Moment of truth: Deb welcomes the judges. Photo: Facebook
We begin with the voiceover informing us that token grandparents Deb and Rick will “pull out everything they’ve got” – a genuinely terrifying notion.
They explain how they first met and how hot Deb looks in a bikini and quickly make this history’s least appetising cooking show.
Deb and Rick’s instant restaurant has a beachy theme, spiced up with “Naughty Nan’s Corner”, which is a corner you can visit to see Deb wink at you and make you throw up. They begin their cooking by preparing dessert – trifle. Deb makes custard, which she has been making for forty years, and which she immediately ruins. The suspicion grows that Deb is a fantasist who has never cooked in her life, and Rick is her carer.
A quick selfie: Manu and Pete on their way to Rick and Deb's instant restaurant. Photo: Facebook
Rick and Deb begin peeling prawns. Rick wants to get changed. Deb wants to peel prawns. Cracks appear in the marriage.
Meanwhile, Kelly says she doesn’t think she’s going to like Deb and Rick’s style of food, because it is food and they are people. She notes that “Deb and Rick’s” is not an original name and that therefore they definitely can’t cook and that also she is the worst person in the world.
Tension rises as Vikki begins serving champagne in a distinctly threatening manner, and spills champagne on Kelly’s dress, in what is the least violent thing anyone could possibly do when holding a champagne bottle near Kelly.
The South Australian team: Rick and Deb get a score of 69 for their efforts. Photo: Facebook
Vikki claims it was an accident. The viewer hopes she’s lying. The atmosphere is so tense you could cut it with Chloe’s face. It’s clear that tonight is not about food, it’s about young women hating each other.
Pete and Manu arrive and talk rubbish about expecting amazing food for no particular reason. Deb presents Manu with a nude painting of herself due to an under-medicated variety of psychopathy. Manu immediately files a sexual harassment suit.
As everybody waits for Kelly to begin biting the twins, the entrée is served. The entrée is some chips and prawns, smothered obsessively in dressing by an increasingly unstable Deb. Kelly thinks it looks like a dog’s breakfast because she feeds her dog prawn and potato chips every morning.
Manu likes the prawns but not Deb’s apparent belief that they were on fire and had to be doused by dressing. Pete thinks the dish was “disjointed” due to his belief that an entrée is a screenplay. The other guests find the dressing overpowering, in the sense that an ocean might overpower a goldfish.
The main is trout filled with pesto, but god knows why. Rick and Deb tie the trout with a string to ensure it doesn’t try to escape or call for help.
“I’m worried,” lies Kelly, who is literally sexually aroused by the misfortune of others. In the kitchen Manu tells Deb she’s doing it wrong, and Deb bursts into tears, her dream of marrying Manu in tatters. The trout isn’t working well – its skin is slimy and untrustworthy and has to be removed.
The main is served Chloe and Kelly are outraged that their food has been arranged in a smiley face, as they are offended by any sign of human happiness.
Pete discovers a bone in his fish – Deb and Rick drew the short straw to be this season’s bone-in-fish-leavers. The guests think the fish is delicious: Chloe thinks it was poorly presented, but she’s one to talk.
It’s dessert time. Kelly admits she is not a trifle fan, which is not surprising given that trifle is a thing. Meanwhile Deb and Rick have turned their cake into a smoking pile of rubble. Disaster looms – their trifle has no cake and it seems the only way out will be ritual suicide.
It’s now one-and-a-half hours after the main course and as the guests’ stomachs bloat, they decide to make another cake, thus forcing everyone to spend even more time in Chloe and Kelly’s company and leaving Deb and Rick vulnerable to a complaint to the United Nations Human Rights Commissioner.
In the dining room Andrew passes the time by making stupid noises and being hated by everyone.
In the kitchen the new cake is done, and so, mere weeks after the dinner party started, dessert is about to be served. Pete considers the trifle to be the best dish they’ve made tonight, although it lacks the ability to rub your feet and book tickets to Hawaii that would have justified the amount of time it took. Emilia notes that the trifle has no wow factor, and she’s a woman who knows about having no wow factor.
Kelly says, “I don’t think you’d really call it a trifle, from what I know of trifles”, thus proving she doesn’t know anything of trifles, because of course it is a goddamn trifle and bloody hell Kelly get your hand off it.
Deb and Rick having suffered from their penchant for over-dressing their prawns and refusing to serve dessert until they’ve finished watching the extended edition of Return of the King.
They also suffer from Chloe and Kelly’s personalities, but they’re hardly Robinson Crusoe there. The guests’ total score was 28 out of 50. They get 41 from the judges, thus ending up with 69, which isn’t a great score but perfectly adequate because of Andrew and Emilia, God’s gift to their fellow contestants.
Tomorrow night it will be Chloe and Kelly, who are aiming to get the highest score in MKR history, but are likely to lose points due to the strategic misstep of showing everyone their personalities prior to their turn at cooking.