Kate Miller-Heidke, that cute-voiced Australian singer, once said that “an hour took forever, a day dragged on and on”. This series of My Kitchen Rules, though, is dragging on for an eternity, and with it, the increasingly tired and petty “cat fight” between Angela and Melina and Ashlee and Sophia.
But to begin at the start: Jake is first to enter Kitchen HQ, looking particularly odd in tangerine pants with a red pinstripe shirt, but hey, fashion is blind. Or is that love? No matter. Manu starts peddling some tripe about breakfast being the most important meal of the day, and for a brief moment it appears that My Kitchen Rules has become sponsored by the Nutritionists’ Council of Australia.
This balanced meal palaver is right up the alley of Luke and Scott, the “have we mentioned we’re from Bondi?” personal trainers from “did we say Bondi yet?” The two high-five each other as they remember punishing clients who didn’t eat breakfast by forcing them to polish their muscles and eat activated almonds.
Ashlee and Sophia, not content with just slamming Melina-of-luscious-locks and Angela and telling them “seriously, just go home already”, begin their nightly “babes” and “smash it” routine. For gonce it seems that the babes might be using the right words, when they’re confronted with bacon as their ingredient to make a “breakfast of champions”. I think Milo have the trademark on that slogan, and everybody knows that chocolate is the only correct way to start the day.
Luke and Scott’s ingredient is tomato and Luke hyperventilates over how fresh the tomatoes seem. Calm down, buddy, they’re not going to drop and give you 50.
Pete and Manu, looking uncomfortable in their suits, have a “sick twist”, according to Mick. They make everyone force-feed Luke bacon and sit on him so he can’t work off the fat. When this passes, Manu instead orders all the teams to move one bench and resume the challenge with the ingredients of their neighbours. “Babes” are unhappy at changing from bacon to fruit.
Melina and Angela OMG a bit and get excited over the mushroom they face. They get stuffed [the mushrooms, that is], much to the chagrin of Kerrie and Jake. They are utterly dismayed at the fact Melina is gutting the mushroom and bond over the beautiful Italian’s cruelty to fungi.
Mick finds it hard to untangle Matt from his apron strings and let his son boss him around the kitchen. I’m finding hard, still, to differentiate these two and the weird matching glasses thing isn’t helping.
Sophia, in a surprising and completely uncharacteristic show of aggrandisement, is confident her date and banana butter will be a winner. "This is going to be a game, set, match because of our butter,” she tells “babes”. Someone should check if Lleyton Hewitt is still alive because I think Sophia has eaten him with the way she is spouting out the tennis clichés.
Dan, who is lost without a sausage in sight, and Steph mispronounce pide, the Turkish flatbread, and for the remainder of the challenge, pronounce it as the past tense of pie, as though someone has pied them in the face. I wish.
Kerrie laughs in the face of Melina’s deflated stuffed mushroom, and says it looks like a cow pat. This is offensive to cow pats and Kerrie will be forced to apologise come Monday’s episode. Chris and Sam are making some kind of baked egg concoction but for the first time recent memory, there’s no risk of any band-aids falling into their food because Chris is finally not wearing one.
Having got over the shock of not being able to use ingredients from the local organic grocer, Luke and Scott decide to make a bacon and egg roll, Bondi style. One wonders what this means, until it is suggested by one of them that they make a tomato tapenade to make the rolls fancy. Or perhaps wanky is what they meant. Is that what Bondi style is?
Dan and Steph are preparing their fruit for a compote to accompany their badly-pronounced pide. Of course Manu has no problems saying it correctly. Dan wants the fruit to shine. Spit should do the trick.
Ashlee and Sophia, still babe-ing away like nobody’s business, know their dish will be a killer. That’s because it’s laced with arsenic. But, what’s this? Sophia calls Ashlee “Bella”. They have a vocabulary! Sophia is having trouble with her pancakes, because she couldn’t see how much batter was being poured into the ring moulds. Who bothers using their eyes these days? It’s so passé.
As the challenge winds up, Luke does the unthinkable and says he loves the crispy bacon. He’s changed; Scott ends things with him. Ashlee and Sophia’s appraisal of their food – that it looks like vomit – finally matches that which they have given to the other teams.
Mick and Matt, Dan and Steph, Ashlee and Sophia and Angela and Melina fail to make the cut, and so cue more slightly dull bitchiness from Ashlee and Sophia to Melina and Angela as they enter the showdown.
“I just want to get rid of this bad smell because it’s starting to stink.”
Mick and Matt are making chicken pesto pasta, but Mick looks as though someone has rubbed Melina’s cow pat in his face when Matt reminds him that he is charge for this challenge. Dan and Steph are making jerk chicken – there’s no sausage in sight. Someone find Dan’s sausage!
Angela and Melina disagree over how best to brown their chicken, the key ingredient for the second stage of tonight’s contest. Angela doubts Melina’s methods, which puts them 10 minutes behind. Melina will scalp Angela later.
Mick burns his nuts. Pine nuts. Keep it clean, please.
And he repeats the trick for good measure.
Angela and Melina and Ashlee and Sophia separately stress about whether their chicken is cooked, but time is up and Ashlee explodes in a fit of nerves. Sophia decides this was a calculated act and serves her remains on top of the chicken.
Despite Ashlee and Sophia’s fears, their chicken was perfectly cooked, decree Pete and Manu and they, along with Dan and Steph, are safe. This prompts Dan to spout: “Winner, winner, chicken dinner,” proving that you’re never too young for terrible dad jokes.
For the twentieth time in less than an hour, we are reminded that the bottom team will face Joanna and Jenna – looking far from “inspirated” at her position right now – in the sudden death challenge.
The pressure gets to Melina; she starts to cry as the showdown announcement looms. Sophia says it is co-incidental that Melina cries her crocodile tears now; probably about as co-incidental as her having something to say about this turn of events.
Luckily for Melina’s sanity, it’s Mick and Matt who will cook against Jenna and Joanna, but unfortunately for the viewers, there’s now much more of Ashlee and Sophia’s confected argument with Melina and Angela to come.
Now I’m feeling inspirated.