Our menu was decided early in the week. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's Pork, Apples and Potatoes from his latest book Three Good Things – nothing wrong here with a bit of product placement – and chocolate mousse. We stop at the butchers on the way home from school (more about butchers later) to pick ourselves up a couple of pork cutlets and in 90 minutes have a meal worthy of presenting to Gary, George and Matt.

Main course is done and we sit on the couch with a teaspoon and our mousse and play a family-friendly version of the increasingly popular MasterChef drinking game, vowing to eat a spoonful of mousse every time:

a) We see Dan with his shirt off

b) Noelene rolls her eyes

c) Clarissa sings

d) Michael gives us one of his stupid sayings

e) Andrew cries

f) George holds his fork the wrong way. A punishable offence in our house

g) Someone on the boys team sweats

If we were drinking we'd be in trouble. Especially because she's only 12. Still, we're through the serve of chocolate mousse in no time.

But to the show.

The Project has reminded us of the day's events and thankfully there's no Julia Gillard quail on the menu. She's a problem protein for many people but not for tonight's contestants up for elimination.

Michael and Andrew have to revisit chicken. Daniel and Xavier have seafood. The girls, Noelene and Clarissa, have lamb. It's too early to predict but we want Daniel to stay. See a). Michael's creepy but Silence of the Lambs would have been nothing without Hannibal. Noelene, Noelene, Noelene, Noelene, we're begging of you please don't kill that lamb.

On the way to tonight's scenic cooking venue – thankfully outside so the boys don't sweat so much – Andrew and Daniel, good Gen Xers that they are, are bitching about everyone else, expecting Xavier and Daniel to be strategizing over their plan of attack for the challenge. But the Gen Y lads are too busy rabbiting on about their band – The Stuffed Pheasants – with a special appearance from Lynton on the heart strings - appearing soon at an RSL near you. Boys, focus, you're cooking today remember?

Perhaps they could approach Clarissa to be the lead singer. She's in fine tune tonight. We learn she's rubbed a few people up the wrong way and that she won't shut up even when George gets rather forceful with her. But give the gal some credit, she's got a good set of lungs. Is this a State Opera performance of Turandot, asks Michael, or a cooking show. We're asking ourselves the same question, Michael – is this a cooking show?

Noelene struggles early and we decide it's because she's not cooking with love. If she could slit Clarissa's throat she would. Mind you tonight's the first night where no one actually cuts themselves and it would seem a little bit of overkill to call “Nurse”, to stop a gushing jugular. Noelene tells us she likes to zone out and focus while she's cooking, that she cooks for herself now all her children have left home, that she's distracted by all the noise from the crowd and Dame Joan Clarissa in the next cubicle. And she hates it when she can't cook the way she wants to cook. When's the last time any of us did that Noelene? Cook with love, old girl, it's not all about you.

There's the prerequisite stuff ups as the dishes come together. Daniel is giving up on his pasta. But we're not giving up on you Daniel. Andrew's mashed potato is full of ash from Michael's smoking experiment. And has Michael been smoking something? He went wandering again if you didn't notice. Noelene has no room in her oven for her potatoes.

John from the Lite and Easy ad can't decide which prepackaged frozen meal to serve tonight. Twenty-four kilos in 23 weeks is impressive but man, it ain't cooking.

But Michael's made the biggest mistake of all. Who in their right mind, and we've wondered about his mental state since day one, thinks it takes 30 minutes to cook a whole chicken, spatchcock, spatchcock (and I've repeated myself because how many times in your career do you get to write the word spatchcock)?

There's so much blood it looks like a murder scene, he says. Too right. And I know I wasn't the only one a little worried by the way he looked at chicken skin the other night. Would have made a good shirt.

All too soon, there's a whistle. “Tools down,” Scotty Cam calls out. Oh hang on, wrong show. And it's time to stop cooking.

There's two touching moments here. Daniel throws in the tea towel and Xavier hugs him. “Can I get you anything, mate, a glass of water? I wish I could quit you Daniel,” Xavier says. But Daniel, fickle lover, finds Noelene, embraces her and tells her how proud he is of her. But is she flinching? Three marriages down, is this the most affection she's had in a while? Or is flinching her natural state?

And it's down to elimination. Twenty Barossa producers and the three judges are tonight's dinner guests. World champion oyster shucker Jim Wild has found another crazy shirt to wear, but thankfully shotgun prawn peeler Wendy Parsons has left her rubber gloves at home. (And who isn't going to try the rubber glove technique next time they're faced by a kilo of prawns? I know I am.)

Andrew and Michael: Coq au vin and dust storm chicken with couscous salad. Michael's as well as signed his death warrant when he suggests he'd prefer people not to eat his chicken. Andrew serves no mash but his chook's rich red colours are far more acceptable than the blood on Michael's plate.

Clarissa and Noelene: Roast rack of lamb with tomato medley, potatoes and eggplant and roasted leg of lamb with oven roasted vegetables. This is where we get back to my thing about butchers. Every woman knows the most important man in her life is her butcher. Even more so than her hairdresser or her gynaecologist. Just tonight, as I was selecting my own pork cutlets, I had four men fighting over whether I should take home the pork cutlets or the pork chops, so concerned they were with my wellbeing. (And note, it never hurts to flirt with your butcher or your hairdresser. Your gynaecologist might be crossing the line however.) Barossa butcher extraordinaire Gary McBean says Clarissa's lamb is perfect and gives Noelene's leg the nod too. The girls are safe if you ask me.

Xavier and Daniel: Flathead and prawn Thai green curry and Prawns and flathead in a Barossa tomato sauce. Meat and carbs Xavier, haven't you learned anything. Which country producer wants one of those foreign curries? Gone. Even before the judges announced your flavours insipid and mild. And Daniel? No pasta. But he winks at someone, maybe prawn peeler Wendy, as he puts his dish on the table and you just know the producers can't get rid of him this soon. If his cooking gets much worse he might resort to serving his food with his shirt off. But that would be okay. Pass the chocolate mousse.

And to the verdict. No mucking about. Noelene and Andrew are safe and Michael's gone. Gone!! Can the show go on without his Machiavellian musings? Without his worrying quotes – and there's a final one from The Shawshank Redemption to go out on – “Get busy living or get busy dying”. Maybe get busy cooking and we'll see you in 2014.

So it's down to Clarissa, Daniel and Xavier. Clarissa's safe. Meat and carbs. And then the Stuffed Pheasants are playing their farewell gig. Gary says something about both dishes looking good but something was missing and we're wondering whether he's talking about the boys or the meals they served. Either way.

But it's Xavier who gets the chop and Daniel is quickly falling into the arms of Lynton. (What's that three lovers tonight, Xavier, Noelene and Lynton? Perhaps he is auditioning for The Bachelor.)

So the girls win the battle of the sexes. Were we still concerned about that? It means the girls get to set the house rules for the week and Christina upsets the rest of her red aproned sisters by saying her first rule will be Daniel has to keep his shirt on.

How will he ever survive week three?