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With respect ... Meh, here's a few of Adam Zwar's pet hates

My hopes for this year are nothing special - play more golf, lose weight and never again hear the word ''sweet'' in response to something I've said. Not everything is ''sweet''. And nothing is ''sweet as''.

And while I'm complaining, don't call me ''dude''. I answer to ''mate'', sometimes ''buddy'', but never ''dude''. I'm not a ''dude''. And neither is your wife. Who calls their wife ''dude''? Lots of people, it turns out.

You're right if you think I've got ''issues''. But I'd rather you called them problems. And no, I'm not ''done''. Here are the words and phrases I'd like banned for 2014:

With respect … The worst of the platitudes. Not only does it not soften the message, it warns the listener to prepare for something disrespectful.

Just sayin' I know, you just said it.

Epic Are you sure you know what the word ''epic'' means?


It's all good Well how come I'm not convinced?

No offence, but … Too late. I'm offended.

I'm not going to lie to you Why would I think you'd lie to me?

And then there's ''literally''. As in, ''I literally worked my arse off.'' An interventionist god would make that literally come true.

And when I go back to work, I don't want to get ''super-excited'' about anything. I'm happy to contact people, but I don't want to ''reach out'', have ''meaningful dialogue'' and ''build relationships''. I also don't want to ''touch base'', ''prioritise'' or ''maximise'', present people with ''solutions'' or even worse, ''deliverables''. And I'll never respond to a request by saying ''too easy''. ''Too easy'' sounds dangerous. I don't want to end up in hospital for attempting something ''too easy'', particularly after literally working my arse off.

If you're inconvenienced by something I'm doing, don't say ''could you not …'' - as in ''could you not use my coffee mug?'' If you simply let me know it's your mug and you'd like to use it, you'll find I'm quite obedient.

But I'm not so obedient that I'll put up with such bossy phrases as:

Don't go there Sorry, too late.

Gotta love it No I don't.

Have a nice day Don't tell me what to do.

And I don't think gentiles should be able to say ''meh''. It sounds rubbish when we say it and worse when we write it. Similarly, I don't think anyone should be able to say, ''My mum loves your show.'' Thanks for trying but it just means you hate it and you're attempting to be nice.

I know a lot of people will think this piece is just another example of ''First World problems''. And I agree. But it's best never to say ''First World problems''. Or worse, #firstworldproblems. It's as funny as #fail. There, I said it. Actually, don't say that either. Now I've gone on record as saying these words and phrases should be banned, I've got to work out how I'm going to communicate over the next year. 'Til then - ''Ciao'', ''Hugs'', ''Typos Sent from My iPhone''.

Adam Zwar is a co-creator of Lowdown and Wilfred and writer-producer of ABC 1's Agony series.


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