Robbie, right, has a fractured penis.
When you think you've seen it all, think again. After every episode of this Lifestyle You program that I watch, I think 'surely it can't get any worse'. How wrong could I be? Very wrong, it turns out.
I thought I'd seen the worst last week when a bloke showed up with three missing teeth, or the week prior when a 20-year-old bloke flashed his anal warts. Before that, there was a tight foreskin — and getting tighter, and in the premiere episode — which seems quite tame all of a sudden. There was a bloke not getting any sex because of his testicular cysts. If only there was more of that. If only.
Penises seem to be a recurring theme on this show — whether they be bloody, dodgy or just plain weird, Embarrassing Bodies Down Under has got them all. And if this is just a small portion of the problems out there in Australia, I'm surprised anyone looks at a penis. Seriously. What is up with Australian penises?
A rash all up her legs has Tracey colouring red.
You might think I'm going a little loopy, or crazy. Wait to find out why. Seriously. It's haunting.
Unlike me, thankfully, our doctors are calm and collected and take all the dodgy bits and droopy things in their stride. Like the penis of our first patient, Robbie. He's 62.
Dr Brad gets to inspect his oddly-coloured penis firsthand. An accident in the bedroom has left Robbie with more than a bruised ego, warns narrator Dr Cindy. Over to you, Robbie.
Household objects that seriously have to be removed from Aussie bums.
"I was having sex and I felt something snap," he explains. "I didn't worry about it too much but next day when I woke up, my penis was black ..." Wow. I'm not sure whether I should keep watching or switch off right now.
(Unfortunately I have an agreement with a rather demanding editor to file this column each week, so I keep watching. If you've a weak stomach, it might be time to think carefully about what you're reading.)
Robbie goes on: "It was bent out of shape, so now if I get an erection, what happens is the actual head falls off the main shaft, if that makes sense."
If you didn't have a foot phobia before - perhaps as few warts will make you think again.
Dr Brad appears calm despite this avalanche of information that is just not right, and asks "what do you mean, the head falls off the main shaft?"
Robbie, clearly not worried about exposing such a problem on national television, says: "The knob part, or the head part, will bend right over and is falling off ... which is sort of a very bad angle if you want to try and have sex, if you get what I mean."
I think we all get what you mean, Robbie. But wait — if you're still reading — because there's more.
"I've noticed that when it's flaccid, it's shrunk about two to three centimetres."
Dr Cindy explains that Robbie's penis has fractured — because there are no bones in the penis, the vital organ cannot break. Fortunately for the viewer, there's a helpful guide to fractured penises flashed on screen as Dr Cindy explains. There's a few images now BURNED INTO MY MIND FOREVER.
My queasiness and exaggeration aside, this is actually quite a serious problem. Sometimes the fibrous coverings of the penis are damaged, and when this is untreated, it can cause a bend in the penis, known as peyronie's disease.
Dr Brad leaves Robbie alone to get aroused so he can properly examine the problem. Yes, the overlay sound is a little '70s porn-esque. And yes, we see Robbie's erection. But no, I'm not going to go into detail about what that looks like. What I will say is Robbie's old fella is at an left-leaning angle.
Robbie admits he should have gone to hospital at the time, but he is sent to a urologist to see if it can be corrected. The curvature is actually not severe enough for an operation, and the risks may outweigh the benefits. If he'd got treatment earlier, surgery would have been a viable option.
Later, we meet Tracey, 37, who has a rare condition. Dr Ginni says she's one in one million. But Tracey hates the red rash up her arms and legs, which started about five years ago and has become worse as the years pass. Hot days and the shower make the rash worse and she would prefer to cover her whole body to avoid people gawking at her.
The problem appears to be caused by blood vessels that have opened and created marks across her body. If left untreated, the marks can become much darker.
At the dermatologist, Tracey is able to have the problem sorted by undergoing a series of long laser treatments. Unfortunately, there is no cure but through the treatment, the progression of the vessels' dilation can be slowed.
But onto the main "attraction", if you will, and it's a series of prosthetic arses that have household items stuck inside them. An unwitting group of young guys are asked to extract the bits from inside. Honestly, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.
It all comes about after the doctors discuss weird emergency cases where people have shoved things up their back passage — Dr Brad says these often make for the most interesting dinner party conversations. I need new friends, it seems; nothing like that ever comes up at my dinner parties.
Our four volunteers are asked to guess what is stuck up the fake bum, and the only clue is that it is a common presentation to emergency. The guys get to cop a feel and guess what it is.
The first extraction — helped by a genuine X-ray scan — is of a pestle, as in a mortar and pestle. If this is first, I shudder to think what will be pulled out next.
For those playing along at home, the prizewinners in this game of extraction were an aerosol can and a coffee jar. Oh help.
Apparently these three are just the start of a long list of things people have stupidly inserted — or have had inserted — into their anus. Other frequently occurring items are mobile phones, TV remote controls, vegetables, light bulbs and billiard balls. I really don't understand people sometimes.
Dr Ginni returns her G-spot this week, but this time, it's for the blokes to ask all those questions they want answered about women's bodies. It's mysterious to some guys why some women get wetter during sex than others, why girls don't fart in front of men (they do - they are just more polite than men) and why women are angrier on their period. (I know, I know, but please, I didn't write the questions.)
On a lighter note, Dr Sam treats a couple of feral-looking warts on a young woman's foot, while Dr Christian admits he has a foot phobia, which prompts a lot of close-up shots of feet.
Another woman's bingo wings are cut off while a young woman's hormonal imbalance, which causes her to grow facial hair, is corrected.
If I'm correct, and next week's cases are even more severe, I do wonder what on earth could be next. Surely, Australia, our bodies aren't so embarrassing it can get any worse. Please?