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A harsh mouthful: Manu coughs after trying the twins' frangipane tart.

It’s Stress Night on My Kitchen Rules, as the teams are forced to compete for MKR’s equivalent of punching a baby rabbit – opposing Carly and Tresne in Sudden Death. Nerves will fray, tempers will shorten, sauces will reduce. 

Six teams will compete against each other in three head-to-head challenges. Bree and Jessica have made the most money of the six, so they get to choose who they compete against, and the team they choose gets to pick the meat they use and geez this is getting confusing. Sometimes you wish they’d just chuck everyone in a mud puddle and make them wrestle. 

Chloe and Kelly say they want to take the mums down a peg. “A biiiig peeeeeg,” Chloe intones in an odd, slow manner that suggests her batteries might be running down. Unfortunately for them, Bree and Jessica choose Thalia and Bianca. And Thalia and Bianca choose game meats. Then Cathy and Anna choose Helena and Vikki and Helena and Vikki choose lamb and then Josh and Danielle choose fish and Kelly is happy even though she was just whining about wanting to cook with offal because it reminds her of her childhood inside a cow’s stomach. At this stage I’m in no way sure of what’s going on, but I think the important thing is that Josh is annoying me. 

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Escaped from possible Sudden Death: Helena and Vikki. Photo: Channel Seven

Chloe guts sardines, the job she was born for. Vikki helps Cathy turn on the oven, because back in Cathy’s day they cooked everything on open fires in the woods. Meanwhile Thalia and Bianca are worried about cooking squab, as they’ve never cooked squab before, which does genuinely make you wonder why the freaking hell they decided to. 

Elsewhere, Manu describes the contests as “mano a mano”, which is totally inaccurate because most of the contestants are women and also they’re teams of two, but it sounds like he’s saying “Manu a Manu”, which is funny enough to make it worth it. 

Thalia and Bianca discover their squab is raw, just one of the hazards of being incredibly stupid when choosing meats. 

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"Very dry": The South Australian mums' cauliflower cavatelli. Photo: Channel Seven

Chloe and Kelly are making stuffed sardines. Kelly reveals that she had them in Portugal, but doesn’t get to finish the story as Chloe, finally as sick as the rest of us of Kelly’s crap, interrupts. Sadly Kelly just starts blathering about Mediterranean tomatoes. 

It is now time for Thalia to take on the traditional role of Person Who Says “Everything needs to be perfect” Even Though It’s Blatantly Untrue. Never in the history of this show has anything needed to be perfect – it only has to be slightly better than whatever garbage your opponent serves, and I am sick of all the lies, Thalia. 

Handy tip from Cathy: “It’s crucial to have the resting time”. Not sure if she means the meat or her afternoon nap. Her lamb is not quite right, and she books it into therapy. Anna makes it pretty clear that if they are eliminated, Cathy is going into a home. 

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Heading into Sudden Death: Bree and Jess. Photo: Channel Seven

Josh and Danielle are discussing Josh’s thermometer. “Sometimes I wonder if he’d take the thermometer over me,” Danielle jokes. Josh tries to fake a laugh, but doesn’t quite manage it because he is actually already planning to leave Danielle for the thermometer. 

Meanwhile Helena and Vikki’s lamb is exactly what they want, which just goes to show they have few real ambitions. Anna is very unhappy with her lamb, though, and it’s pretty clear that Cathy’s not going anywhere expensive. 

Manu and Pete taste the dishes. The first thing they do is have a good laugh at Thalia and Bianca choosing squab. Next, Josh implies that he wants to make out with Manu. And finally Cathy admits that she would’ve liked to have it in the oven a little longer – this time definitely referring to Anna. 

Amazingly, Cathy and Anna’s lamb is cooked to perfection. They should lose points for being such bad judges, but they’ve fluked it and defeat Helena and Vikki. 

Josh and Danielle have done very well: Manu has some reservations about the vegetable component, but Danielle seems to be stuck with him. Chloe and Kelly have beaten them which means we have to see them smile again. 

And finally, Thalia and Bianca defeat Bree and Jessica, proving to young girls everywhere that bad decisions do pay off. Bree and Jessica’s lychees were too large, which is really a feminist issue. 

Anyway now there’s the “showdown”, which is to avoid “sudden death” and provide “padding” for the “show”.

Carly notes that Josh and Danielle are “probably the best cooks in the competition”, confirming that Carly has been on magic mushrooms this whole time. 

Each of the three loser teams must make one course. Bree and Jessica are on entrée, making cavatelli, a special type of pasta that they just made up. Josh and Danielle are making main, scampi risotto, the perfect dish to bring out Josh’s barely-repressed rage. 

Danielle tries to cheer Josh up by noting the support from the spectators. Josh responds like a death row inmate who’s just been told it’s a beautiful day for an electrocution. 

For dessert the twins are making frangipane tart, which is a kind of scantily-clad flower. They are having major problems with their pastry, but on the upside neither of them is married to Josh, who is getting closer and closer to going on a scampi-themed murder spree. 

Josh’s hatred of all humanity is beginning to get to Danielle. Luckily Manu pops down to their kitchen to tell Josh to grow the hell up. Josh just needed reminding that “food is my life”, which admittedly is probably easy to forget given how bad he is at cooking it. 

Meanwhile Jessica reveals she has a special way of making cavatelli, which frankly doesn’t seem like that great a way to spend your life. She and Bree are determined to prevent their cauliflower from going “foul”, not knowing that cauliflower is foul no matter what you do with it. 

Vikki is doing the frangipane filling, an effort hindered by the realisation that “frangipane” is not a real thing. 

As time ticks away, Cathy and Anna are acting pretty smug for two women who, when it comes right down to it, are Cathy and Anna. Bree wonders if they should abandon the cauliflower, but Jessica remembers her army training, and refuses to leave any cauliflower behind. 

Meanwhile Helena and Vikki’s tarts are too gooey. If you know what I mean. Josh, however, has calmed down a lot after what I presume are a few dozen hash brownies. Helena and Vikki are also a lot calmer after finding their tarts “look so cute”, whatever the hell that means. 

Time is up and Bree and Jessica hug like two women who genuinely loathe each other. They then sombrely serve Pete and Manu their pasta covered with cauliflower chunks, and things don’t look good. Next, Josh and Danielle serve their scampi and Manu undermines their confidence. Finally come Helena and Vikki’s tarts, which Manu nearly chokes to death on. Luckily this is considered a positive in France. 

At judging time, Manu informs Bree and Jessica that their dish, like their personalities, was very dry. Josh and Danielle, though, have achieved perfection with their scampi, something quite unexpected by all viewers as well as all of their personal friends and family. Helena and Vikki’s pastry was beautiful, but Manu objects to their attempt to assassinate him. However, even a near-death experience is not as awful as Bree and Jessica’s horrific cauliflower, and it is they who will go to sudden death tomorrow, during which Carly will no doubt draw a circle around them and massage them with an enchanted celery stick. Can they survive? Tune in to find out! If you’re into that kind of thing.