My Kitchen Rules 2016 episode 5 recap: Maltese rabbits served with love

Tonight it is the turn of mother and son team, Anna and Jordan, to display their instant restaurant and, after hearing Jordan say his mum is his best friend, you hope they're great cooks because there's not a lot else going on in his life.

Mother and son team Anna and Jordan on My Kitchen Rules.
Mother and son team Anna and Jordan on My Kitchen Rules. Photo: Channel 7

"Tonight we want to put us on a plate," says Jordan, echoing a hundred previous cooking show contestants who had no idea what they were doing. On the way to the supermarket, Anna and Jordan sing along to We Are Family, a good indicator of mental instability.

Pete and Manu peruse the menu. "I can taste it already," says Manu, which could mean he's having a stroke, because he's not eating it. Still, tasting imaginary food before you get to the house is a good idea because it's bound to be more satisfying than the actual meal.

My Kitchen Rules judges Manu Feildel and Pete Evans like it super spicy
My Kitchen Rules judges Manu Feildel and Pete Evans like it super spicy 

On the way home, Anna is panicking. "The worst thing you can do is stress out about it," says Jordan, but he's actually quite wrong: the worst thing you can do is cook really, really badly. Just ask Cheryl and Matt.


Anna announces her intention to cook from the heart, which is always a terrible decision: why don't any of these people ever try cooking from their brain?

Meanwhile, Jordan explains that he's "not one for measurements", which is a really outstanding approach, I think, because when it comes to making food taste good, most experts agree that the amount of each ingredient you put in makes very little difference.

As mum and son frantically prepare, Anna adds her secret ingredient to the main, and that secret ingredient is … love.

Nah, actually it's anchovies. So, technically, the opposite of love.

As the guests arrive, Laura tells us, "As we enter, we're transported to Malta". She screams in terror, wondering what hellish device has been turned on her to result in this instantaneous matter transference, but she quickly realises it's just the décor.

The instant restaurant is called 'Mama Knows Best' because Anna and Jordan have a sick sense of humour. The guests warm to it immediately. "We're like a big Italian family," says Cheryl, who is deeply confused. A lively discussion ensues in which all teams reach agreement on one point: they do not know where Malta is.

"We've seated the guests mum, but we've got meals to cook," says Jordan, lying again: they're actually just sitting in a studio hours later.

Pete and Manu arrive. Anna's stomach does a flip. She begins drinking. Disaster looms.

Entrée is baby octopus, cruelly slaughtered with its whole life ahead of it. "I think a lot of teams should be intimidated … we're not," says Zana, who has never been intimidated by anything except homeless people.

Monique's face makes her feelings about Zana clear. Zana believes Monique's problem is the fact that Zana has a brain, which is sort of true, in as much as if she didn't have a brain, she'd be a lot quieter.

Entrée is served. Around the table, a quiet collective prayer goes up that the octopus will climb up Zana's throat and clamp tightly over her face.

Sadly, the octopus is not only dead, but bland. And although Manu is impressed that Jordan made his own sausage – if you catch my drift – he found it somewhat dry, and everyone knows how important a moist sausage is.

The guests all love the entrée apart from Zana, who thinks it was terrible for reasons that are hard to discern because, honestly, you can't keep listening to Zana too long – you have to take a break for the sake of your own mental health.

Disaster has struck in the kitchen where Jordan has left the lid off his ice-cream maker, thus ruining both his ice-cream and his mother's dreams of happiness. What's more, the sauce on the rabbit isn't thickening, and that's not even a euphemism. Jordan wants more onion in the sauce. Anna finds the suggestion deeply offensive. They agree to disagree, but you can tell their relationship will never be the same.

Zana is looking forward to the main as she has eaten a lot of rabbit pappardelle in her life and therefore has a reason besides her personality to be extremely nasty and judgmental. Where she ate all this rabbit pappardelle, who knows? Maybe it was the set menu where she grew up, in the gigantic beachside palace built entirely out of diamond limousines. Bizarrely, she says she actually likes the pappardelle, with a look of undisguised fury on her face. In fact, everyone likes the pappardelle, even Pete, who after consulting Wikipedia to check whether cavemen ate rabbit, gives it four-and-a-half scientifically unsound vaccination studies out of five.

And so to dessert: imqaret, a traditional Maltese date biscuit, served with the ice-cream colloquially known as 'Jordan's Shame'.

Manu declares himself "very satisfied" in exactly the way you imagine him saying it after sex. He is a little disappointed with the ice-cream though, and expresses his sympathies to Anna on her failed son.

Pete also claims to have loved the dessert, which, as in every case where Pete expresses a liking for dairy or carbs, is a disgusting lie. Gianni and Zana liked the dessert, but they could have done better and their dessert will be far superior and also they suspect Anna and Jordan buy clothes off the rack.

Time for the scores, and it's a flurry of eights and nines, and thus the phenomenally low bar of being better than Cheryl and Matt is cleared. Even better, Manu gives the main a 10, which reduces Anna to tears and causes Jordan to say, "It's a 10 Mum – just like you".

Steady on Jordan, you're not Matt. Anna and Jordan have hit the top of the leaderboard, an achievement which needs to be put in context, and the context is: it means nothing. As the old saying goes, there's no prize for coming first in the instant restaurant round so I don't know why we're all bothering.

Tomorrow night it's Gianni and Zana's instant restaurant, which will be titled 'The Recapper's Wet Dream'.

The affluent couple are quite confident: Zana declares that she doesn't think they could score lower than Cheryl and Matt "even if our arms were chopped off". Which is probably true, but I still think it's worth a try to see what happens. Tune in to see what gets chopped off and what stays on, on Australia's favourite kitchen-themed catfight.