What if Ygritte and Joffrey were locked in a room?
Game of Thrones star Rose Leslie answers our little hypothetical and discusses the not so private closed set in the cave scene.PT4M45S http://www.canberratimes.com.au/action/externalEmbeddedPlayer?id=d-33hje 620 349 February 26, 2014
They've been teasing us with five-second promos and making us salivate over photo galleries, so I can't have been the only Game of Thrones tragic to have become slightly cynical that anything too meaty about season four would come out before that magic starting date of April 7.
But then producers released a 14-and-a-half minute long behind-the-scenes mini-documentary (see above) and I got so excited I may have had to change my trousers.
With everyone still traumatised by the Red Wedding, producers need to change things up. Be Prepared.
For this doco, my fellow Throners, tells us 10 key things about season four.
Once again, this article is coming from the point of view of those discovering the story through the TV series. Yes, those of you who've read Mr Martin's works are Very Clever And Important and Much Better Than The Rest of Us. But now's the time to keep schtum, as we indulge in some uber-geeky speculatory fun.
1. Tyrion and Jaime are reunited!
They become besties again! Bros before hos! They can dance if they want to! They can leave their friends behind!
Forgive the overuse of explanation marks but seeing Peter Dinklage and Nicolai Coster-Waldau waste time and probably thousands of dollars by dancing in the Great Hall made my year, if not my actual life. Hilarious bloopers aside, I'm excited about the re-pairing of these two, particularly as Tyrion faces imprisonment and public humiliation for reasons that are still not clear. It will be nice to have Jaime lend him a hand (ouch).
Meanwhile, what's going on with Jaime's hair? The short back and sides is very now, but it's lost its luscious blondness. I suppose that's all a part of growing wiser, losing that boyish look. As actor Sophie Turner (Sansa) said of Jaime in the doco – "he's complex". Hopefully he stops with the whole twin-cest business with Cersei and gives us reason to revere him almost as much as his bro.
2. Dorne is definitely the Spain of the series.
Prince Oberon Martell has a sexy Iberian accent, with a pec-revealing orange coat to match. Actor Pedro Pascal described the character as "passionate" just as he was seen embracing his missus, so the trope of steamy Latin lover seems to work. I had been calling him Errol Flynn, but with this new information perhaps Antonio Banderas would be more appropriate. I'm happy to take feedback on that one.
His reason for being – aside from making sweet love to his lady – seems to be vengeance. We know that Rhaegar Targaryen, Daenerys' eldest brother, was married to a princess of Dorne, and she and their children were all slaughtered when Robert Baratheon took King's Landing. Flynn/Banderas (yep, we need to settle this one) is no doubt related to that princess, and hates the Lannisters because it was on Tywin's orders that they were murdered. But why seek revenge now? It's been like, 18 years, dude. He must've been a little tyke at the time, and had some training and sweet loving to do first.
3. Brienne has a Mike Tyson moment.
This was probably the biggest verbal spoiler of the doco – actor Gwendoline Christie revealed the weirdest thing she'd had to do was bite someone's ear off and spit it in their face. Given that there was a shot of her in what could loosely be described as a "skirt", as well as a shot of Jaime revealing a new suit of armour to her, we can only hope that she starts as a prisoner made to be girly, then revolts back into the BAMF we know and love her to be.
4. Jon Snow remains unable to get his shirt off.
If you've seen the trailers for Kit Harrington's upcoming popcorn blockbuster Pompeii, you'll know he has a six pack that could cut diamonds. And yet, he remains stuck at the Wall, where exposed skin is either frostbitten within four seconds or chewed off by White Walkers. This means Kit's Bits remain frustratingly concealed under 17 layers of animal hide. Yes, there was a bunch of clues about his role with the Night's Watch increasing in importance, and Sam growing the Tarlys to challenge him, but still - let's hope he meets Ygritte in another warm cave sometime soon.
5. Joffrey has to die a horrible, horrible, spiky death.
I insist it be spiky. Swords, daggers, pikes, sharpened sticks, nails, thorns, toothpicks, whatever - as long as there are many holes poked into his stupid meat sack of a body, I'll be happy. No doubt Kate Middleton will be too, although it'll be amazing if she makes it through their epic wedding without collapsing under the sheer weight of her enormous hairdo.
"Joffrey's a wee prick," said Rory McCann, aka The Hound. Never a truer word spoken, and particularly good in a Scottish accent. But points to actor Jack Gleeson who said it was "nice to make people hate you". He honestly seems like such a sweet young man in real life, and it's actually sad to think he will leave the series at some point. But still – Joffrey's horrible spiky death is required.
6. The North Remembers.
Oh Arya, you little gem. I hope you personally stab Roose Bolton in the gonads. According to Maisie Williams, the Starks are making a stand. Just don't stand up too tall, I don't want any more of you getting your blocks knocked off.
7. There will be blood.
The mini-doco addressed the now-established custom of having an Epic Event in episode nine of each series. With everyone still traumatised by the Red Wedding (may the Seven and the Old Gods watch over them), producers need to change things up. So there were many pointed comments about how this season would contain more fights, battles, confrontations and conflagrations, and they could occur at any time. Be Prepared.
8. Dany's winning streak may come to an end.
She's having trouble controlling the cities she's conquered, and having trouble controlling her growing dragons. Could this be the series where Dany is no longer the champion of the world?
9.Many characters were not included in the mini-doco. Why?
You can't put everyone in a 14-and-a-half-minute promo, of course. The narrative is more sprawling than a drunk bounced out of a nightclub. But there was only a fleeting glimpse of Stannis and Davos, of Littlefinger and Theon Greyjoy, of Slow Lorus and Olenna Tyrell. I watched the doco a few times and couldn't see Kate Bush or Lord Varys or Shae or Gilly or Osha or Gendry or Beric Dondarrion or Walder Frey (hiss! boo!).
Does this mean they will feature less, or perhaps they have really juicy storylines that producers want to keep as surprises? The answer is probably a combination of the two; the intrigue in which ones slide back and which ones come to prominence.
10. Hodor is the best. The best.
Asked about his most "bad ass" quote so far, actor Kristian Nairn replied: "Hmmm, well there was that scene where he said 'Hodor'."
That was exactly what we all wanted him to say, and exactly what we all think. Hodor is the greatest.
Nairn also revealed that his nude scene back in Series One was made with the assistance of prosthetics. I'm still working out how to respond to that in words, but I imagine something along the lines of "Hodor?!?!?" will be appropriate.
And now it's back to the countdown to April 7. In the meantime, to console myself, I might go and watch Kit Harrington in that Pompeii movie trailer again.