Firstly it’s Lynton and Rishi talking about the sunset view from their room at the Crown Metropol in Perth. About how the sun was setting between the buildings in the distance, how romantic it was. If there had have been a bottle of wine, says Lynton, who knows what might have happened. Rishi looks disappointed too.

Then once they hit the kitchen to find out what the immunity challenge will be and find Guillaume Brahimi standing with the judges, the majority of the women lose the plot.

“He’s hot,” says Noelene, leaving us with a visual that sticks for the rest of the episode. “He’s much better in real life than he is in his books. Whatever he says, I’m his.”

Even Christina turns into a giggling mess. Which is something if you read her profile.

Only ice queen Lucy holds it together. In true British fashion she fobs off the handsome Frenchmen as scary and shouty. When will those two countries sort it out?

But Noelene doesn’t care, one less competitor to worry about in the love stakes, she thinks, licking her lips.

But they’re not cooking against Brahimi; he’ll be their mentor in tonight’s challenge. And there’s another twist. Yesterday’s winning team of Neha, Lynton, Totem, Vern, Lucy and Noelene must decide which of them will compete in the immunity challenge. There can be only one.

Who wants to compete in tonight’s challenge, asks Matt.

I don’t really, thinks Noelene, I’d rather duck off to the cool room with Guillaume. I don’t really, thinks Neha, I’m still wondering why I’m actually on this show. I don’t really, thinks Lynton, I need to find a bottle shop and buy a nice bottle of rose for tonight.

But they all put their hands up and feign a little interest.

Totem thinks it’s obvious who should compete. Him. Totem thinks it’s obvious who’ll win the whole series. Him. He worked tirelessly in yesterday’s challenge, just ask him. Vern sets him straight with a catty comeback. The claws are out.

Christina makes the suggestion of the night. Let’s decide it with a cage fight. Now there’s a spin off for this series. Who would you put on the bill? Vern versus Kelty? Christina versus Jules? Daniel versus Lynton if they promise to fight buck naked? Now that one I’d watch.

But alas, they decide it like adults. Meaning Noelene decides for them. She wants this over quickly so she and Guillaume can have more time in the cool room.

Totem gets a lesson in humility and is burnt by Noelene in the first round. She puts up Lucy, Vern, Lynton and Christina. Sorry Totem. Not.

Then Lynton backs Vern and Lucy and the rest of them line up behind who they think should cook. Vern is the winner.

He’ll be up against chef Russell Blaikie from Perth’s Must Winebar. Here it’s Liliana’s turn to get a bit forward. She loves Blaikie’s beef cheeks, she tells him. I have your book upstairs, she says, fluttering her eyelids, and she almost faints when he says he’ll come up later and sign it for her.

Blaikie calms down a little to choose the core ingredient for tonight’s challenge. Duck or oranges? He chooses duck, which makes Vern happy, as he’s got a duck on his polo shirt. Thanks goodness he didn’t wear the Lacrosse one, or the Ralph Lauren one. Who knows what he would have done with crocodile or horse meat.

Then Brahimi says something no one can understand but it sends the girls into raptures again. Matt even has to give them a steady up. But not before Emma embarrasses herself by doing a piece to camera where she reverts to school girl French and looks lasciviously at the camera. Sacre bleu!

So Vern and Blaikie head to the kitchen. The girls line up at the pass to perve on Brahimi. It’s time to get down to the business of cooking. And for the next 20 minutes the action slows right down. Sometimes the cooking just gets in the way.

Sure, it’s compelling viewing watching someone chop a leg off a duck, or peel carrots, or fry onions. Isn’t it? Sure, there’s so much tension wondering whether someone’s lentils will be mushy or dry. The only two ways lentils can go, according to Noelene. (For the record, they turn out chalky. Option three.)

For all the criticism we’re dishing out here, watching someone cook is about as riveting as watching water boil. Which, apparently is much more riveting when it’s veal stock we’re watching.

Me, I’m here for the drama. But the only trouble tonight is that there isn’t much. Not even when Brahimi fulfils Lucy’s promise and gets all scary and shouty, hassling Vern about his carrots and his plating and even the way he closed the oven door with his foot.

“It’s not the cinema,” shouts Brahimi, as Vern over acts after burning his fingers while shredding some duck meat.

Someone forgot to tell him that is exactly what this is.

But like every great drama, even every mediocre one, there has to be a conclusion. And this one gets the conclusion it deserves.

Vern’s Duck two ways with puy lentils and winter vegetables is like winter on a plate and while the judges are quietly surprised they don’t give it any more than seven out of ten each.

Blaikie’s Seared duck breast with madeira jus, pumpkin puree and crispy fennel scores a near perfect 28/30. Gary even gives him full marks, despite the puree being just a puree. I think it’s the jus that seals the deal. And the fennel chips. Gravy and chips. You have to love it.

So Vern misses out but he doesn’t care he still feels like a winner, he says. Camera cuts to a smirky Totem who’s thinking you big loser, I could have won that pin.

Camera cuts to Noelene and Brahimi on their way to the cool room. Camera cuts to Lynton and Rishi on their way to the bottle shop. Camera cuts to Kelty for one last stupid comment. We’ve missed him tonight. Camera cuts to Christina, ready for a cage fight.

Okay, it didn’t end that way but we kind of wished it did.