"Should we get joint bank accounts ... should get married?"
Well that was a let down. I don't want to be overly dramatic, but that was quite possibly the worst proposal ever.
Nina's straight fantasies are faultless, it's her lesbian ones that need work.
Actually what's the point of writing a recap if I can't be overly dramatic: That was the most average, anti-climactic, unromantic proposal ever. EVER.
"There are pictures of happy couples on your website".
I'm not even sure we can call it a proposal. It was more of a potential offering of maybe, sort of, committing to marriage, if you want to, maybe.
And as if to rub salt on the wound, what do we see after this limp offering but next week's promo, which frankly looks like the show is planning on ripping out my heart, stomping on it, and then giving it to Geraldine to douse in alcohol and set on fire.
Really Offspring makers, really? This is what I get for my continued devotion?
That's how you do it.
Thank God for the eye candy, otherwise I'd have to go off and find a new torturer. And what eye candy it was! There were crotch shots, bare chest shots and not one, but two, bear skin shots. I tell you, it was enough to give a woman a ladyboner.
Nina was certainly in the mood. With Patrick all McBroody about his sister's abusive ex being back in town, Nina was left to her own devices, which is always dangerous. Her thoughts soon started to stray, and she began to fantasise about another man giving her what Patrick can't; namely understanding and communication.
Her cutie therapist finally stepped up into a starring role and wow, can he turn it on! He was all smouldering smiles and reassuring phrases. "I saw a warm-hearted attempt at trying to lighten the mood, clearly coming from a place of kindness and consideration," which was even better than him lounging around half naked in a bear skin. Let's face it, we all sometimes need a fantasy therapist to put a positive spin on our mistakes.
The devastation and humiliation never ends for Billie.
Unfortunately, the fantasy was just that and in real life he took it a step too far and encouraged Nina to verbalise her worst thoughts, in which she reluctantly owned up to thinking “that we're just not suited, no matter how much we love each other. I have to talk, he has to shut down, it's always going to be difficult. We try and pretend that that's not the truth because of this pregnancy”.
What she doesn't realise is that she's pretty much describing every relationship, not just hers (#amiright?). But unlike Billie, who never shies from the cold hard truth, Nina doesn't like to dwell on the negative, so this revelation soon had her running for the exits.
So, now she has no Patrick and no fantasy cutie therapist (apparently his name is Lawrence, but whatever).
Oh you shouldn't have. No really, you shouldn't have.
Just when I thought the ladyboners had left the building, we get to Billie, who is drowning in a veritable sea of (online) ladyboners.
Billie, Billie, Billie. Did you do something to piss off the writers? Because you are having one heck of a lousy season. I think we have had only one episode where she didn't break down into a puddle of tears, and I miss that episode. Like, a lot.
I really wish we got to enjoy more of Working Girl/girl power Billie before her life turned to crap again. I'm also seriously starting to wonder if Kat Stewart has a clause in her contract that stipulates she gets paid extra every time she cries (if she doesn't, she should).
Billie's woes are really starting to add up. At the beginning of the season, fertility issues were the main driver of her upset, but that has since taken a back seat as her career has hit the skids. To make it worse, this has happened just when her husband Mick is finally hitting the big time, with big lusty fans to boot.
Normally this would be a good thing and is the very example of the benefit of partnership; if one fails while the other succeeds, you both get supported through the good and bad times.
Of course this theory doesn't really work if you are a high achiever with narcissistic tendencies. Then it's less a great example of survival in modern society and more of an existential nightmare. Or as Billie put it: “I'm an almost middle-aged real estate failure and you're the Justin Bieber of urban Melbourne.” (See what I mean about not mincing words?) At least she has the sense - and emotional honesty - to feel guilty about it.
And fair play to Billie, she isn't sitting at home wallowing. Well not too much anyway. Instead she is hitting the pavement to try and find a new job. She's willing to take anything to be employed again, even a weekend job that is not only a demotion, but also promises awful hours and even worse abuse. (Tip: if an employer says your job will require security, yet they won't give you any, don't take the job. Well, not unless your partner is six foot six and built like a Mack truck.)
Thankfully, she didn't take that job. Alas, it wasn't because she rediscovered her self respect, but because her employer was a little too eager to sing Mick's praises - and one of his songs.
Yes, poor Billie. Once upon a time she was worried about Mick's close proximity to soulful songstress Rosanna. Now, she has a legion of horny “digital women” to contend with. The kind who devote whole web pages to photos of his crotch, with varying degrees of “dick dent” (yes, really), and say things like “I'm gonna get me some ginger stubble rush”. (Loved Nina's disgusted response to that: “Oh, with his pubes!”)
Speaking of close encounters of the unwanted kind, Patrick finally met up with Dean and then Dean met Isabella. It was scary, and sad, and is making me a little apprehensive about where this storyline is going. Any thoughts? I feel sorry for everyone, including poor Lycra guy (whose name it turns out is Joseph).
Yes please (best bits)
Geraldine's response to Mick's fans: “In my day if you liked a musician, you just went backstage and slept with him.” Naturally. It seems logical when she puts it like that. Garry Macdonald didn't have much to work with this episode - certainly nothing like last week's high (see what I did there) - but his bemused expression and response of “that wasn't my experience” was a highlight for me.
Kim often gets left with delivering wisecracks, which she does very well, and I loved the “crack the sads” expression, but I liked her locker room conversation with Eloise even better. She actually had a real connection with another character and was both sweet and still very funny. "I might be loud but I'm also discreet, I'm a fascinating contradiction" and "you don't have a stick up your arse, you're just professional with good posture". More of that please. And I like that Eloise is turning into an awkward nerd which is a step up from being just plain awkward.
Of course the best bit of all was hands down Patrick in a bear skin (of course). “That's how you do it”, says Nina, and to that we say: yes it is. Nina's straight fantasies are faultless, it's her lesbian ones that need work.
Oh please (I'm calling bs on that)
Do pregnant women really run in heels? Nina has been seen running in nearly every episode this season and is giving no sign of exchanging the heeled boots for flats despite her advancing pregnancy. I just know that when I was Nina's size, if I wore heels I could guarantee crippling back pain later that night, but maybe that was just me.
This section is often used to call out the lack of professionalism at the hospital but this week Nina confronted Kim, telling her she was unprofessional and should apologise. And Kim did. Well, how about that?
Oh no, please god, no (the awkward files)
Nina's encounters with her therapist could easily fill up this section (or maybe it belongs in BS?) but instead I'm giving the honours to Billie. The moment when she overheard a couple of Mick's lusty fans picking apart her appearance was awful, made even worse by her silent acknowledgement. Billie obviously isn't herself because under normal circumstances I would expect her to kick them in the shins with her stylish and unaffordable boots, or at the very least stand out the front of their houses in a creepy yet intimidating fashion like she did last week to the magazine journalist.
But that was the old Billie; the new Billie - a sadder more beaten version - just stares at the stage and cries. I can only hope those tears are made of acid and she is collecting them in jars to throw at the various online lustmongers. I imagine it has the same effect as holy water on vampires. (Fingers crossed that's one of the shocks promised next week).
Something that should have been in best bits has sadly ended up here, and I'm talking about Patrick's proposal. What a fizzer that turned out to be. Nina's response was to awkwardly reach out to him like they were two mates who finally shared some feelings. Someone on Twitter said that Nina deserves better and I have to agree (and so do we!).
Billie cheating on Mick? Nina's baby in trouble? Noooooooooooo. Can it really be as bad as the promo suggests?
Stock up on tissues, it looks like we'll need them.