Swivel chairs and a whole lot of spin
It's time to spin and sing: The Voice judge Delta Goodrem.
A PRODUCER leads the cast and crew in a production meeting of The Voice.
Producer: Good morning, everyone. Seal, will you quit dry-humping the water cooler?
Seal: OK, gorgeous.
Producer: Well done on another big show this week. We got very high numbers - especially the running time.
Keith Urban: I could sit there all night, I just love watching the amazing talent.
Everyone: (whispering) Keith is such a sweetheart.
Producer: The performances have been good and some coaches are doing the best with what they have.
Delta Goodrem: Are you winking at me? I can't see properly without my non-prescription glasses.
Producer: What is that buzzing noise?
Heads turn to see Joel reclined in the corner receiving another tattoo.
Joel Madden: I just want to take this opportunity to say I love Australia.
Producer: With two weeks of live shows down and the battle rounds well and truly over, we're in danger of being just another talent show. Seal, will you please face the front?
Seal: I'll turn my chair for you when I feel we connect. Make me believe!
Producer: See, this is part of the problem. Our great gimmick is over. We in effect paid $20 million for the TV rights to red swivel chairs. Any thoughts on the last few live shows?
Delta: You know when we pretend to mill around pretending not to notice the cameraman pretending to be invisible?
Producer: You want to script the ad libbing?
Seal: I call shotgun on the words ''journey'' and ''song choice''.
Faustina: You're not taking ''trending worldwide'' - that's mine.
Darren McMullen: How about -
Producer: Who the hell are you?
Darren: The host.
Producer: Of what?
Darren: The Voice.
Producer: Can you get me a flat white, one sugar.
Darren reluctantly leaves, passing Nicole Kidman, who enters holding a tray of lamingtons.
Nicole: G'day mates, any of youse drongos fancy a bit of grub?
Keith: I want to die in your arms, in a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm.
Producer: Voting numbers are strong. So far people can text, phone, use the Facebook app or download for a small fee. Of course all money goes to the artists (everyone laughs).
Producer: When what's-his-face explains the voting info after each song, let's make sure contestants don't stare down the lens like serial killers.
Joel: Beautiful Aussie serial killers.
Seal: How do we know eliminated singers won't get vengeful and track us down?
Producer: I'm more worried about them talking to Today Tonight.
Keith: It would be an honour to be stalked by one of my team.
Everyone: (whispers) Keith has such a gentle soul.
Producer: Once they're booted off they come back and sing with their coach. That should appease any bunny boilers.
Delta: (taking off her shoes) I hate elimination. It's like losing a not-as-talented family member, except they're still alive and were never family.
Faustina: Thanks for the lamingtons, Nicole
Nicole: No wucken furries, Fuzzy. I'll bake more for the Vroom.
Producer: It's the V Room and it needs more than cake to give it buzz.
Producer: How do we maintain the hype? We can't rely on talent; we're trying to be popular.
Darren enters with the coffee.
Darren: Did someone say my name?
Producer: I doubt it. The stylists are generating chat: we've seen a big guy in tight triple denim, a girl in a bow tie with pink shorty shorts, and who could forget those fingerless white glove cuffs?
Joel: Aussies are smokin'. If I weren't married, everyone would be pregnant.
Producer: I wanna see more fashion faux pas than you can shake a hair crimper at.
Keith: The joining of our hearts is written in the stars, we've got a love made in heaven (he is showered in underpants).
Delta: (Slipping back on her shoes) I'm late for another ad shoot.
Producer: OK, let's wrap up. How's everybody's press going?
Joel: A Current Affair is doing a story on the factory that makes my toothpicks.
Producer: Fascinating. Is there any gossip we can leak? What about Team Seal sex?
Delta: Aren't they the guys that shot Bin Laden?
Seal: I'm abstaining until the finale (remounts water cooler).
Producer: Any final words?
Darren goes to speak.
Producer: Good. I'm so proud of how we've adapted this format; we are world leaders in copying the world. The Voice makes lead singers out of back-up singers who in turn need back-up singers who end up as lead singers in a never-ending show of back-up singer babushkas.
Everyone high-fives and sings We Are Family a capella.
The Voice continues next Monday on Channel Nine from 7.30pm.
Follow Daniel Burt on Twitter: @trubnad