There's a new vamp in town: meet James.
Three words: SPARKLY FAIRY VAMPIRE SEX!
Sorry, that was four words. I just got a bit flushed there.
For me, that was the best episode yet of Season Six. With an undercurrent of facing facts, it was all daring escapes, a tragic death, a euphoric decapitation and Sookie getting some nookie.
Sookie, as always, is in the company of supernatural men.
So let's strip off the pink undies and get down to this week's Fangs A Lot True Blood recap.
Episode 6: Don't You Feel Me
Let's get the duller stuff out of the way first. Build up to a climax, if you will (hurr, hurr).
James and Jess enter the vampire copulation chamber.
After being informed of Emma's tears and confusion, Sam decides to hand her over to her grandma, who's actually a wolf, which will make reading Little Red Riding Hood quite the head trip.
Terminator Dad tipped Alcide off to Sam and LA Hipster chick's whereabouts, presumably in between some finger-lickin-good action with that nudie wolfie prostie. Alcide confronts Sam and LA Hipster chick, saying they had no right to give Emma to grandma, who's now left the pack proper.
The ferocious pack leader - who sadly remained clothed this episode - goes all fury-eyed, only to remember that time when he and Sam were friends. Terminator Dad had a telling line too: “What's good for the pack isn't always good for the wolf”. It's clear being pack leader is about as good for Alcide's health as rabies.
So Alcide lets Sam go, with a blunt warning: “Show up anywhere the pack can sniff you out, and I won't be there to protect you”. Guess Merlotte's will need a new manager.
Tell you who that won't be - TERRY EFFING BELLEFLEUR. While I do feel like this suicide thing was somewhat crammed in, that doesn't stop me feeling terribly sad. I've mentioned before how much Terry was the only genuinely decent person in the whole show, despite his war crimes in Iraq.
When Holly suggested to Arlene that they just get a vampire to glamour his troubles away, I had the same “Oh DUR!” reaction as she did. It worked so well ... too well. They glamoured away Terry's memory of hiring an old army buddy to shoot him. And so his chipper attitude didn't last long before he was gunned down outside the bins at Merlotte's. His final moments, with Arlene cradling his head and singing to him, were genuinely touching.
So if Terry has died - truly died, and won't come back as a zombie, ghost or some other supe we're yet to meet - then we are left with the contents of his secret safety deposit box, the key of which he gave to Lafayette. Cue: Revelations.
Over at Vamp Camp, Eric and Pam cleverly get around their fight-to-the-death set-up by lunging at the room's secret doors and brutally murdering the hidden snipers. Pam's snarl through the two-way mirror was especially delicious. No wonder that shrink has a thing for her. And Eric peering through the glass and saying “I see you Steve Newlin” was not good news for Steve Newlin.
Governor Walter White (aka Truman something or other) is still mighty pissed at Eric for turning his daughter Willa. So he brings in Nora to be dosed up with a new vampire eradication medicine and die in front of him. But Eric has other ideas.
Willa has pleaded with her father to be let out of solitary confinement, despite his fears for her safety. The governor mentions a few times this episode about wanting to “change her back”, which can only mean there's some other research out there being done. Still, he lets her into the general area with Tara, who's able to explain that the sick feeling in her stomach is not vampire gastro, but Eric calling her.
Willa glamours a guard and helps Eric and Nora escape in plain sight. Poor Nora is suffering, but Eric takes the opportunity to become ARMY JOCK ERIC! and sneak in on production of Tru Blood. It's being mass marketed again, discounted, to help “ease” the crisis. But Eric sees them pumping the evil juice into every bottle - they're going to wipe the vampires out. Of course I'm not sure how this will solve the problem, as who can remember the last time a vampire actually drank Tru Blood? Season 2?
Meanwhile Jason Stackhouse has enjoyed a quick entrance into Vamp Camp via the LAVTF, or the LVAFT, or the LMFAO. Just look at that body. He works out. He's sexy and he knows it. Whatever.
Jason ramps up his racist side to get in good with the big guns, but the appearance of Sarah Newlin could be a spanner in the works. He threatens her with unwanted publicity should she try to stop him, but she finds another way to retaliate.
Jason is “gifted” the chance to watch the action in the vampire copulation chamber. Now I snorted at this concept when we first saw it a couple of eps ago, but to the producers' credit, they made this a truly horrifying scene. It was helped by choosing a beautiful hippy vampire named James as the male partner. He refused to take advantage of a terrified Jess, despite being repeatedly hit by burning UV rays. “I'm a vampire, not a rapist.” If you hadn't got it before, this was the producers giving you the “concentration camp” message.
To save beautiful hippy James, Jess begins to disrobe, and it's awful. Beautiful hippy James says she's a beautiful person who doesn't deserve this. But Jess, still guilty over her fairy banquet, believes she does. SADFACE. Thankfully, Sarah sees that this has affected Jason, and calls the whole thing off. I hope we see the return of beautiful hippy James. I liked him instantly.
Now. To our latest love triangle.
Bill senses Sookie being drowned at the start of the episode, and sends Warlow out into the daytime to rescue her. He throws Lafayette around until Sookie explains it's her dad who's responsible. Corbett Stackhouse emerges from Lafayette, only to be told by Sookie to eff off. Things calm down, but Warlow can't stay - Bill is calling him back. So Sookie takes him to her secret magic fairy land where Bill can't get them. I don't quite remember how Sookie is able to access the magical land, but whatevs. She and Warlow are in soft focus for the rest of the episode.
Bill gets the doctor to remove all his blood to place him in a coma so he can commune with Lilith. But she's not particularly happy with him coming to her for answers to how he can solve the great big vampire crisis. So when he returns to the world of the living (or should that be dead?) he sucks down the remainders of Warlow's fairy blood and gets a big boost of Vitamin F.
Bill - looking superhot in that long sleeved tee thing he does - goes out in the sun, and heads straight for Governor White's mansion. He strolls in, unhindered by the bullets of security guards, and promptly uses his magic to turn them on each other. Clever piece of staging. He gets into a big fight with Governor White, who barely has time to think “WTF?” before Bill rips his head off and leaves it bleeding at the foot of his own statue. Now that really is facing a truth.
I wasn't expecting Governor White to be bumped off so early, but it's not like Billith is a negotiating kind of vampire. Bill didn't get specific information about the Vamp Camp out of him, but I'm sure he'll speed read through his documents or something. And I guess it puts Sarah Newlin in a position to become the big bad.
Warlow, meanwhile, is still hating on himself like a failed Woody Allen impersonator. Trapped in dewy sunlit fairy land, he nevertheless insists Sookie tie him up to stop his vampire cravings getting the better of him and feeding on her. She uses some convenient vines, sealing them with her fairy light. Gosh that stuff is handy, they should sell it at Bunnings.
Warlow explains the reason why he wants Sookie so very much - if he turned her into his own vampire lady queen, they could just feed off each other, and he wouldn't need to kill all those humans and whatnot to survive. He struggles with his fangs, but Sookie doesn't seem perturbed. Instead, she lets him feed on her, then gives him a decent love bite as well to heal her wounds.
THEN it all gets very heated indeed. Sookie says she has all these feelings for Warlow, so maybe it's time to just up sticks and act on them. So she peels off her clothes slowly - tastefully leaving on her shoes and long socks - and climbs aboard the Warlow beef bus. Now this must be some pretty special loving because Warlow's hands are still tied so there's nothing in the way of foreplay to set the mood. This is Sookie going full tilt at something she wants. Sooks has felt pissed off most of this season at being constantly out of control of her destiny. The sparkly fairy vampire sex is her taking agency back.
Gore Level: Satisfying. The vamp camp butchery was great, and Bill's rampage against the governor was so much fun. You could almost see the point where the fake head was subbed in.
Pining for Sookie: Bill (well he still senses her in trouble), and Warlow. Yep, some mighty fine “pining” there.
Who got nude? Nudie Wolfie Prostie, and Sookie. Bam!