Lasagnette: Big Kev's kitchen kryptonite.
The first dream-shattering episode of the new MasterChef series is all about unfertilised eggs and carbohydrates.
For those among us suffering with Coeliac disease and a bout of Crohn's, be warned, this ain't going to be pretty as we the red team all face execution elimination by pasta.
While the victorious blue team are sent off for a fancy lunch, the red team and their cry-baby captain Emma make their way into the MasterChef kitchen to partake in a challenge which was bought to us by *insert well known pasta brand here.
Emma trying to keep calm despite the carb cyclone.
As the shiny sedans pull up, we learn three things.
One: Emma hasn't stopped crying long enough for us to realise she's a cute cherub who loves to cook and wear beanies in summer.
Two: Preston is in a foul mood tonight (one which I don't think could even be improved with an offering of a well-cooked fowl).
Eating pasta everyday saved Flippo from elimination (it could also be the reason why he never blinks).
Three: If you were playing a drinking game which involved taking a shot every time the word "terrified" and "terrifying" were used, you'd be calling in dead for work tomorrow.
"Eliminations are terrifying, we can feel your fear," Preston hollers as Emma warms up her tear ducts.
On the bench in front of the overlords of the kitchen lays an array of bows, swirls, ribbons and shells which would make the intestines of a dieter twist in terror, but for the red team these 28 bowls indicate the start of tonight's knockout elimination "and the end of a lifelong dream for one of you".
Round two: Making pasta without measuring cups.
Round one is "name that pasta", while everyone is instructed to line up behind Big Kev, Jules from the Top End tells us she's "terrified of pasta" while George tells her "she looks terrified", Steve 'Filippo' Buscemi says he eats pasta every night of the week because he's Italian.
Someone has to guess the name of the pasta – the first six to fail will continue onto the next round called "make that pasta", while the others yell from the balcony ledge.
First up is Big Kev. He paces up and down the table like Rodin's rugged and upright Thinker and bypasses spaghetti, penne and ravoli and chooses what he thinks is lasagne sheets because he's been "eyeing them off since I walked in".
MasterChef 2012 Top 24
The MasterChef judges - Gary, Matt and George
"This is going to be the shortest challenge ever," Preston chuckles under his cravat.
Turns out it isn't lasagne sheets – cue disbelief, praying, Preston's scorn and more of Emma's tears.
Big Kev steps aside and his roommate Mindy says it tagliatelle. Wrong!
Next is Jules who thinks its farfalle.
"Big, fat, ugly fettuccine?" suggests TK.
Kylie tries her luck and calls it both "busilli" and "fusilli" - both are wrong which sends Emma into a carbohydrate-induced catatonic state, which she snaps out of and calls it "ribbonella" - that's Italian for ribbon pasta in case you're wondering.
Turns out it lasagnette, Matt can pronounce it and Gary hasn't heard of it.
So now Big Kev, Mindy, Jules, TK, Kylie and Emma must present 250g of silky smooth, hand cut fettuccine, made with no measuring instruments. The first four to do so will be safe. Jules once again looks "terrified" as she's never made pasta.
Mindy is first through, followed by TK then Kylie who covers the gents (and their designer duds) in a brand name flour.
Lucky Emma is wearing a hat as she would've lost her head after being told to return to her bench to make nine more grams of pasta. "Calm yourself down Em!" her mates up above are yelling as she breaths heavily and snots all over her lapel microphone.
Meanwhile, the blue team are receiving an education on how to grill a whole cow/800g T-bone steak with Stefano Manfredi before they sit down to eat lunch at Balla where Mario confirms "this is the best steak I've ever had and I've eaten a lot of steak".
Back at MasterChef HQ and the Carb Olympics are continuing.
After a failed first attempt, Emma's back to weigh in. While she composes herself and Gary eyes off her goodies on the scales for lunch, George tells her she's safe.
This means Big Kev and Jules are on the bill as the title fight of round three - "cook that pasta".
Cue up the vision of Kev on the rugby pitch explaining how he wants to experience the "reality of cooking" and Jules, with fishing rod in hand, tells us how she misses her partner and the crocodile infested waters of the Territory, but wants to hang down in Sydney for a while longer.
To survive, both have to create/replicate an egg-yolk ravioli with burnt butter sauce which George prepared earlier.
Kev reckons "self-preservation" is the most important ingredient in this challenge. I would've thought gluten is, but I'm not "one of Australia's best amateur cooks".
With about 30 seconds remaining, George gets all sentimental telling the team "touch, taste, feel and control" are the most important tools in the kitchen.
Kev plates up a sexy looking dish but for what Jules' final product lacks in presentation, she makes up for it with plate licking deliciousness.
"Does your egg yolk ooze?" George asks a blushing Jules.
"It might look like a flying saucer but it eats deliciously well," Preston says as he shovels more of it onto his palate.
And with that Jules returns to the MasterChef house while a defeated and deflated Kev heads home to his barbecue and boyfriend, who greets him with a smooch and a beer.
According to the closing credits, the charming Canadian is now determined to change the face of cuisine at sporting events and "is in talks with a number of sporting clubs and venues" and never wants to see a sheet of lasagne again.