Big Brother manages to get worseTV and Radio
Report Card – Big Brother Confidential
Same, same but different ... Big Brother 2012
What’s it all about
The reformatted and revised Big Brother Uncut of the past is like gulping an extra hot latte too quickly, eating a T-bone steak with extra garlic sauce or walking in on your parents horizontal folk dancing – scarring, repetitive and horrifying.
Remember how great Howzat! was? How thought-provoking the second instalment of Go Back to Where You Came From has been?
Well Big Brother 2.0’s attempt at a risqué reel titled Confidential is more grating than great and should remain “confidential”.
What the 30 minutes of Big Brother Confidential lacks in nudity and night-time romps it makes up for with special effects produced on a Commodore 64.
Following on from the daily show, which ended with two female house mates feeding each other cupcakes, the updated version of its late night smutty predecessors opened with an introduction to Confidential as a magazine – a trashy rag that is heavy on clip art and cheesy narration but light on creative content.
Tonight we were promised “cheeky and funny moments” from the series thus far. What we got was a skit featuring Surly, the fish with a superimposed mouth, telling Big Brother he’s lusting over Layla, while Ray disclosed his relationship test. Ladies, if you can deal with him collecting his toenail clippings (something he has done since he was 11 years old), then you’re a keeper.
Throughout the montage of clips, which are presented in a similar fashion to Australia’s Funniest Home Videos circa 1988, some of Michael and Benjamin’s best work manages to shine through. “Straight Talk with Ben and Mike” discusses why Layla is “No.1” because of her brown hair, voluptuous curves and “boobs that can be made to look bigger”, while Stacey comes in a close second due to her “bucket load of personality”.
Michael won best on ground thanks to his burn on wannabe rapper Estelle. “You drive a Range Rover and ride horses, that doesn’t make you ‘gangsta’. I freestyle rap too but only at parties, I’d never do it here,” he quipped to other house mates.
The rations of powdered milk, lentils and rice acted as enablers for hyperactive Stacey, who developed a creepy connection to a cardboard cut-out of Ryan Gosling while the boys grappled with first world issues of having only two fruits in a can of “Two Fruits” and developing a bass line for the song Spoons and Greek-Style Yoghurt.
Before the PG rated show ended with flashes of potential couples cuddling and Bradley straddling a teddy bear while wearing a bra, Zoe provided the only piece of captivating viewing when she confided in Layla about being bullied in high school and how she dealt with it.
In a sentence: If the cutting-room floor of BB was in an abattoir, Confidential would be offal.
Best bit: An insight into Big Brother’s cheeky persona is entertaining plus there’s no toilet humour, dancing doonas or bum dancing ... yet.
Worst bit: “Uncut” or reality TV extras should be served at a salacious M15+ level peppered with swear words. If I wanted PG I’d wash down my Lean Cuisine with a chapter of The Baby Sitters Club.
Next episode: 8pm Thursdays
Worth watching again: If you find Mike Goldman’s repertoire of voiceovers entertaining then knock yourself out (and after 28 minutes of viewing that’s exactly what you might want to do to yourself).
Poll: How did you rate Big Brother Confidential?
- Brilliant: can't wait for the next episode
- Good: an enjoyable and entertaining show
- Average: had its moments, but nothing special
- Below par: show had promise, but was disappointing
- Terrible: won't be watching again
Total votes: 5041.
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Poll closed 4 Nov, 2012
These polls are not scientific and reflect the opinion only of visitors who have chosen to participate.