Welcome to episode two of The Bachelor, or as I like to call it, ‘The Hunger Games with sequins’.
In last night’s episode, Buddy Franklin, er, sorry, Blake was filmed copious times either shirtless or talking to his mum, proving that he’s both sexy and a mama’s boy.
We also met 24 beauties who believe appearing on a national television show that’s the entertainment equivalent of a religious cult in Utah is the best way to find love.
FYI, it isn’t.
We start this episode in the mansion, aka the grotto of emotional manipulation, where all the ladies will live and prepare themselves for love-battle.
A first date with Blake is up for grabs and oh gosh, everyone wants to be chosen. What a shock.
Anita, the dog-groomer, continues to make everyone worried about whether there’s any sharp instruments nearby.
“I am the jealous type, I don’t know how I’ll cope about hearing about it,” she says, talking about a man she’s literally met for five minutes or less.
Jessica, the inoffensive brunette, has been picked, making her both the luckiest girl in the house and Anita’s next victim.
Because Blake has self-described “old-fashioned values”, he’s going to pick Jess up from the house, where 19 other women he will later date live.
Jess is nervous. The sky is blue. I’m hungry. Duh.
“I’m a ball of nerves,” she says. Poor Jess. You can go to a doctor for that if it persists.
Blake drives a car worth more than my apartment and when he reaches their destination, places a blindfold over her eyes – quick Jess, it’s a trap! Wait, no it’s not, Blake just wants to surprise her with a human-man snowscape in the middle of Sydney. This seems completely appropriate and not at all over the top for a first date. What ever happened to a night out at Nando’s and Netflix?
They skate. There’s music. Uh, I can’t take this.
Back in the house, the ladies are pacing up and down the living room, wondering what Blake and Jessica are getting up to. They remind me of hyenas waiting in the bushes for a sickly deer to die so they can pounce on it and rip it to shreds. Or something like that.
Proving he’s a mix between Santa Claus and Hugh Hefner, Blake gifts Jess a white dress, because that’s not creepy at all. If it were me, I’d feel as comfortable if someone left a severed head on my doorstep.
Hannah and her Sisters have received another weird love letter from Blake, inviting several to a group date later, which is ... wedding themed. Can I start drinking now?
Speaking of weddings, Jess is now dressed essentially in a white wedding dress, then walks to Blake down a red carpet. This is beyond weird. She toasts “to being vulnerable”. I really should have started drinking earlier.
Blake, whose voice is so deep it threatens to hit the floor whenever he speaks, is gushing. He gives her a red rose, which will instantly make Jess a target once she returns to the grotto. Arm yourself, Jess.
Proving me right, the ladies verbally assault Jess as soon as she arrives back at the house. “Did you kiss him?” they ask the poor girl, who did indeed dance the tongue tango with the Bachelor.
Anita is jealous. Quick, where are those knives? Jess wants to keep mum to avoid the slut-shaming death stares from other ladies, so she lies. Can Jess now live with herself? Or will she cut up her freedom and luscious brunette locks and enter a nunnery as penance?
Find out on the next episode, folks.
Moving away from Catholicism and onto Mormonism, the group date is up and it features a bridal gown wedding shoot for a magazine. This is just getting cruel. Blake will act as the husband, which is a shocking surprise. I thought Eddie McGuire was going to play that part. Why not – he does everything else.
Diana 'the Princess' is chosen as one of the four brides for the shoot and thank God for that, otherwise she might have cut someone. Believe me, it’s the quiet, cutesy ones that are dangerous.
Laurina ‘the villain’ believes she was chosen to be a bride because of her experience as a model. I’m rolling my eyes so hard I need 20 seconds to complete a full 360 degrees in my head.
Anita, who is still unfamiliar with the show’s concept, again tells the camera how she hates seeing Blake with other women and has a jealousy problem. Seriously, can this woman read?
Alana, who has an amazing name, is the next bride, followed by Louise. It’s the ‘honeymoon’ shoot, which should come with a cool towel and mister. She’s in lingerie and he’s shirtless. Is this The Bachelor or 9 ½ Weeks?
Diana, who wants to get married at Disneyland, is disappointed Mickey Mouse isn’t there for her photo shoot. It’s okay, she’s surrounded by Ursula and Mother Gothel.
Laurina wonders if Blake is having more fun with Diana than with her. I can answer that for you Laurina: yes, yes he is. Anyone would have more fun when you’re absent from the room.
The weirdest group date/photo shoot is over and now everyone can get drunk. He picks Alana (again, what a beautiful name) for a private chat. Anita looks psychotic. Someone please bring restraints.
Blake is looking forward for more women fawning over him at the night’s cocktail party, which stands out as surprising as an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist.
Mistaking Blake for Don Burke, the women are on the hunt for roses and that elusive ‘connection’, which sounds like they need a USB port. They discuss their ‘plans of attack’, which makes this weird date sound more and more like a military exercise. Everyone is packing heat.
Laurina, that gracious, evil swan, informs the other ladies she’s just had dinner. Which is code for ‘I’ve poisoned your shampoo’.
Jess, Holly and Alana already have roses, so they stand aside while the others wait to find out whether Blake is in petals over them.
“I think every girl wants a rose tonight,” says one rocket scientist.
Laurina is having a breakdown because her friend Tiarna didn’t receive a red rose and will be fed to lions outside the grotto’s gates. It’s helpful when Laurina says she’s upset, because it’s hard to tell because her forehead doesn’t move.
Uttering the smartest thing ever said in The Bachelor house, Laurina says she isn’t emotionally invested in Blake because he’s dating 20 other women. Word.
She may be cast as the villain and be as frosty as an ice-queen but I’m starting to like Laurina. You be you, ice queen.