If you're inconvenienced by something I'm doing, don't say ''could you not …'' - as in ''could you not use my coffee mug?'' If you simply let me know it's your mug and you'd like to use it, you'll find I'm quite obedient.

But I'm not so obedient that I'll put up with such bossy phrases as:

Don't go there Sorry, too late.

Gotta love it No I don't.

Have a nice day Don't tell me what to do.

And I don't think gentiles should be able to say ''meh''. It sounds rubbish when we say it and worse when we write it. Similarly, I don't think anyone should be able to say, ''My mum loves your show.'' Thanks for trying but it just means you hate it and you're attempting to be nice.

I know a lot of people will think this piece is just another example of ''First World problems''. And I agree. But it's best never to say ''First World problems''. Or worse, #firstworldproblems. It's as funny as #fail. There, I said it. Actually, don't say that either. Now I've gone on record as saying these words and phrases should be banned, I've got to work out how I'm going to communicate over the next year. 'Til then - ''Ciao'', ''Hugs'', ''Typos Sent from My iPhone''.

Adam Zwar is a co-creator of Lowdown and Wilfred and writer-producer of ABC 1's Agony series.

54 comments

  • Whatever.

    Commenter
    Mike
    Location
    Matraville
    Date and time
    December 31, 2013, 8:24PM
    • Read your epic piece - mate, it's all good.
      Now look, I'm not going to lie to you; no offence, I am just saying here, with respect, that literally I was super excited on reading your epistle.
      I was so touched that I wanted to reach out to you - and have a meaningful dialogue; we can build a relationship. At least, just touch base - we should prioritise this.
      If we maximise our contact, I am sure we can find all kinds of solutions - Adam it is just too easy. Mate, ya gotta love it.
      Have a nice day - we all work to be more mensch and less schmuck.

      Commenter
      Howe Synnott
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      January 01, 2014, 12:07PM
    • Look, I don't want to give this an Abbott twist, but I am totally over "Umms"and "aahhs". Its dead painful. Either the person is dim, or is taking extra care not to let the truth slip out.

      Also over tradesmen telling me "She'll be sweet" as if my clogged sewer was something I ate.

      Also over footballers taking immediately after the game has finished. Huffing and puffing, they string together a string of empties like "we took it to them" but "fell away" in the second half and we "couldn't recover the lost ground". Trying to make a miserable loss into a triumph over adversity.

      Also "confected outrage". Favorite phrase of conservatives to explain why Abbott is unpopular, meaning "youse are all just making it up". or "what planet are you on?"

      Commenter
      Axis
      Date and time
      January 01, 2014, 3:15PM
    • Mike wins the internet today (lol).

      Commenter
      lejuan
      Location
      Canberra
      Date and time
      January 01, 2014, 4:33PM
  • I don't like word "dudes" either because it's all Americanization. Hang on, with respect isn't "Wifred" had Americanized?

    Just sayin' so you know that 'Wilfred' was an epic show. It's all good that you still take credit out of it. No offence, but Americanization?

    I'm not going to lie to you, I think it's a wrong decision for them not buying the Australia version and please don't go there about the Australian version don't meet American cultureI

    I gotta love how ignorant they are with their taste of humor and TV.

    Anyway got to dash to see the firework and have a nice day and a very happy new year!!

    Commenter
    Gerson
    Location
    Sydney
    Date and time
    December 31, 2013, 10:38PM
    • It's actually 'Americanised'!

      Commenter
      AB
      Date and time
      January 01, 2014, 6:54AM
    • Haha @AB, well spotted!

      Commenter
      Carmel
      Date and time
      January 01, 2014, 11:26AM
    • @AB - no it isn't! It can be both! I checked Oxford English dictionary!

      Commenter
      Gerson
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      January 01, 2014, 1:43PM
    • It's actually 'humour'.

      Commenter
      lejuan
      Location
      Canberra
      Date and time
      January 01, 2014, 4:34PM
    • @lejuan - you're absolutely right! It is!

      Commenter
      Gerson
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      January 01, 2014, 5:06PM

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