Pitfall: Does Brad (pictured with Angelina) have anything to apologise for? Photo: Reuters
Woman's Day and Famous have news of Brad Pitt cheating on Angelina Jolie.
Famous's cover has ''Brad Admits: 'I Made A Mistake' ''.
WD's cover has ''Brad Rushes To Oz: 'I've Made A Big Mistake' ''. WD's story inside has the headline: ''Brad's Mercy Dash Down Under: I've Made A Huge Mistake''.
Magwatch is worried that if any other celeb journals get onto this, Brad's mistake will reach world-threatening proportions.
Perhaps NW with ''Brad Confesses: I've Made A Mistake So Large It Emits Its Own Carbon''.
And New Idea: ''Brad Tells All: My Mistake's Enormity Has Produced A Shadow Affecting Crop Growth Across South-East Asia.''
Famous also features a ''shock pic'' of Robert Pattinson and asks ''What's In The Bag, Rob?'' The bag refers to a small rectangular white object held by a hand. The hand is in the background of a photo of Pattinson at a party.
He is unaware of the hand and bag. Famous is concerned because the object is CLOSE to Pattinson.
Magwatch does not want to get all babe in the woods about this. It's a small white bag at a party. It's Hollywood. Pattinson is an actor.
But, we ask, how can anyone spend their lives avoiding having their photo taken near bad things? What if Pattinson had been standing in a park?
And, CLOSE to him, a dog went to the toilet and the dog owner did not pick it up in a bag? And someone took a photo at that exact minute? Pattinson's life of living near things is over.
OK has a ''Sisters At War'' feature about Kim and Kourtney Kardashian.
''Kourt To Kim: Act Like A Mum … Not A Groupie. 'You Need To Stay Home' blasts Kourtney'' is its (complicated and long) headline.
Someone needs to take Kourtney aside and tell her some home truths.
Namely, that if Kim Kardashian ''stayed at home'' the world would stop spinning.
A day with Kim Kardashian choosing to watch Days Of Our Lives while shushing the baby and eating anything not out of date in the fridge would simply end time.