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The 'cult' of the Apple Store

Date

Xavier Toby

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Is it an Apple Store or the queue to get John Farnham comeback tour tickets?

Is it an Apple Store or the queue to get John Farnham comeback tour tickets?

Inside every Apple Store there's really only ever four things for sale. iPhone, iPod, iPad or Macbook. Which you can get at about a hundred different stores. In the same shopping centre. For exactly the same price.

There's also the staff in that same shirt with hipster flourishes like over-styled hair, subtle tattoos and designer glasses who, if they didn't work for Apple, would be selling Foxtel subscriptions, or raffle tickets.

Then up the back are the 'geniuses'. When they're not at work, we all know they're shooting at each other and designing farms and chatting up hot girls. Virtually.

At the register there's always that one hot girl in black-rimmed glasses. The nerds are too scared to talk to her and she's already knocked back all the sales guys since she's dating the assistant manager.

The Apple Store is like a really smug cult.

Whenever a new Apple Store opens people still line up overnight just to be the first in there. It's not like they're selling anything worth lining up for. Such as tickets to the Grand Final. Or a Kylie concert. Or another John Farnham comeback tour. Come on, who wouldn't gladly go another round of 'Whispering Jack'?

But despite a company that's got about $76 billion in cash, you'd think their i-thingy's would be waterproof.

Every iPhone can still be destroyed by something that's so abundant that it falls from the sky, and we've got it on tap. It's like having a flying car that melts when it rains.

So many people I know have ruined an iPhone by spilling something on it. Which we all know is code for, "I dropped it in the toilet". What a person chooses to do next, I believe is one of the greatest dilemmas facing society today.

There's poo in that toilet. And a phone. And what if it still works? It's going to cost hundreds for a new one. How much would it take for a person to potentially touch their own excrement?

Everyone has a number, and it's often a very different number. Finding out is a great party game. Play it at your next dinner party, just make sure until everyone has finished eating.

If it were me, I'd be straight in there. No hesitation, I'd be immediately into that toilet for that phone. Doesn't even have to be my phone. Or my poo.

So I took my poo phone into the Apple Store and the genius up the back told me, "This phone has been water damaged."

I replied, "Hey genius, I'm not here because it's working. Can you fix it?"

He told me it'd be cheaper to get a new one.

So I told him about the time I had sex with a real girl and his head exploded. It was filled with green Skittles, which was a surprise. I thought it would've been filled with loneliness and disappointment.

OK, that didn't happen.

What I did do was go up to the three fat corporate customers staring at iPhone 5's and announced, "The battery life on these is shit. Also, still not waterproof. Watch as I demonstrate."

After tipping water over all three, I now know what it's like to be thrown out of an Apple Store. It took seven of those nerds to get me out of there.

And the hot girl at the register? I totally got her phone number. Well I would've if my phone wasn't "water damaged".  And the court hadn't ordered me to stay 20 metres from every Apple Store.

Alright, none of that happened either.

What did happen was that I left quietly, and then bought a secondhand iPhone 3 on ebay.

A week later, the hipster making my coffee noticed it and exclaimed, "Is that an iPhone 3? More like third world."

After he finished laughing at himself, he continued.

"Do you go home and plug it into your Commodore 64 to recharge? Download all your music onto a tape? I've got a cassette tape cover for my iPhone 5. Ironically."

He pointed me out to his over-tattooed co-workers and added, "I bet you still even make calls on landline. Or a payphone. Do they even still exist?"

So I paid for my one black coffee with a credit card, and a signature. Which made his head explode. It was filled with music that nobody could understand, from bands that never existed, played on instruments that hadn't been invented yet.

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian. Follow him (@xaviertoby) on Twitter or find him on Facebook.

10 comments

  • Apple were the best as far as security went ,with their os being virtually hacker proof.But then they complied ,and became compatible with Windows and lost their advantage.Some people are still living in the past ,Isuspect,not even realizing what made Apple better in the first place,thinking cultishly ,as you see,,and being like a herd of followers of fashion prideTechno snobs.

    Commenter
    Lane
    Date and time
    July 10, 2013, 9:27AM
    • Your comment is as absurd as the article. In what way have they become "...compatible with Windows"?

      Commenter
      The Other Guy
      Location
      Geelong
      Date and time
      July 10, 2013, 10:43AM
    • No Lane. Blackberry have been the leader in security!

      Commenter
      Phil
      Location
      Albury
      Date and time
      July 10, 2013, 10:50AM
    • Are you serious?

      There was simply no effort to reward in hacking a niche operating system when all big business globally uses windows.

      Commenter
      JimP
      Date and time
      July 10, 2013, 10:55AM
    • I guess humans just have a strong urge to be "followers". And in a vacuous world filled with meaningless tripe, Apple is as good a deity as any other.

      Commenter
      sarajane
      Location
      melbourne
      Date and time
      July 10, 2013, 11:26AM
    • LOL. Apple OS Hackerproof? LOL . http://www.computerworld.com/s/article/9129978/Researcher_cracks_Mac_in_10_seconds_at_PWN2OWN_wins_5k

      Commenter
      PWN2OWN
      Date and time
      July 10, 2013, 11:43AM
    • You,have,way,too,many,comma's,and,no,spaces,between,them,and,the,next,word. Apple's decent security for iOS comes from them vetting software not compatibility with other operating systems, and besides they have been compatible with Windows since release...

      Commenter
      John
      Location
      Melbourne
      Date and time
      July 10, 2013, 11:47AM
    • Perhaps some just accidental-prone- Toby should take care when having shower.

      For JimP, please have a look of videos of large multinational corp (eg GE) using iPad-iPhone.

      http://www.apple.com/ipad/business/profiles/ge/#video-ge

      Commenter
      JJ
      Location
      Hornsby
      Date and time
      July 10, 2013, 11:48AM
    • When >99% of the worlds computers ran Windows, why would hackers target the 1%.... that's right, they didn't. Now Apple have ~5% share they get a portion of the love and they fail hard (just google mac hacked in under 30 minutes). And what on earth do you mean 'compatible' with Windows? You know how mac users still make their computer compatible with decent third party software? By bootcamping Windows... so now you are left with an ugly, heavily overpriced and underperforming pc, nice! But hey, it's white and matches my fridge, plus it makes me feel like i fit in at starbucks as i sip down my expensive latte.

      Great article btw.

      Commenter
      Trish
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      July 10, 2013, 11:59AM
    • Hacker proof HAHAHAHAHAHA!! It comes down to effort, why hack an OS with <9% market share when you have another with 90% market share I wonder?

      Commenter
      SonOfDad
      Date and time
      July 10, 2013, 12:00PM
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