Enough time has passed to recover from the shock of not one, not two, but three teams crashing the MKR party on Monday night. It was all a bit much for us viewers after enduring the heart wrenching farewells of Jessie, Biswa, Lisa and Candice, but the show must go on!
The recap reminds us that the “real” desperate housewives from Victoria “failed to excite” with their nonna's recipes. On Wednesday, the romantics from Hervey Bay rode an emotional roller-coaster instead of the wooden shark at the aquarium park. And TONIGHT (as said by booming voiceover) it's the nerdy gatecrashers from WA's turn to battle it out in the kitchen. It's their chance to put the western state back on the culinary map after the beauty queens exited the show on broomsticks last week.
My Kitchen Rules
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My Kitchen Rules
Can the MKR contestants stop the backstabbing and put their food where their mouth is?
Our narrator friend gives us a preview of the episode. We see glimpses of the gatecrasher war that will ensue between the VIC housewives and the BFFs from NSW. The usual sword (aka knife) slashing sounds go on in the background and we momentarily wonder if there might be a duelling match later on. Unfortunately, that only happens in the medieval doco that Mr Voiceover narrates in his spare time.
Welcome to the Asylum! No, MKR isn't about to be renamed “My Asylum Rules”, although some of the candidates are looking well equipped for a follow on reality series about personality disorders. It's actually the name of Kieran and Nastassia's new instant restaurant and it looks like things are about to get a bit crazy in Bullsbrook, WA.
After an excitable (and predictable) interlude from Justice Crew, it's time for the camera crew to take us to the outer suburbs of Perth. It's our chance to watch the self-confessed nerds prepare for the most mainstream day of their lives.
Enter the house and the nerds start off their day with a battle of a different kind. They are getting their morning adrenalin hit from a dose of Mortal Combat… played from the couch. The competition is as much about cooking as it is about strategy, so the team's video game playing tactics could give them an advantage.
Kieran and Nastassia inform us that they like “all things strange and unusual”. This means there could just be hope for Ashlee and Sophia to make their first ever friends (other than each other). We then learn that both the nerds are in sales. Nastassia sells houses and Kieran sells nerdy paraphernalia and thinks he is in “geek heaven” every time he steps into his workplace. Unfortunately, his cape is not part of the geek heaven uniform so he has taken to wearing it on MKR as a form of protest so the HR department at nerd world might see that it's not an OH&S issue.
Nastassia's husband is Kieran's best friend. He doesn't wear a cape so clearly isn't as cool as Kieran, hence why he isn't on MKR. He is, however, invited to join them when they play battle games with mythological figurines on their dining table. Never has scary voiceover man been so excited. His love for battles and all things medieval is shared with the two new gatecrashers from WA. It was rumoured that he wasn't going to renew his contract when he thought his overenthusiastically frightening tone was underappreciated, but now his love for MKR has been restored.
The friends from WA share a love of fantasy and sci-fi. They like their cooking to reflect how it did “back in the old days”. We are not sure at this point just how far back they are referring to, but we begin to picture images of long medieval banquet tables with mutton eaten off the bone, sans cutlery.
Oh my! Look at the time. Too much mortal combat has left the team running behind schedule. (Funny how you can forget the task at hand when there's a camera crew beside you). They should have pretty much completed their grocery shop by now and they haven't even left the couch. Road works add to the delay and the nervous energy is apparent as the car rolls along slower than a rolling pin over cement salt dough (more on that later).
After a longer than expected journey, the pair hit… you guessed it - Coles in the search of some fruit for their dessert. Third and final course will be champagne poached pears with honey cinnamon ice cream and pistachio biscuits. At this point we find out that the real estate agent is “anally retentive” (her own words) and if things don't go her way then it's just not OK!...Scary! But not as scary as the voice over.
Now it's time for some input from Judge Pete about the menu. He expects "serious" food from the duo. Thank you Pete, for your valuable contribution. We were afraid they'd make flippant food for their mythological figurines.
Back to the supermarket and the nerds are opening cartons of eggs and examining the contents. Unfortunately, they are just chicken eggs and not the dragon eggs they were secretly hoping for (apparently only Woolworths stock those).
With the supermarket shop complete, the hunt is on for some trout. The nerds have the idea it's a rare fish that few people have ever eaten before. Apparently the stockists in Coles haven't heard of it either. They ring a couple of fish mongers and are shocked to come across a stockist. The problem is that the trip is going to eat into their valuable prep time. Will they sacrifice precious minutes to catch the fish? Yes they will…
Sweet victory! The nerds have secured the key ingredient for their main dish of trout baked in salt dough with kipfler potatoes and watercress and lemon cream sauce and they are on their way back to the instant Asylum. Having lost 45mins of prep time from overdosing on video games, the team are in a mad rush to get the decorations in order. Kieran describes the theme as Victorian Gothic with a focus on “dark beauty”.
Speaking of beauty, Kieran has also signed up to the next series of Beauty and the Geek – he's concerned that just one reality TV show won't give his cape enough screen time. We can reveal that in the physical transformation stage, his werewolf-ish facial hair and ponytail will be removed to reveal he is Brad Pitt's doppelganger. Keep an eye out in Coles for his face on the cover of NW.
Back to MKR and team WA is going crazy as they attempt to decorate their restaurant at record speed. The wind is blowing a gale on the farm-style property and Kieran is running around like a lunatic escapee as he attempts to find the candle holders. The nerds manage to dig daggers, swords and skulls from their medieval collection. Even the Grim Reaper's scythe makes an appearance at the dinner table.
The cooking gets underway and Kieran is in charge of making the pasta dough for walnut and spinach ravioli with mascarpone and basil. Werewolf man is trying to impress the "real" desperate housewives' nonnas with an Italian dish for entree. Stefano might also be impressed, but we still aren't sure if he really is Italian or if Lisa just likes an accent.
The increased quantities have put Kieran's brain into overdrive as he tries to calculate the flour to water ratio. Not so nerdy after all. It simply isn't working for him and so it's time for the nasty to come out of Nastassia and she starts barking orders. The pressure in the kitchen becomes almost as intense as the Gladiator music playing in the background.
Werewolf man attempts to explain to the camera what he is doing and Little Miss Nasty-assia won't have a bar of it. She barks right over the top of him and demands he assist her with whatever she is meant to be doing. He begins fretting because the dough isn't setting. It's too soft and in true "everyone runs out of vital ingredients on MKR" style, they have run out of flour….or the klepto cameraman stole it (again).
It's onto making the dough for the salt dough and the increased quantities of ingredients have put Kieran in a confused state again. Little Miss Nasty-assia yells again about adding more water! It's clearly about "solutions not problems". Kieran thinks it is hardly time for the motivational speaker in his partner to come out, but nonetheless he ups the ante with the water and hopes for the best. His aim is to make it through the night without having a nervous breakdown. At this point, his chances of succeeding are looking slim to none.
Back in the outside gatecrasher world, it's getting personal between VIC and NSW. Angela and Melina are worried that Ashlee and Sophia don't like them. The “real” desperate housewives should be more worried about their families disowning them after they turned their nonnas' famous mash potato into Clag glue. Lisa is worried that the competition isn't just about cooking any more, but is about personalities. Realising that she doesn't have one, she wonders if she might be able to get one at Coles. Ali is worried that she isn't the only mama in the show now as Kieran worries he is about to get sent to the naughty corner by Miss Nasty-assia.
Ding Dong! The guests and gatecrashers have arrived.
The hosts introduce the crazies (aka contestants) to their instant restaurant and the jokes they make go right over Stefano's head because he's too busy working on his Italian accent.
Back in the kitchen Kieran is cracking under the pressure and Nastassia is switching between psycho and psychologist as she tries to boss her partner around and calm him down all at the same time.
Ashlee is not happy because she is sitting next to Stefano (again) and thinks he is "dumb" and "mind numbing". The poor guy has apparently only just learnt his first few sentences of English and the BFFs from NSW expect him to know his OMGs from his LOLs – WTF!? Sophia thinks she has the solution to the "proximity to Stefano" problem: "zone out to preserve their intellects". Thankfully the task won't require too much effort because there isn't much there to preserve.
Ding Dong! Enter the judges.
Pete takes one look at werewolf man and suspects he is “petrified” about the dinner party. Keiran is actually more worried that Pete is going to leave him alone in the kitchen again with his partner....and he does.
The judges join the table and Pete has come armed with puns that no one laughs at except for Manu because he can't understand English. Stefano thinks he knows the secret to the perfect ravioli. He laughs and says "I tell you". At this point we can't work out if he says "can't" or "can", but nobody wants to listen and the camera pans to Samuel who translates the words that Stefano never spoke.
The guests are waiting...waiting...waiting. Two hours of awkward instant restaurant chatter have passed and we are beginning to wonder who will whip out an astrology chart to kill some time. Where are the beauty queens when you need them? Still no entree and everyone is starving.
The kitchen is in chaos as Kieran realises that there isn't enough decent pasta to give the guests. After a two hour wait they end up getting with more mascarpone than pasta on their plate. Manu will be happy with the sauce to ravioli ratio.
Low blood sugar caused by starvation has turned the judges nasty and they don't hold back on the insults. The pasta is "terrible", "inedible" and they have "poor time management".
The main is looking set to be equally bad. The nerds have 6kgs of dough to knead and they say it's like "working with hard cement". The most physical exertion they've ever experience is from moving the joystick on their video game controller. No joy here and so it's all a bit much for them.
It's another three hours until the guests get main course. Sophia is (unintentionally) entertaining everyone with the nonsensical dribble that comes out of her mouth. Ev-er-y sin-gle syll-a-ble has to be pro-nounced sep-ar-ate-ly. It gets rea-lly pain-ful list-en-ing to her. The three hours feels like six and the conversation has gotten so awkward that everyone is competing against Pete for the lamest pun of the night...there is no match for Pete's lack of a sense of humour.
Now it's time for the crazy jokes to come out. Everyone has gone mental waiting for their food. It's a full moon which could explain why Kieran is sporting the werewolf look. Oh no, wait, he was always that hairy, but the cape usually distracts us from it.
Main meal arrives and Manu "LOVE, LOVE, LOVES" the presentation. He gets overexcited because he thinks the fish is a baguette and there is a whole jug of sauce to accompany it. He thinks it is really “cool" (he just learnt that word today so felt he had to use it). Pete thinks it is better than entree but, unlike him, "it has its faults".
Sophia actually says out loud that she is glad they "finally have some competition". Ouchy!!! OMG!! LOL!! The table is speechless... the silence is a bonus for us. Dan can't believe his second go at destroying a pig didn't make the BFFs from NSW nervous. Steph is meanwhile considering converting to vegetarianism as she reflects on her hubby's cooking.
Dessert is dependent on the perfect pear rotation in the champagne broth. Can Little Miss Nasty-assia save the day with sweets? It's not looking good when Manu can't get his spoon through the pear. The sauce is looking scarce, but it is likely Manu will mistake the honey cinnamon ice cream for sauce because it's so runny.
Pete got a "near perfect" pear and a jealous Manu waits patiently for Kieran to start howling at the moon to distract Pete and the camera crew while he switches plates.
Meanwhile the housewives and BFFs have been sharpening their claws for the cat fight that is brewing. NSW giggles as VIC criticises Team Nerd's meal. Melina gives Sophia a talking to and is relieved that she isn't her child because she "would be so ashamed of her". We start wondering if the next surprise in the series will reveal that she is her daughter and everyone on the show is actually related (and really all from Tasmania).
The scores are out and the competition rates the food at The Asylum 18/50.
As for the judges:
Entree - Pete doesn't hold back: "It was terrible".
Manu: 1 Pete: 3
Manu: 7 Pete: 6
Manu: 5 Pete: 8
The total score for Team Nerd is 48, placing them on the bottom of the scoreboard.
Next up is team TAS. From the previews it looks like the battle between VIC and NSW heats up next week.