Kyle and Jackie O Kiis 2Day goodbye
Breakfast radio duo Kyle and Jackie O launch their new show on Kiis FM.PT1M59S http://www.canberratimes.com.au/action/externalEmbeddedPlayer?id=d-3144c 620 349 January 20, 2014
"It's a history-making day for us on Kiis FM," crows Kyle Sandilands. Indeed, the promos for the rebranded radio station bill its new breakfast team alongside the invention of radio, manned flight, the Sydney Opera House and the opening of the M7.
Welcome to the new Kyle and Jackie O show. Just like the old one, except Sandilands has a brand new black T-shirt. They're "broadcasting live from Sydney and around the world", and all within cooee of Macquarie Shopping Centre.
Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O post this selfie on Facebook for the start of their new show on Kiis.
Welcome to the "home of the world's biggest exclusive events", "home to the biggest stars". Home, be it ever so humble.
The top-rating FM breakfast duo debuted in their new home this morning. In the small world of Sydney breakfast radio - where men have first names and women have initials - they don't come any bigger. Hours from now people will still be tweeting about the return of Kyle and Jackie O (Henderson).
Sandilands has spent the summer slagging off people at his old radio station 2Day FM - who, in turn, have called him fat, out-of-date and a "wounded narcissist". As stoushes go, it has all the significance of the Anglo-Zanzibar war of 1896.
Perhaps weary from battle, Kyle lost himself momentarily on air this morning. When throwing to a Jessica Mauboy song, he accidentally says he is still on 2Day FM instead of Kiis 1065 (formerly known as Mix 106.5). He soon realised his blunder, interrupting the song to say: "OK, wow, I meant Kiis FM. Big mistake. Big mistake."
That's Kiis with two "i's", named in honour of either the Kiev International Institute of Sociology or the Kentucky Institute for International Studies, whose courses include ornithology and animal behaviour in Argentina.
"You look great," he tells Jackie O. "So do you," she says. In truth, no one looks good at 6am in Macquarie Park. Not even you.
The traffic announcer warns of a "sloppy start to your Monday morning". But the breakfast duo slip into their new pad as comfortably as a pair of Sandilands' sweatpants.
Promising the "world's biggest stars", they deliver Guy Sebastian, Matthew McConaughey and that guy from the Ford Kuga ad.
Kris Jenner, matriarch of the Kardashian clan, talks about "keeping it real". Kylie Minogue talks about camping and how hard it is to change a tyre. "It's hard, it's really hard," says Jackie O in sympathy.
Moments later, Minogue pops up on the 2Day FM breakfast show, where she fails to mention motor mechanics. Flicking between the two radio stations can be confusing. The same celebrity guests, the same air "kiises", the same ads for fertility specialists promising help with the "baby-making equation".
Radio 2Day FM has a $10,000 pop quiz. Kiis FM's quiz is worth $20,000. One happy caller on Kiis wins $300 after being asked whether Rihanna has a pet tiger and for the number of Angelina Jolie's children. I think the correct answers were "no" and "73" but I was too busy changing a flat tyre to hear.
The 2Day FM team is talking about parents who lie to their children. Back on Kiis, Jackie O is talking about a woman who loves sniffing and chewing soiled nappies. "The heavier ones that have more pee smell better."
Sandilands and Jackie O are at their best when talking about themselves, or, better still, what other people are saying about them. An announcer reads out comments made on social media about Jackie O's "horse face" and "helicopter facepad". And comparisons between Sandilands and a minke whale.
"You have a great nose and slitty eyes," Jackie O tells Sandilands. I almost feel sorry for the guy who once strapped a 14-year-old girl to a lie detector to quiz her about her sex life.
A mess of media is at the studio to capture the moment Sandilands uses a ruler to measure his co-host's forehead (seven centimetres, apparently).
Outside on the footpath, two Kiis people greet guests and advertisers. Three more welcoming staff are stationed at the front door, plus one lonely guy in the lift. "I have a double degree," he confides.
In the studio, the show's executive producer Simon Greally is picking which caller to put on air. "We don't want everything about Kyle and Jackie O," he says. "Maybe one [caller], possibly two. I would prefer to have something else that is happening in the world."
Instead, we hear from "huge fan" Matt from Hamlyn Terrace, who promises he will get a "Kiis" tattoo on his shoulder. "I'm not afraid," he says.
Joanne calls in for help with spicing up her love life, prompting Sandilands to run through his preferred sexual positions.
At 9.30am, show over, Sandilands and Jackie O emerge from the studio and walk up to the rooftop, where there is a swimming pool and a big cake to be cut.
"I resigned from learning years ago," says Sandilands, over the sound of the pool cleaner scrubbing scum from the tiles.
Downstairs, Chrissy Amphlett is singing "Get me out of here" over and over on the radio.