WA princesses Chloe and Kelly relish the chance to take on their nemeses, VIC twins Helena and Vikki.

WA princesses Chloe and Kelly relish the chance to take on their nemeses, VIC twins Helena and Vikki.

There’s nothing better than a vicious battle between people who genuinely loathe each other, and tonight My Kitchen Rules is an absolute bonanza for lovers of televised hatred.

In the battle to find out who will be forced to defeat Carly and Tresne, nice twins Helena and Vikki will be cooking off against Chloe and Kelly, as well as some other teams apparently.

The cook-offs begin with some boxes. It is a mystery what is in the boxes. In fact, let's call them "boxes of mystery". How do they think of these things? The mystery is quickly solved: the boxes contain the contents of five random people’s fridges. So probably they’ll be cooking with a six-pack of beer, an old avocado and a frozen parma.

Twinning or losing, <i>MKR</i> twins Helena and Vikki aren't going down without a fight.

Twinning or losing, MKR twins Helena and Vikki aren't going down without a fight.

With only 45 minutes to turn the suspiciously luxurious contents of the fridges into meals, the contestants immediately get to work on preparing dishes that clearly will take more than 45 minutes to cook.

Helena and Vikki will be making something they make at home, "but we’re gonna make it competition-worthy”.

Not sure whether this means better or worse than at home. Cathy and Anna are making pork. "Pork’s your baby," says Anna disturbingly, adding, “I’m going to French these babies.” What she’s on about is anyone’s guess.

'This year's Dan and Steph' ... NSW cheesemakers Jason and Annie.

'This year's Dan and Steph' ... NSW cheesemakers Jason and Annie.

Chloe reveals her greatest secret: she doesn’t want to go home. Reeling from this shock, we then have to watch Chloe and Kelly dance, and we black out for a few minutes.

When we wake up, Pete and Manu are comparing haircuts, while Vikki is putting feta in the chicken, even though they haven’t banged it out yet! I’m assuming this is cooking jargon.

We take a quick break to see Kelly’s eyes shining and hear her gasping with ecstasy at the thought of Helena and Vikki losing. We take another break to hear the thoughts of Jason and Annie, but nobody is interested.

Time to hear Carly and Tresne’s thoughts. “We just want to avoid sudden death against anybody.” Time to stop hearing Carly and Tresne’s thoughts.

Back in the main game, disaster as Helena’s chicken is raw. She strikes on a cunning gambit: put it back in the oven. It’s just crazy enough to work. As is Cathy’s strategy of throwing all of her daughter’s chips in the bin.

Approximately four hours after the 45-minute challenge started, it is over. Cathy is devastated, but she needs to develop a sense of perspective really. Jason is worried his lamb is going to bite him in the arse because he’s been drinking. He and Annie look ready to walk into the ocean.

The food is served. None of it is very good. It’s all too dry or too raw or too bland or too cooked by Jason and Annie. It’s a tough decision but finally the jury all agree they should go to an ad break to drag it out a bit more.

A few days after dinner ended, we are told that Cathy and Anna and Paul and Blair are safe, which means that the twins will compete against the WA girls again, in a big shock to anyone who didn’t see the spoiler they aired during an ad break earlier in the show. Also Jason and Annie have to cook again, but honestly who cares.

This time they must cook with a crate containing ingredients from Pete and Manu’s kitchens. The twins rush to Manu’s crate, but are shouldered out of the way by Kelly, who immediately wets herself with joy.

Manu’s crate contains bone marrow. “I love bone marrow,” says Kelly, but can she succeed now that she has to cook it, rather than sucking it from still-living victims as she usually does?

Jason and Annie are cooking something or other, I assume. I dunno, I sort of tune out when they’re on screen.

The two important teams are working furiously, but they may run out of time, since they’re using most of the hour to bitch and make cat noises instead of cooking.

Over the other side Annie has forgotten who she is.

As time ticks away, Helena panics and decides to cook her fish. From the balcony the jury agree: this is a mistake.

Meanwhile Annie is half-woman, half-puddle. Jason slips on her and breaks several bones.

Helena adds some prawns to make things a bit more exciting, an old trick she learned from Led Zeppelin. Meanwhile Kelly and Chloe seem supremely confident, which means ... well we know what that means. Helena and Vikki have overcooked their fish, forcing them to say the word “fish” seven hundred times in one minute.

Elsewhere, Annie and Jason are drowning in their own tears.

Helena and Vikki take out their fish. "I don’t want to serve up soggy skin,” says Helena, sharing a dating tip out of the blue. Down the other end, Kelly says, “We’re better than this.” I didn’t see what she was referring to, but whatever it is she’s wrong.

Time is up, and Annie checks into an institution. Kelly has suddenly lost all confidence in her dish, which is sad for her but hilarious for literally everyone else on earth.

"Do you really think that you have done my ingredient justice?” asks Manu, in the tone of a mad billionaire asking James Bond if he really expected to escape the volcano lair.

Helena and Vikki step up and Pete asks them a series of cryptic riddles, before finally allowing them to cross his bridge. Finally Jason and Annie serve their dish and are prescribed powerful anti-depressants. “You think OK is good enough?” spits Manu, malice dripping from every fake-accented word.

Judgment time. Pete explains the nature of the challenge to the people who’ve just done it in case they didn’t notice they were doing it while they did it.

Pete and Manu loved Chloe and Kelly’s dish, because frankly they are just spoilsports.

Pete tells Helena and Vikki that they lacked confidence today, and Helena and Vikki start crying, and Chloe and Kelly grow strong on the sustenance of their tears.

Helena and Vikki cooked well, but “is too much on the plate?” asks Manu, who doesn’t realise he’s supposed to decide that.

Anyway obviously Annie and Jason go through to sudden-death because they are basically hopeless and have been having a nervous breakdown since they arrived.

Luckily, they can avoid elimination by out-cooking Carly and Tresne, which shouldn’t be too difficult provided they remember to wake up tomorrow morning.

Meanwhile we viewers have the pleasure of feeding off the four ladies’ vicious hatred for a while longer, hooray!